‘Not news, exactly. Of course, she’s awfully sorry we’ve been tr-r-roubled by all this. She thinks she has found us a very suitable pair of housemaids, to come in November. The chandelier is up, and every drop has been separately silenced so as not to jingle; she had the piano-tuner playing the piano at it for an hour on end, and it didn’t let out a single ting-a-ling. Ahasuerus caught a mouse on Tuesday night and put it in Franklin’s bedroom slipper. Your nephew had a little difference of opinion with a policeman but explained that he had been marrying off his uncle and escaped with a fine and a caution. That’s all. The rest is-well, it more or less amounts to saying she’s glad I can give you a good chit and it may not be a bad thing to begin with a little adversity.’
‘Perhaps she’s right. I’m thankful it was a good chit, anyhow. Meanwhile, here’s a note for you from Uncle Pandarus-I mean. Uncle Paul-enclosed in a letter to me in which he has the impertinence to hope that my addiction of late years to what he calls “intemperate orgies of virtue” have not left me too much out of practice for my métier d’époux. He recommends une vie réglée and begs I will not allow myself to become trop émotionné, since emotion tends to impair les forces vitales. I do not know anybody who can cram more cynical indelicacy into a letter of good advice than my Uncle Pandarus.’
‘Mine’s good advice, too; but it isn’t exactly cynical.’
(Mr Delagardie had, in fact, written: ‘My dear niece-I hope that my absurd, but on the whole agreeable nephew is contriving to fill your cup with the wine of life. May an old man who knows him well remind you that what is wine to you is bread to him. You are too sensible to be offended by cette franchise. My nephew is not sensible at all-il n’est que sensible et passablement sensuel. Il a plus besoin de vous que vous de lui; soyez genereuse-c’est une nature qu’on ne saurait gater. Il sent le besoin de se donner-de s’épancher; vous ne lui refuserez certes pas ce modeste plaisir. La froideur, la coquetterie meme, le tuent; il ne sait pas s’imposer; la lutte lui répugne. Tout cela, vous le savez déja.-Pardon! je vous trouve extrèmement sympathique, et je crois que son bienetre nous est cher si tous deux. Avec cela, il est marchand du bonheur a qui en veut; j’espere que vous trouverez en lui ce qui pourra vous plaire. Pour le rendre heureux, vous n’avez qu’a etre heureuse; il supporte mal les souffrances d’autrui. Recevez, ma chère nièce, mes voeux les plus sinceres.’)
Peter grinned. ‘I won’t ask what it is. The least said about Uncle Paul’s good advice, the soonest mended. He is a most regrettable old man, and his judgement is disgustingly sound. According to him I suffer from a romantic heart, which plays the cat-and-banjo with my realistic mind.’
(Mr Delagardie had, in fact, written: ‘… Cette femme te sera un point d’appui. Elle n’a connu j’usqu’ici que les chagrins de l’amour; to lui en apprendra les delices. Ella trouvera en toi des delicatesses imprevues, et qu’elle saura apprecier. Mais surtout, mon ami, pas de faiblesse! Ce n’est pas une jeune fille niaise et etourdie; c’est une intelligence forte, qui aime a resoudre les problemes par la tete. Il ne faut pas etre trop soumis; elle ne t’en saura pas gré. Il faut encore moins l’enjoler; elle pourra se raviser. II faut convaincre; je suis persuadé qu’elle se montrera magnanime. Tache de comprimer les élans d’un coeur chaleureux-ou plutot réserve-les pour ces moments d’intimité conjugale ou ils ne seront pas déplacés et pourront te servir a quelque chose. Dans toutes les autres circonstances, fais valoir cet esprit raisonneur dont tu n’es pas entierement dépourvu. A vos ages, il est nécessaire de préciser; on ne vient plus a bout d’une situation en se livrant a des étreintes effrénées et en poussant des cris déchirants. Raidis-toi, afin d’inspirer le respect a ta femme; en lui tenant tete tu lui foumiras le meilleur moyen de ne pas s’ennuyer…’)
Peter folded this epistle away with a grimace, and inquired: ‘Do you mean to go to the funeral?’
‘I don’t think so. I’ve got no black frock to do your top-hat credit, and I’d better stay here to keep an eye on the Solomons-MacBride outfit.’
‘Bunter can do that.’
‘Oh, no-he’s panting to attend the obsequies. I’ve just seen him brushing his best bowler. Are you coming down?’
‘Not for a moment. There’s a letter from my agent I’ve simply got to attend to. I thought I’d cleared everything up nicely, but one of the tenants has chosen this moment to create a tiresomeness. And Jerry has got himself into a jam with a woman and is really frightfully sorry to bother me, but the husband has turned up with the light of blackmail in his eye and what on earth is he to do?’
‘Great heavens! That boy again?’
‘What I shall not do is to send him a cheque. As it happens, I know all about the lady and gentleman in question, and all that is required is a firm letter and the address of my solicitor, who knows all about them too. But I can’t write downstairs, with Kirk oiling in and out of the windows and brokers’ men wrangling over the whatnot.’
‘Of course you can’t. I’ll go and see to things. Be busy and good… And I used to think you were God’s own idler, without a responsibility in the world!’
‘Property won’t run itself, worse luck! Nor yet nephews. Aha! Uncle Pandarus likes giving avuncular advice, does he? Trust me to distribute a little avuncular advice in the quarter where it will do most good. Every dog has his day… C’est bien, embrasse-moi… Ah, non! voyons, to me depeignes…Allons, hop! il faut etre serieux.’
Peter, having dealt with his correspondence and been persuaded, fretfully protesting, into a black suit and a stiff collar, came downstairs and found Superintendent Kirk about to take his leave, and Mr MacBride just issuing victor from a heated three-cornered argument between himself, Mr Solomons and a dusty-looking professional person who explained that he represented the executrix. What precise business arrangement had been come to. Peter did not ask and never discovered. The upshot seemed to be that the furniture was to go, Harriet (on Peter’s behalf) having waived all claim to it on the grounds (a) that they had so far paid nothing for the use of it, (b) that they would not have it if it were given away with a pound of tea and (c) that they were going away for the weekend and (d) would be glad to have it out of the house as soon as possible to make room for their own goods.
This point having been settled, Mr MacBride appealed to the Superintendent for leave to carry on. Kirk nodded gloomily.
‘No luck?’ asked Peter.
‘Not a ha’porth,’ said Kirk. ‘It’s as you said. Puffett and Bert Ruddle have left their marks all over the place upstairs, but there’s no telling if some of them wasn’t made last week. I There’s no dint on this floor, as there might be if a stone had been thrown down-but on the other ’and, this old oak is that ’ard, you couldn’t make any impression on it if you heaved rocks at it for a week. I dunno, I’m sure. I never see finger on, like.’
‘Have you tried squeezing Sellon through the window?’
‘Joe Sellon?’ Kirk snorted. ‘If you was to go down to the village, you’d see Joe Sellon. Coo! talk of a traffic jam! I never see nothing like it in all my born days There’s ’alf Pagford here and pretty well the ’ole of Broxford, and all them newspaper men from London, and the Broxford and Pagford Gazette and the North-Herts Advertiser and a chap with one of them moving-picture cameras, and cars that thick in front of the Crown nobody can’t get in, and such a mob round the bar, they can’t get served when they are in. Joe’s got more’n he can do. I’ve left my sergeant down there to lend ’im a hand. And,’ said the Superintendent, indignantly, ‘jest as we’d got about twenty cars parked neat and tidy in the lane by Mr Giddy’s field, up comes a kid and squeaks, “Oh, please, mister-can’t you let me by? I’ve brought the cow to bull”-and we ’ad to move ’em all out again. Aggravating ain’t the word. But there! It can’t last for ever, that’s a comfort; and I’ll bring Joe up here when the funeral’s over and out of the way.’