“You were going to steal God’s throne.”
“I bet you believe everything Republicans say about Democrats. The archangel Michael accused me of wanting to sit in the throne of Heaven, but I didn’t want to be God. I didn’t want to be God’s lap dog, either.”
“You’ve got some serious daddy issues, mister.”
The devil smiled. “Pride, too. The books got that right, at least.”
“So, you’re building Heaven to prove God wrong.”
“Something like that. Heaven with free will.”
“And not to set yourself up as a new God?”
Lucifer stopped walking and pointed with his free hand. “That’s my palace over there. I don’t need to remind anyone down here who’s in charge. I’m not deluded enough to see myself as God. Over all, the first one did an impressive job creating the universe. It’s the details I dispute.”
“What’s that quote? I’ve heard it a couple of ways, ‘God is in the details…’”
“Also, ‘the devil is in the details.’ Yes, I’m aware of it. I don’t know which version is more insulting.”
“Let me get this straight, you’re just down here having this family squabble with God for the last few million or few thousand years… I don’t get how time works here.”
“Don’t try. You’ll just hurt your brain.”
“Cool. And you just want to show God that free will for your kind is hot biscuits and gravy. Then why fuck with us mortals? What’s with all the temptation and corruption?”
“Who said that was me? Oh yes, everyone.” Lucifer released Spyder’s arm and they sat on a stone bench on the edge of the square. “I have to take some responsibility for that. Millions of angels came with me when Father threw me out and changed the locks. I had to give them something to do.”
“All those monks and nuns, Jesus in the desert, all the visions of all those righteous types, none of that was you?”
“I’ll admit that I’ve had my hand in a tempting manifestation or two. I was an angry young man, lashing out at all God had created. But like you, little brother, I couldn’t help growing up a little.”
Demons walked by them through the plaza, glancing furtively at the talking meat chatting with the ruler of Hell. Tall, bile-colored women with snakes for hair and dressed in high-collared latex robes whispered to each other as they passed. Graceful, loping things, like mechanical praying mantises, craned a stalk eye or two at the conversation. A flock of living skeletons, human from the waist up, but birdlike from the waist down, stopped and stared at the men on the bench. The skeletons moved as a group, like pigeons, chittering down one of the side streets.
“What about all those souls remodeling your den? What about the ones being tortured down here?”
“Do you think I invited them here? We’ve been Heaven’s cesspit since time began. I’m just making use of the freeloaders. The tortures are just day-work for my less intelligent brethren. And truthfully, some souls are useless, not even fit for manual labor.”
“I’m having a hard time with this poor, poor, pitiful me line, Count. Lucifer. What should I call you?”
“Anything you want, just don’t call me late for dinner,” Lucifer said. He looked Spyder in the eye. “The truth will set you free. But it might also hurt your feelings: You see, humanity isn’t even on my radar. My quarrel is with Heaven, not you.”
Spyder looked at Lucifer’s palace, thinking over everything he’d seen and heard. “You’re my friend. At least Count Non was. I don’t really know what to believe right now.”
“Admit it. You want me to be a monster. Humanity has to find someone to blame for its crimes. The problem is that you never really believed Copernicus. You still think you’re the center of the universe and that all creation revolves around you.”
“You’ve been practicing this speech for a while, haven’t you?”
“I’ll give you an another example. The snake in the Garden of Eden?”
“Yeah?”
“It was just a snake. Humanity’s first real decision was to defy God. So was mine. That’s the reason I make you uncomfortable. We’re so much alike.” Lucifer leaned closer, speaking quietly. “In Heaven, my title was ‘The Tester’. I tempted and tormented mortals to test their faith, all with God’s blessing. Job, for instance. It’s a hard habit to break. But I always worked on the little things. Lust. Jealousy. Greed. Humanity didn’t need any help with the big sins. It was you who ate the apple and fell from grace. It was you when Carthage was raped and burned and the earth salted. It was you at Hiroshima and Wounded Knee and Auschwitz and at every lynching of every hapless sharecropper who dared to meet the eyes of a white woman.”
“You must really hate us. If we didn’t exist, you’d still be in Heaven.”
“I don’t hate you. You’re children, and children don’t know any better. If it hadn’t been you, something else would have set off my troubles with God.” Lucifer shrugged. “Fathers and sons.”
“Did you have anything to do with taking my blindfold off?”
“Why would I do that? I don’t like many mortals and the few I do care for should be off living their lives, not going mad down here. You were trapped by something else. There’s a black cloud around you that I can’t see through, which means I can’t help you. But you’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later.”
“Who’s the Painted Man?”
Lucifer rolled his eyes. “The boogey man for demons. The Painted Man is the monster in the closet. Dr. Moriarty. Kayser Soze. He’s supposedly a creature of pure chaos, neither God nor angel nor demon, who one day will come to destroy us. Why do you ask?”
“No reason. I heard a demon mention him.”
“That’s all? And you called me the Prince of Lies.” Lucifer stretched and stuck out his long legs. “Don’t trouble your handsome young head, Spyder Lee, you’re not the Painted Man.”
“Is Xero?”
“No, but he thinks he is and that makes him dangerous.”
“How do you know he’s not?”
“If he were I would have smelled him coming. I’d have tasted him. I’d have heard every beat of his heart. If the Painted Man ever sets foot in Hell, I’ll know it.”
Spyder looked down and saw a half-smoked cigarette lying at his feet. He picked up the butt and smoothed it straight. “Got a light?” he asked. Lucifer handed him a pink fur lighter.
“This is Lulu’s,” said Spyder.
“She dropped it by the Bone Sea. I was going to return it the next time I saw her.”
Spyder lit the butt and dropped the lighter into his jacket pocket. It felt good to pull the smoke into his lungs.
“What’s the deal with all the Satanic losers back home? Do you like them? Do they drive you crazy? What about Anton LaVey?”
“I love Anton LaVey. I love all carnies. God can have the meek. I’ll take the grifters.”
“You’ve got an answer for everything. I’ll give you that, Count.”
“We all have to live with ourselves, especially here. I’ll tell you something, because I think you’ll understand: I know that our Heaven is quite probably a pointless and futile thing, but we’ll build it anyway, because it’s all the Heaven we’re ever likely to have.”
Across the plaza, Ashbliss came with Lulu and Shrike. The men rose as they got closer. Both Lulu and Shrike went right to the man they knew as Count Non and hugged him.
Spyder said, “Ladies, let me introduce you to the man in black, his infernal badness, Lucifer.”
Shrike and Lulu looked at the fallen angel. Shrike took Spyder’s hand. Lulu smiled. “Count Non, you tricky fuck. I knew there was something about you. Not many men can make me question my preferences.”
Lucifer looked at Ashbliss. “I’ll talk to you later, dung beetle. Vanish.” He snapped his fingers and the little demon was gone.