"Where do we go now?" Spyder asked.
"I was going to ask you, Mr. Wizard. What is this?"
"Describe it. I'm Stevie Wonder over here."
"Right. Sorry," she said. "Okay. We're in a big cavern at the bottom of the stairs. There's light, but hell if I can tell where it's coming from. In front, there's three really big doors. There's no signs or nothing, but all of the doors have the pug ugliest demon faces carved on them. Looks like we're marching down some monster's gullet, whatever we do. But which one do we open?"
"This wasn't in any of the books," Spyder said. "What do the demons look like?"
"Like demons. Big scary teeth and huge goddam claws."
"Do the demons have snouts? Like dogs or wolves?"
"Yeah. Kind of. What are they?"
"I think I got it," said Spyder. "It's not 'they.' It's 'it.' This is Cerberus. The three-headed hellhound. Some stories say Cerberus guards the entrance to Hell. Some say he is the entrance. To get inside, Cerberus swallows you. Only you have to pick the right mouth, otherwise, he shits you out into chaos. Not Heaven or Hell, just stone-cold nothing."
"So, which head gets the bone?"
Spyder hesitated. He heard someone moving around by the doors. Shrike. She was muttering a spell that wasn't working. The situation was so frustrating. Spyder wanted to rip the idiot blindfold off his eyes and not have to stand around like a crippled child.
"The one on the right feels light on its hinges. It's been used the most. Maybe it's the way," said Shrike.
"Or it's a trick to get us down the beast's belly," said Lulu.
"We go in through the center," Spyder said.
"How do you know?" asked Shrike.
"Count Non knew things about Hell. He told me to be like the Buddha. Buddha always took the Middle Way."
"Are you sure?"
"Open it."
He listened to Lulu going to the door. Hesitation. A footfall. Silence. The sound of dry hinges grinding and a door scraping over a dirty floor.
"Lulu?" asked Shrike.
"There's a tunnel. Something's moving at the end. People. And like a river, I think." She pushed the door open wider. "Hey man, thanks for not dooming us right off."
Spyder smiled. "All part of the service. I guess we're supposed to go in there now."
Someone fell. The sound was dry and hollow in the warm, thick air of Hell. Spyder moved toward the sound.
"Shrike, are you all right?"
"I'm fine. Let me catch my breath."
"Lulu?"
"I've got her. Follow my voice over here."
Spyder found them sitting on the floor. Shrike was leaning on the cavern wall. Her hands were wet and cold.
"Something in my chest," she said. "I think it's the key Madame Cinders put inside me. I can feel it moving. It must know we're getting near the book."
"When you're ready, we'll go," said Spyder.
"I'm ready," she said, and got up slowly.
The middle tunnel through Cerberus' gullet was warm and wet. When Spyder touched the wall, the stone was fleshy and yielding. They all hurried through as quickly as they could.
Forty-Four
Daddy Longlegs
"Hello?" Lulu called. "Anyone back there?"
"What's wrong?" asked Spyder.
"I thought I heard something behind us in the tunnel. Who'd a thought there'd be weird sounds in Hell?"
"Is there a river ahead?" asked Shrike. "We have to cross it to get to Pandemonium."
"Yeah, there's a river, and no problem crossing it."
"Lay it out for us, Lulu," said Spyder. He had his back to a stone outcropping just beyond the tunnel. Around them were dozens of voices, people screaming and talking, people on crying jags. From above came a metallic humming punctuated by momentary squeals, the wail of rusted wheels and rotten gears. Spyder didn't like the idea of machines that he couldn't see hanging over his head.
"I don't know where to start. We're in a what's his name? Bosch. We're in a Bosch painting," Lulu said. "Hear all those people? They're standing around waiting to get across the river. I bet you don't smell roses anymore, do you? There's pipes all around dumping what looks a lot like shit, blood, carcasses and lord knows what other puke into the river. Jesus fuck!"
"What is it?" Shrike asked, her sword half-raised.
"Something, like a big, white worm just popped out of the water, latched on to one of those people and dragged 'em under."
"They aren't people, Lulu. They're souls. Don't worry, they can't drown," said Spyder
"No, but I bet that thing can chew on 'em for a good long time."
"What else do you see? Can you tell how we get to the other side?" asked Shrike.
"Yeah. There's these metal cars, like the sky cars at an old amusement park, slung on wires over the water. Shit. I don't know if I want to ride on one of those with those hungry worms waiting for us to drop."
"We have to," said Spyder. "Listen, the thing that grabbed that guy, it wasn't random. Souls are sorted all over Hell, starting right here. This is the Bone Sea. The ones who end up in it are so foul that even Hell doesn't want them. The ones wandering around this shore and on the other side, they're maybe worse off. Completely lost. They can't get into Heaven and they won't go into Hell. They'll spend eternity right here by this river of shit. We don't have that option. If we don't move, Shrike's going to die."
The voices of the wandering souls grew quiet, then came back louder than ever. Lulu said, "Remember how I used say it was all ironic with you named Spyder, that you're so afraid of spiders?"
"We worked that over once or twice."
"Be glad you're blind right now. I shit you not, there's a twelve-foot-tall spider strolling down the shoreline kicking people out of his way like he's Donald fucking Trump."
Spyder reflexively pressed his back into the outcropping and went very cold inside. He wanted desperately to find the tunnel and go back up the way they had come, but Shrike grabbed him and held on.
"We have to go on," said Shrike. "Trust me. I'll take care of you."
"Weird," said Lulu. "That spider looks sort of mechanical. Like someone took about ten junked cars, some old TVs and prosthetic limbs, wired them together and taught them to walk. And it gets better. The thing's got a human head."
Feedback knifed through Spyder's head, bringing back memories of a hundred sweaty clubs on a thousand drunken nights. A voice crackled and boomed, broken, imperious and mad.
"Move along, you desperate scum, you noxious void of the earth's bowels, move along! Your fate lies across the Bone Sea, not on my shore! Across the river is the eternity you courted your whole corrupt and sorrowful lives. No one remains on my shore. Move along, you lost lambs, you food for the wolf. Lollygag and your suffering will begin all the sooner!"
"Shrike, get your sword up," said Lulu. "Daddy longlegs is headed this way, twelve o'clock high."
A rhythmic clanking filled the air, along with the smell of burning oil, decaying flesh and overheated circuit boards. Spyder sensed some enormous presence looming over them.
"My god. You're alive," came the voice. It was low and human. The madness was gone. "Forgive me for that scene a moment ago. They make me say and do those terrible things. The beasts that run the machines. I'm attached, you see."
"Who are you?" asked Shrike.
"Cornelius:something, I think," said the spider machine. "I was once one of these poor souls. Lost and terrified. I don't belong here. I don't deserve Hell. I refused to cross the Bone Sea. Demons came with nets and rounded us up like wild animals. When I awoke I was the foul thing you see before you."
"You must've gotten on someone's bad side, then super-sized it," said Lulu.