‘And that’s why we could lose the war,’ said Shura, giving Boris his talented attention and evidently making the Accountant feel as if he had something profound to say. Boris merely developed the same theme:
‘It’s a vast, infantile nation. Its notion of maturity is a romantic youth’s notion that he’s mature when he becomes sentimental about general ideas like Love, Death and Nature.’
We laughed as only sentimental youths, who had not really lost such ideas, can laugh.
I report these conversations, as I remember them, not because I believe they had any special profundity, but to give a flavour of the ideas current in Odessa in those days.
‘It’s the reason Tolstoi is so popular with the young and passionate,’ said Boris. ‘Natasha is Russia. Even the oldest, noblest greybeard is a kid. How else could they embrace Marxism so easily?’
At this mention of politics I was automatically on my feet. Most Jews like Boris were radicals and had to be avoided. Marxists, Kropotkinists, Proudhonists, they were all the same to me. They displayed a disease of the brain which could be highly contagious, for it was transmitted, as I once said of hypochondria, by word of mouth. Also I was still afraid of ‘So-So’. Talk of that devil might cause him to reappear. I decided to see if Katya’s customer had left yet. As I got up, she came in. She dashed forward to throw her arms round me, kissing me in a way I found uncharacteristic. The bombardment had caused many of us to have second thoughts about our lives and, perhaps, put a slightly higher value on our relationships.
Shura remained in his strange mood. He was far from friendly to Katya and took a brooding interest in the singer, who had continued to pipe her peculiar Yiddish songs above the noise of our conversation. More vodka arrived. We all drank. We toasted the singer. Boris lost interest in politics when his fat girl-friend arrived to let him know their parents had met and decided they should marry. He became quite pale and began to make calculations in the margins of his anarchist newspaper.
That was the day the Cossacks rode through Moldovanka and every Jew in the city shook in his shoes. The girl singer had stopped her wailing and we had grown rather stupefied. Katya had gone home, to prepare for her evening’s business, but it was not yet dark. The sound of cavalry in a city is very peculiar to one who has not heard it before. At first we thought we were to be bombarded again, because the noise was unfamiliar, and that is why we fell silent.
When it is distant, the sound of cavalry in a city is like the wind which comes off the steppe, almost a hissing; slowly it grows louder and more irregular until it is a series of syncopated, broken beats, rising and falling, like water running at different speeds over rocks; at this stage it becomes suddenly much louder - the rushing noise of a clattering express train in a tunnel. And that is when it is galloping and you must get out of its way at any cost.
The Cossacks galloped past our alley and the bravest (or in my case the most curious) of us stuck our heads out of the doorway and watched the Cossacks charge through the streets of Moldovanka ghetto.
‘They’re frightening us because they failed to frighten the Turks,’ said Boris, it’s what they always do.’
Shura mocked him. ‘They’re just on their way to the garrison. It’s the shortest route from the Goods Station where they disembarked. Look at them. They’re not show-cavalry or militia, those boys. They’re a fighting unit.’
It was true that the Cossacks had well-worn kaftans and that there was dust on them. Their weapons looked as if they had been used in real action, rather than in the service of some pogrom.
‘Nonetheless,’ said Boris, ‘the City Council had a reason for making them get off at the Goods Station and for telling them to come through here. Why are they galloping in streets? On cobbles? It’s bad for horses.’
We all shut him up. The Cossacks had done no harm (unless you counted the odd heart-attack) and I for one had been inspired by them. With fighters like that we were assured of victory. And there were thousands - perhaps hundreds of thousands - of Cossack horsemen of half-a-dozen major hosts, not to mention all the minor ones - who would rally now that the Turk had dared attack us. I could imagine the joy in the Cossack villages when the news came that they would have another chance to kill Turks. I envied them. Only traitors and out-and-out Zionists could fail to be reassured by the sight of our wild cavalrymen of the steppe.
I had begun to develop one of the headaches which have since bothered me all my life, and so I made my excuses and returned home. The streets were unusually quiet, virtually deserted. I found the house absolutely silent. Nobody was in. I went to my room, thinking of having more cocaine, but I decided to lie in the darkness of the room, whose blinds had already been drawn, and try to sleep. There were disadvantages to taking stimulants. Sooner or later one’s resources cried out to be replenished. I spent that evening in bed and went down to dinner, where I found Uncle Semya, Aunt Genia and Wanda. My uncle lacked his usual detached benevolence and Aunt Genia spoke brightly, but with even less substance than was normal. At one point she suggested we should all think of going to Kiev. Uncle Semya said that property was expensive there and we could not afford to live as we did in Odessa. After dinner I asked Wanda what the matter was. She said that it was nothing specific. The war news was depressing. Uncle Semya had taken them out to Fountain to look at a datcha he was thinking of renting for the winter. I found this in itself bewildering, for one did not rent summer datchas for Odessa winters, which were apt to be quite severe. He had decided against the idea, Wanda told me. A touch of war-hysteria, I suggested. I had read about war-hysteria. We had been warned against it. She said that was probably the case. She seemed sad as she sat in my room, but was reluctant to leave. I felt an urge to comfort her, but thought that any move I made would be misinterpreted. I said that I was very tired and that I must sleep. There would be no need to bring me any breakfast in the morning. I would sleep at least until noon. Usually Wanda was sensitive to my needs, but she continued to pass the time for a few more moments until at length she left. I began to wonder if she had fallen in love with me and whether this accounted for her unusual behaviour. Everyone was a little strange since the bombardment. They had taken it far more to heart than I had. Perhaps they had intimations of miseries to come.
Now that I think back, the ‘peculiar behaviour’ of some of my relatives might be my own interpretation. I could be overly acute. Sometimes with prolonged use of cocaine one begins to analyse far too deeply, suspecting motives and attitudes in other people which are simply not there, at least in any exaggerated form. I had been using cocaine almost every day for more than a week and was probably not far short of experiencing that confusion and doubt which comes from over-indulgence (something I have been careful of since: Everything in moderation, as the Poles say). In those days, of course, I did not know how to measure my intake of any drug, whether it be narcotic, alcoholic, or, indeed, spiritual.
For the first time since I had arrived in Odessa, I felt depressed and homesick as I went to sleep. I thought of lilacs in the summer rain, of smoke hanging over the steep yellow streets, of my mother’s kindness and attentiveness, something which even my lovely Katya could not replace. This mood had left me when I awoke the next day, but it was to recur from time to time. However, I was determined to stay in Odessa as long as possible, even though winter was drawing on and the heavenly, unreal summer and autumn were giving way to a more prosaic, colder life.