If he noticed the way I stared at him, he gave no indication.
The plate itself was a dull shade of silver, tinged at the edges with a crusty red substance where the jagged flesh of his grayish, moist-looking scalp fused with the metal. There were six screws in all, one at each corner of the plate, with one extra on the upper and lower sides. None of them matched. Some were small and thin, others were thick, and one looked, I swear, like a cement screw. Most were flush, but two rose slightly above the surface.
He finally noticed that I was staring, and so moved to brush some of his hair back in a futile effort to cover at least a portion of the plate. All he succeeded in doing was showing me that part of his scalp had been peeled completely away near the base of the plate, offering me a glimpse of skull.
“What happened to you?” I asked.
He shrugged. “This looks a lot better than it did. Shoulda seen it before I got fixed up.”
The sheriff climbed into the driver’s seat, closing his door with more force than was needed. “What have I told you about flashing that thing at people? Put your hat back on, Dash.”
“You took yours off just now.”
“That’s because I’m driving and need an unobstructed view. If you were driving, then you could take yours off. But you’re not driving, Dash. You’re in the back seat scaring the living shit out of our prisoner for no good reason other than you can. Now put your hat back on, or I’m gonna tell everyone it’s okay to start calling you ‘Chop-Top’ again.”
“You wouldn’t do that.”
The sheriff turned around to face him. “No, I probably wouldn’t, but that should give you some idea of how much this bothers me. You know that Daddy Bliss had them make that hat especially for you. It’s got that steel band around the inside and everything.”
Deputy Dash blinked. “I know. Gets pretty hot with it on. And heavy.”
The sheriff gave me a quick look—Kids, what’re you gonna do?—and then sighed. “If you wear the hat, Dash, then you won’t get so many headaches, and you won’t hear so many voices.”
Deputy Dash leaned over toward me. “This plate picks up radio waves sometimes.”
“And sometimes,” said the sheriff, “it interferes with them. Like when I need to call in.” He held up the microphone. “So will you please put it back on?”
“See there?” said Deputy Dash. “All you had to do was say ‘please’.” He donned his hat once again. “Just ask me nice, that’s all. Don’t order me like you’re my boss or something.”
The sheriff hung down his head. “Dash, I am your boss.” “You know what I mean.” We pulled out of the gas station, the meat wagon following close behind. I stared at Deputy Dash. “How come you’re called Dash?” He pointed to the metal plate. “‘Cause that’s where my head hit.” I nodded as if that cleared up everything. “Oh. You get FM with that?” He grinned. “You’re funny. We don’t get many funny ones.” He was still holding his gun on me. “Could you maybe point that toward the floor?” I asked. “If we hit a bump or something, it might go off.” “It don’t work.” “What?”
“His gun isn’t loaded,” said the sheriff. Glancing into his rearview mirror, his gaze momentarily met mine. “I mean, look at him. Don’t misunderstand, he’s my kid brother and I love him, but seriously—would you feel safe knowing he was in possession of live ammunition?”
Deputy Dash held up his weapon. “Sure is big, though. That usually does the trick.”
“And what if it doesn’t?” I asked.
“Then I use my gun,” said the sheriff. “My gun is loaded.” Deputy Dash puffed up a bit as he said, “But it ain’t nearly as big.” “You can put your gun away now, Dash.” “Nah.” “What was that?”
Deputy Dash looked up at his brother. “If I have to put my gun away, then the hat comes off. Since I have to keep my hat on, the gun stays out.”
“Why can’t you wear your hat and put your gun away?” asked the sheriff.
“On account I need to have something in my hands to play with or I get jumpy, and if I can’t have either my hat or my gun, that just leaves my dick, and the last time I played with my dick in the car, you throwed a hissy fit.”
“That’s because you never clean up after yourself!”
“I do so!”
The sheriff pounded his fist against the door. “You wipe up the seat, sure, but you never clean the dashboard or the steering wheel! You got any idea how it feels to start my day by coming out to the cruiser and then grabbing the wheel to find your day-old spooge all over it?”
Dash shrugged. “Never bothered me.”
“That’s because it’s your spooge! Of course it’s not gonna bother you, just like my farts don’t bother me. In fact, I think my farts smell just fine!”
“Then how come you keep a can of air freshener in the glove compartment?”
“Because you’re always complaining about how my farts stink up the car.”
“Yeah, but whenever you use that air freshener, all it does it make it smell like someone squeezed out a load of Cleveland Steamers in a rose garden.”
I cleared my throat. “This sounds like a private family matter to me. If you want to pull over and let me out, I’d be glad to—”
The sheriff let go of the steering wheel and spun around, his arm shooting straight out, holding his gun less than an inch from my face.
“Shut the hell up!” he screamed at me, cocking the hammer. “You’ve already caused enough trouble, Driver. You think this is funny? You getting a chuckle out of listening to me argue with my brain-damaged little brother? It’s not his fault he’s the way he is.”
“Thank you,” said Dash.
“You’re welcome.” He looked back at me. “You keep your comments and your questions to yourself until I say otherwise. One more word out of you, Driver—one more fucking word—and I will shoot you in the kneecap. Do you understand me?”
I nodded.
“We all appreciate that you brought Road Mama back home, but if someone told you that your job ended once she was delivered, well…that’s probably what they were told, but it’s not true. Ah-ah—not. One. Word.” I mimed zipping closed my mouth. “He’s funny,” said Dash. “We don’t get many funny ones.” “You said that already.” “Felt like saying it again.”
I went cold all over. I could feel the blood draining from face. Yeah, the gun and the look in the sheriff’s eyes were scary enough—there was no doubt in my mind that he’d shoot me in the kneecap if I gave him the excuse—but even those seemed minor compared to what I’d just realized.
The car was driving itself.
Ever since the sheriff had spun around in his seat, the car had continued to maneuver along the street just as smoothly and evenly as you please. It even decelerated and signaled when cornering.
The sheriff noticed I wasn’t staring at him or his gun. Looking over his shoulder, he hissed, “Shit!” and then turned back around, holstering his weapon and gripping the spooge-free wheel once again. “I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed to see that yet.”