“I want you to know something, Dianne. You were the love of my life—you are the love of my life, and whatever happens tonight, even if I never see or hear from you again, my soul was blessed because you were once a part of my life, and even though I didn’t treasure it at the time like I should have, I treasure it now, and wish to God I’d have the chance to treasure it—to treasure you—again. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. Just know that everything you did, all you tried to give to me, all of it mattered, all of it. And whatever happens after I hang up, if this is it, I want you to know that my last thought will be of you and how you made my world rich, even if I was too much of an idiot to appreciate it at the time.
“I love you. I always will. I just…I just wanted to thank you for all you gave to me when we were together.
“And it just occurred to me that all of this must sound melodramatic as hell, and I’m sorry. It’s been an…odd couple of days. But it’s almost over now. I love you. Be happy, and never let yourself think that any part of what happened was because of you. You were wonderful—shit, you were perfect. I was an asshole. I didn’t deserve you. This isn’t self-pity, hon, it’s just plain old regret. Six of one, half-dozen of the other, I know.
“Good-bye, Dianne. I love you. Think about using a little less mayo in the tuna fish, okay? I hear it’s not good for the cholesterol. You may quote me.” The beep sounded again, I hung up, covered my eyes with my hands, and wept quietly for a minute or two. The lights flickered and I looked up just as Ciera opened the door. “It’s time.” She stared at me. “Are you okay?” Wiping my eyes, I shook my head, then said, “Just ducky, thanks.”
“Nobody wants you to get hurt, Driver.” “So I keep hearing.” I wiped my eyes once again, let out a breath, and rose. We stared at each other for a moment. “So?” I asked. “I take three giant steps, or what?” “I wish you wouldn’t be so mean to me.” “I didn’t think I was.”
She glanced down at the floor for a second, then back up at me. There was some genuine hurt in that gaze. “I keep trying to be nice, but you act like you don’t like me very much.”
“Like you? I don’t even know you. Until a few hours ago, I had no idea you or anyone else in this place even existed! All I knew was that I was supposed to deliver a body so the family could bury it, that’s all. Now, suddenly, I’m right smack in the middle of something pretty seriously goddamn scary, I might be dead before the sun rises, and you’re getting defensive about my bad manners?”
Her eyes began tearing up. “Please don’t yell at me.”
“What the fuck would you do if you were in my position?”
“Please stop yelling.”
I opened my mouth to really let her have it, then her words—Please stop yelling—echoed back, only this time it was Dianne’s voice I heard speaking them, as it had so many time during the course of our marriage whenever I had been made aware of my shortcomings and was looking for someone to blame, usually her.
Please stop yelling. Oh, hon…. “I’m sorry,” I said to Ciera, stepping forward and putting a hand on her shoulder. “I’m not mad at you. I’m just…mad.” “Okay,” she said, not meeting my gaze. “Hey?” She looked up at me.
“What’s your name—your real name?”
A single tear slipped from her eye and slid a slow path down her cheek. “I don’t remember.”
“Really?”
“Really. Only Road mama and Daddy Bliss remember their real names. The rest of us, we kinda…don’t bring them with us when we come back.” “How old were you?” “I would have been twenty-one on my birthday.” “Christ…I’m so sorry.”
“Not your fault. I really like you, Driver. It’s been a long time since…well, since a new guy’s been here who’s still got all of his face and stuff.” She shrugged. “I get lonely sometimes.”
I touched her face, using my thumb to wipe away the tear. “How bad is it, being trapped here?”
She stared at me for a moment, blinked, then gave her head the slightest shake. “I’m not trapped her. None of us are.”
“You stay here by choice?”
“Yes. Everyone here is given that choice. The Highway People bring them back, and if you choose to stay, then your Repairs begin.”
I really couldn’t get my head wrapped around this one. “But…for God’s sake, why would you choose to stay here and take part in all of this?”
“The people we leave behind. If we choose to stay, they are protected. I mean, it’s not like it can be all the people we leave behind, but our immediate family and closest friends, they’re okay.”
“Their numbers are withdrawn from the order?”
“If they have a number, yes. If, like, my sister didn’t have a number—and she didn’t—then I got to pick an extra friend.”
“How long do you have to stay here?”
“Until the people we pick die of natural causes, or however it is they do die. Just not by the Road. Once they’ve all passed on, then we can follow them.”
I tried doing a little arithmetic in my head—if you picked five people, and the youngest was only twelve, then how long…?—then realized it was pointless. She was talking about a long time, no matter how you looked at it. “Can I ask you stupid question?” She smiled. “You can ask me anything. I won’t think it’s stupid.” “How do you get by on a day-to-day basis? How do you stay sane?”
She thought about this for a moment, and then shrugged. “Like everybody else does, I suppose. You go to work when you’re supposed to, you do your job, then you go home, eat dinner, maybe watch some TV or put in a movie. Hang out with friends. Y’know…normal stuff.” “Watch TV or movies?” “Uh-huh.” “Hang out with friends?” “Uh-huh…?” “I guess I’m asking…what do you do for fun? What do you do to relax?” “I like to take walks.” For a moment I thought she was joking, then just as quickly realized she wasn’t. She took hold of my hand, leaned up, and kissed my cheek. “We really need to get going.”
“Ciera, please, please tell me what’s going to happen.” “I can’t. I could get into a lot of trouble if…” She broke off, stared at me, and smiled. “Let me ask you something, okay?” “Okay…?” “Am I prettier than Dianne?”
No way was I going to lie to her—she was the closest thing to an ally that I had (and something told me she’d know instantly if I tried bullshitting her)—but maybe I could respond without actually answering the question.
I touched her cheek and said, “I think you’re beautiful.”
“Thank you. You’re going to race Fairlane.”