Fifty years and one day after this fortunate surgical intervention, which gave rise to a new era in the aesthetics of the human body under the consensual motto that everything about it can always be improved, disaster struck. With a crack of thunder, the lord appeared. He was dressed differently from usual, in keeping perhaps with what would become the new imperial fashion in heaven, wearing a triple crown on his head and wielding a sceptre as if it were a cudgel. I am the lord, he cried, I am he. A mortal silence fell over the garden of eden, not a sound, not even the buzz of a wasp, the barking of a dog, the trilling of a bird, or the trumpeting of an elephant. Nothing, only the chattering of a flock of starlings that had congregated in a leafy olive tree, there since the garden was first created, and which suddenly took flight as one, so many, hundreds, if not thousands of them, that they nearly obscured the sky. Who has disobeyed my orders, who has eaten of the fruit of my tree, asked god, fixing adam with a look that can only be described as coruscating, a word which, though highly expressive, has sadly fallen out of use. In desperation, the poor man tried in vain to swallow the tell-tale piece of apple, but his voice refused to come out, neither fore nor aft. Answer, said the angry voice of the lord, who was brandishing his sceptre in a most threatening manner. Plucking up his courage, and conscious of how wrong it was to put the blame on someone else, adam said, The woman you gave to be with me, she gave me the fruit of that tree and I did eat. The lord turned on the woman and asked, What is this that you have done, The serpent beguiled me and I did eat, Liar, deceiver, there are no serpents in paradise, Lord, I did not say that there were serpents in paradise, but I did have a dream in which a serpent appeared to me, saying, So god has forbidden you to eat the fruit of every tree in the garden, and I said no, that wasn't true, that the only tree whose fruit we could not eat was the one that grows in the middle of paradise, for we would die if we touched it, Serpents can't speak, at most they hiss, said the lord, The serpent in my dream spoke, And may one know what else the serpent said, asked the lord, trying to give the words a mocking tone that ill accorded with the celestial dignity of his robes, The serpent said that we wouldn't die, Oh, I see, the lord's irony was becoming more and more marked, it would seem that this serpent thinks he knows more than I do, That is what I dreamed, my lord, that you didn't want us to eat of that fruit because we would open our eyes and know good and evil just as you know them, lord, And what did you do, you fallen, frivolous woman, when you woke from this delightful dream, I went straight to the tree, ate the fruit and brought some back for adam, who also ate, It got stuck just here, said, adam, touching his throat, Right, said the lord, if that's the way you want it, that's the way it shall be, from now on you can bid farewell to the good life, you, eve, will not only suffer all the discomforts of pregnancy, morning sickness included, you will give birth in pain, and yet you will still feel desire for your husband, and he shall rule over you, Poor me, said eve, what a bad beginning, and what a sad fate will be mine, You should have thought of that before, and as for you, adam, the ground is cursed because of you, and in sorrow will you eat of it all of your days, it will bring forth only thorns and thistles, and you will have to eat the herbs of the fields, only by the sweat of your brow will you manage to grow enough to eat, until you return to the ground out of which you came, wretched adam, for dust you are and to dust you will return. That said, the lord plucked out of the air a couple of animal skins to cover the nakedness of adam and eve, who exchanged knowing winks, for they had known they were naked from the very first day and had made the most of it too. Then the lord said, In knowing good and evil, man has become like a god, and if you were to eat of the fruit of the tree of life you would gain eternal life, whatever next, two gods in one universe, that is why I am expelling you and your wife from the garden of eden, at whose gate I will place an angel armed with a flaming sword, who will let no one enter, now go, leave, I never want to see you again. Bearing on their backs the stinking animal hides, staggering along on unsteady legs, adam and eve resembled two orang-utans who had stood upright for the first time. Outside of the garden of eden, the earth was arid and inhospitable, the lord was not exaggerating when he threatened adam with thorns and thistles. As he had so rightly said, the good life was over.
Chapter 2
Their first home was a low, narrow cave, well, it was more of a cavity than a cave, which they discovered in a rocky outcrop to the north of the garden of eden when they were searching desperately for some shelter. There, at last, they could take refuge from the brutal, burning sun that bore no resemblance to the invariably benign temperatures to which they were accustomed and that had remained constant day and night and at any season of the year. They abandoned the heavy skins that were suffocating them with their heat and stench and returned to their initial nakedness, although to protect the more delicate parts of the body, those that are only partially shielded by the thighs, they resorted to using thinner skins with shorter hair and invented what would later come to be called a skirt, identical in form for women and for men. They went hungry for the first few days, with not even a crust of bread to chew on. The garden of eden was full of fruit, indeed, that was all there was to eat, and even those animals, who should, given their nature as carnivores, feed on red meat, even they, by divine command, had to submit to the same melancholy, unsatisfactory diet. What we don't know is where those skins came from that the lord had summoned up with a snap of his fingers, like a magician. They clearly came from animals, and large ones too, but who had killed and skinned them and where, no one knows. By chance, there was some water nearby, but it was only a somewhat muddy stream and was nothing like the wide river that had its source in the garden of eden and then divided into four, with one branch irrigating the region reputed to have an abundance of gold and with the other flowing through the land of cush. And strange though this may seem to today's readers, the remaining two branches were immediately baptised with the names tigris and euphrates. Faced by the humble little stream laboriously threading its way through the thorns and thistles of the desert, it seems likely that the river had merely been an optical illusion created by the lord himself to make life in the earthly paradise more pleasant. Anything is possible. Yes, anything is possible, even eve's extraordinary idea of going to ask the angel for permission to enter the garden of eden and pick some fruit to keep them alive for a few more days. Adam was as sceptical as any man is regarding the success of any enterprise born of a woman's brain and so he told her to go alone and to prepare to be disappointed, That angel over there, guarding the gate with his flaming sword, is not just any angel, with no weight or authority, he's one of the cherubim, so do you really expect him to disobey the lord's orders, he asked very sensibly, That I don't know nor will I until I try, And if you fail, If I fail, I will have lost only the steps I took from there to here and the words I said to him, she replied, Yes, but we'll be in deep trouble if the angel goes and denounces us to the lord, What, more trouble than we're in already, with no way of earning our living, with no food, no roof over our heads and no clothes worthy of the name, how much more trouble could we be in, the lord has already punished us by expelling us from the garden of eden, and I can't imagine anything worse than that, We have no way of knowing what the lord can or cannot do, In that case, we should demand that he explain himself, and the first thing he should tell us is why he did what he did and to what purpose, You're mad, Better mad than fainthearted, Don't you be disrespectful to me, shouted adam angrily, besides, I'm not fainthearted and I'm not afraid, Well, neither am I, so that makes us even, and there's nothing more to be said, Fine, but don't you forget that I'm the one who gives the orders around here, So the lord said, agreed eve with the look of someone who has uttered not a word. When the sun had lost some of its strength, she set off wearing her skirt and with one of the lighter skins draped over her shoulders. She looked, you might say, very proper, although she could do nothing about her bare breasts, which bobbed about as she walked. She couldn't help it, nor did she even give it a thought, after all, there was no one around to be attracted by them, and, at the time, breasts served only for suckling and little more. She was surprised at herself, at how freely and fearlessly she had replied to her husband, without having to choose her words, merely saying what, in her view, the case merited. It was as if there were another woman inside her, quite independent of the lord and of the husband he had given her, a woman, in short, who had decided to make full use of the tongue and the language that the lord had, in a manner of speaking, stuck down her throat. She crossed the stream, enjoying the coolness of the water that seemed to spread through her veins and simultaneously experiencing something that might have been happiness, well, something, at least, that bore a close resemblance to that word. Then she felt a pang of hunger, this was hardly the moment for such positive thoughts. She waded out of the stream and picked a few sour berries which, although they weren't exactly nourishing, did for a while, a very short while, assuage the need to eat. The garden of eden is very close now, you can clearly see the tops of the tallest trees. Eve is walking more slowly than before and not because she's feeling tired. If adam were here, he would laugh at her, Where's all your bravery now, you're really scared. Yes, she was scared, scared of failing, scared that she wouldn't find the right words to persuade the guard, in fact, she felt so discouraged that she found herself muttering, It would be much easier if I were a man. There is the angel, and in his right hand, the flaming sword shines with a malevolent light. Eve tried to cover her breasts and then went over to him. What do you want, asked the angel, I'm hungry, said the woman, There's nothing here for you to eat, But I'm hungry, she insisted, You and your husband were driven out of the garden of eden by the lord and there is no appeal against that sentence, go away, Would you kill me if I tried to go in, asked eve, That's why I was placed here on guard, You didn't answer my question, Those are my orders, To kill me, Yes, And would you obey that order. The angel did not respond. He merely moved his arm, and the flaming sword in his hand hissed like a serpent. That was his reply. Eve took a step nearer. Stop, said the angel, You'll have to kill me, then, because I won't stop, and she took another step, you'll be left guarding an orchard of rotten fruit that no one will want to eat, god's orchard, the lord's orchard, she added. What do you want, asked the angel again, apparently unaware that repeating the question would be interpreted as a sign of weakness, As I said, I'm hungry, Well, I assumed you'd both be far away by now, Where would we go, asked eve, we're in the middle of a strange desert with not a single path or road, where we haven't seen another living soul all the time we've been here, we sleep in a hole, we eat grass, just as the lord promised, and we have diarrhoea, What's diarrhoea, asked the angel, Another word for it is the runs, the vocabulary the lord taught us has a word for everything, having diarrhoea or the runs, if you prefer that term, means that you can't retain the shit you have inside you, What does that mean, Ah, that's the advantage of being an angel, said eve, and smiled. The angel liked that smile. In heaven, people smiled a lot too, but always seraphically and with the slightly embarrassed look of someone apologising for being so contented, if you could call it contentment. Eve had won the dialectic battle, now she just had to win the battle for food. The angel said, All right, I'll bring you some fruit, but don't tell anyone, My lips are sealed, although my husband will have to know, Come back here with him tomorrow, we need to talk. Eve removed the skin from around her shoulders and said, Use this to carry the fruit in. She was naked from the waist up. The sword hissed more loudly as if it had received a sudden influx of energy, the same energy that led the angel to take a step forward, the same that made him raise his left hand and touch the woman's breast. Nothing else happened, nothing else could happen, angels, as long as they are angels, are forbidden any carnal commerce, only fallen angels were free to get together with whoever they wanted or whoever wanted them. Eve smiled and placed her hand on the angel's hand and pressed it gently to her breast. Her body was grimy, her nails were as black as if she had been using them to dig the earth, her hair was like a tangled nest of eels, but she was a woman, the only one. The angel had gone into the garden, where he took his time picking the most nutritious and luscious of fruits, before returning laden down with a goodly burden. Here you are, he s