She looked more serious in her official work photograph on the firm’s website, but not unattractive. Not an obvious knockout, but then again, I wasn’t going to start throwing stones. Her firm profile said she was in Planning and Environmental. I didn’t know much about what Luke did, but I was pretty sure that meant they were in separate departments. I couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Good, because they wouldn’t see much of each other, but bad because they’d be less concerned with getting involved.
Despite the fact I’d spent half the night stalking Fiona, I hadn’t quite got my fill. I hadn’t memorized every detail of her face. She looked about the same age as Luke, but I wanted to check again. I wanted to take another look. Was she the girl who would be the one to drive the nails into the coffin of Luke and me?
“You can take your break now if you like,” the nurse in charge said. “You go off and get yourself something to eat. You’re looking pale.”
Food was the last thing on my mind, but I was grateful that she’d relieved me early. Just as I was leaving the hospital grounds, my phone vibrated. Haven.
“Hey, how’re you doing?” I asked.
“On lunch. Thinking about you. How was last night?”
“Last night?”
“You know, between you and Luke after you left our place? I mean, it seemed good between you guys when we were having dinner.”
It had been good. I always enjoyed time with Luke.
“Yeah, that’s the point though, isn’t it? We stopped things before we couldn’t go back to being friends. You said it yourself when you first found out about us—if it’s not okay between us, then you’ll be forced to choose and our family gets split up.”
“I should have never said that. I was shocked and speaking before I’d thought about it. You know how I do that.” Her voice was solemn. “I mean . . . I’d never choose one of you over the other. We’ll always be family.”
Haven shouldn’t be feeling bad. She had made a really good point. “But you were right. It might not happen straight away, but if Luke and I can’t get along then we’ll drift apart. I can’t lose either of you.” I wished we were having this conversation face to face. I needed a hug.
“So you’re giving up on something happening between you and Luke because you’re afraid it won’t work and you’ll fall out and lose both of us?” That was exactly what I was afraid of, but I wasn’t giving up on Luke.
“The way I see it is that he can’t possibly have the feelings for me that I have for him. I mean, you know how I’ve felt about him my whole life. Now suddenly he’s single for the first time in forever and he wants me? I just think if he can turn it on that quickly, he can turn it off just as fast.” My stomach flipped at the thought that I may have lost him already. “It would kill me, properly break my heart, if I let myself think we could be something and then later down the line he decided he wanted someone else. And on top of a broken heart, I’d lose my family. I mean, what would I have left?” My stomach churned at the thought of losing Haven and Luke. I guessed I could start again in Hong Kong if that happened. I’d need to get away. “And if we stayed together, I couldn’t go through my whole life knowing that I feel more for him than he does for me. That would turn me inside out eventually.”
“I get it. I do. But, you know, sometimes it’s worth the risk. Is it worth losing him to some girl at the office because you didn’t want to take a chance?”
“I think if he can get serious about someone else then he and I were never going to work in the first place. I’d rather know that now.” It would be painful, but less so. “Do you think I’m an idiot?”
“You’re one of the smartest girls I know. I just worry that you and Luke could be good together. I don’t want you to miss out on happiness. I want that for you. Is it just time you need?”
I didn’t want to miss out either. And I wondered every second about whether I was doing the right thing. “I need time, but Luke does too. I need him to have space to think about his other options.”
“Speaking of other options, is it weird that I’ve been researching this Fiona person?” she asked. “I mean, I understand you’re not ready to be with him yet, but at some point I’m hoping you will be.” Haven began to speak more quickly. “I’m rooting for you, and I don’t want any triathlon queen fucking it up.”
I couldn’t have loved Haven more than I did in that moment.
“Now, I’m not technically getting involved, you understand. I’m just acting like the BFF, which of course, I am.”
“Of course,” I confirmed.
“I’ve not asked Luke about her.”
I had to swallow the disappointment that surfaced in my throat, although I understood she was trying to stay impartial. “But I have asked Jake. Because, you know, I’m married to him.” I could hear the grin in her voice. “Apparently Luke’s never mentioned her before.”
“Right,” I said, trying to keep my delight from seeping into my voice.
“But that’s good. If he was into her, he’d have said something to Jake.”
I wasn’t convinced. There were a million reasons Luke wouldn’t confess his urge to get naked with a coworker to Jake. One, Jake was married to his sister. Luke wasn’t known for his fast decision-making in his personal life, which was a huge part of the reason I’d struggled with the way his feelings for me had switched so suddenly. He might not have decided if he liked Fiona yet.
“She’s pretty.”
“I knew you’d be stalking her. You think she’s Fiona Pritchard? She’s not that pretty.” Haven knew exactly what to say.
“She is pretty. But I need to stop obsessing. Like I said, if he wants her then it was never going to work out between us. I asked him to live his life. This is what I wanted, and this is what he needs.” My head and my heart were in a constant battle and my head was barely winning—staving off the short-term pain for what I hoped would be a long-lasting future together.
“Do you have a time period in mind for him to live his life? A week, a month, a year?” Haven seemed impatient.
I didn’t have an answer for her. I needed to be able to trust Luke’s feelings for me, and part of me wondered if that would ever be possible. I’d loved him my entire life. Perhaps I was asking something from him that he could never provide.
Maybe we were already over.
Ashleigh
It was starting to rain, but I still couldn’t bring myself to hit the buzzer to get inside. Luke had dropped me a text during the week with his address, telling me to arrive at his new place for Sunday dinner at six. I was nervous to see him again, particularly as the last time we’d been alone, I’d told him I missed him and he’d rightly called me a head fuck.
The housewarming gift I’d decided on seemed to grow heavier with every second I carried it. Thinking of the right gift for Luke had kept me busy for the entire week. I wasn’t sure if I should go practical or meaningful. I’d decided on the latter and purchased a magnolia tree for his balcony. I’d mentioned to Richard when I’d seen him on Friday that I was buying a tree and he, very graciously, had given me a ride and then hauled it up my three-story walk-up. I hadn’t realized until now how heavy it was.
For me the present was symbolic, but I wasn’t going to admit that to Luke. I wondered if he’d notice what it was, understand the symbolism. The tree itself was small, just a couple of feet high. The problem with my thoughtful gift was that it wasn’t in bloom and wouldn’t be until the spring. So I was basically turning up with a bunch of sticks poking out of some soil, and attached to them a label of how it would hopefully look. A promise of an almost impossible transformation, and a symbol of my favorite childhood memories. Memories of summers spent under a magnolia tree where I’d fallen in love with Luke.