“I thought . . .” she started.
“Yeah, I did and then . . . Crap. I’m so sorry; I can’t do this.” She was a lovely girl. Pretty, funny, good company.
She just wasn’t Ashleigh.
Ashleigh was the only person I wanted touching me. Ashleigh was the only person I wanted underneath me. I wasn’t ready to be moving on to anything else, wasn’t ready to settle for someone who wasn’t her. I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
“This?” she asked me. “Is it too fast?”
“God, Fiona, I’m really, really sorry.” I turned to face her. “You’re a lovely girl. Really. I like you. I just don’t think this,” I said, indicating between us, “is right, for me. I think I’m not over things with . . .”
“Emma.”
I didn’t correct her, but she couldn’t have been more wrong. I hadn’t been in love with Emma all these years. “I don’t know what to say. I shouldn’t have . . . I thought—”
“Don’t. Maybe I pushed. I liked you and I wanted you to like me as much.”
The last thing I wanted was for her to blame herself. “I do like you; you’re great. Really, you are. This is just me. I think I need to work out what I want.” I wasn’t being truthful. Being with Fiona, who was so right for me in so many ways, just showed me how Ashleigh was perfect for me. It was more complicated and we had way more to lose, but Ashleigh was worth it.
“Is it too soon? Do we just need to slow down?” she asked.
It would be easier if I said yes. But I couldn’t lie to her.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t think this is going to work. But I don’t want you to think it’s anything to do with you.”
She stood and forced a smile. “It’s not you, it’s me?” She lifted an eyebrow. I shook my head. It sounded like an excuse, but it was true.
“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t say it often enough, and I meant it every time. “I wanted this to work. I mean it should work. I like you; I really do. I’m just in love with someone else, and I’m not ready to give up on that. I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Her gaze was fixed to the floor, more disappointed than angry. I wished I’d got to where I was earlier, without hurting her.
“Can we still be friends?” I really enjoyed her company, and I’d liked getting to know someone new. As I got older, I’d retreated into old habits and friendships. I hadn’t realized how much until I’d started hanging out with Fiona and training for the triathlon. “I really like you. Honestly. And I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. You’ve helped me see more of the world. I don’t want to lose that.”
“You’re going to have to give me a bit of time on that.” She folded her arms, creating a barrier between us. “I know you’re not a bad person, and you can’t help who you love. I just need to regroup.”
I nodded, kissed her on the head and left.
I knew where I needed to be.
Luke
Nerves jangled with determination in my stomach, threatening to spill the coffees that I was carrying. It was early on a Sunday morning. The combination of the two meant I was very likely about to have my bollocks chopped off and handed back to me by a sleepy Ashleigh, but at least I’d have had coffee. I couldn’t and wouldn’t spend another second without her. I’d wasted enough years failing to see what was right in front of me. I wasn’t waiting any longer.
The night before with Fiona had brought things into focus. Even nice, comfortable, pretty Fiona wasn’t enough. She simply wasn’t Ashleigh.
Ashleigh was the one, and I was done waiting. I’d been prepared to be patient, for her to be convinced of my feelings for her, but as time went on, I couldn’t help but think maybe she didn’t trust her own feelings. Maybe I had to hold her hand so we could take a leap of faith together.
I took a deep breath and pressed the buzzer to Ashleigh’s flat.
I waited. No answer. She was probably still in bed.
I pressed again. Still no answer. What if she was in bed with someone else? It hadn’t occurred to me, but she might have gotten back together with Richard, or met someone else she liked better. Someone she wanted to get married to and have kids with. Panic started to crawl over me, leaving goose bumps in its wake. I pressed the buzzer again. I’d just have to convince her that they weren’t right for her. That I was.
I pressed again, and this time I didn’t let go.
“What the fuck?” came a voice through the intercom. I grinned. At least she was answering.
“Let me up, Ashleigh.”
“Luke? Jesus. This better be good.”
I heard the clink of the door and pushed the entrance open.
I found myself jogging to the stairwell. A cup in each hand, I tried to keep my arms steady as I took the stairs two at a time to the third floor.
As soon as I reached her corridor, I strained my neck to see her head pop out to welcome me, desperate for my first glimpse of her, but it wasn’t until I stood on her doormat that locks started to clink behind the door.
“Coffee?” I asked, and thrust one of the cups forward.
She narrowed her eyes, but took the drink, heading back up the corridor. Was she mad I was here? Had I interrupted something, someone?
“You’re up,” I said.
“Why would you be surprised about that? Oh, yes, because it’s seven on a Sunday morning. What are you doing here?”
“You’re on your own?” I asked. “I mean, if there’s someone here, that’s fine. I’m gonna punch his lights out, but it’s okay.” I suppressed the urge to run from room to room, checking for hiding suitors.
“Who would be here? Of course I’m alone. I’m studying.”
Good. That was the first step. At least I didn’t have to throw a guy out before I explained why I was here, and why I was never leaving. “You got into business school? Is that why you’re studying?” I asked, looking at the books and papers laid out on the coffee table.
“I’m not sure, but if I did I want to get a head start.” Her forehead furrowed. She looked adorable.
“You are such a geek.” A loveable, perfect geek.
She shrugged. I loved how she didn’t give a shit about that badge. She was who she was, and she was okay with all of it. My heart grew bigger every moment I was near her.
“So?” she asked, taking a sip of coffee and bouncing slightly as she hit the cushions on the sofa. I took a seat beside her.
“Oh, what am I doing here?”
“Uh, yes.”
“I’m here to stay. I’m here to hang out. To spend time with you, to convince you that I’m the only man you’ll ever need or want. That kind of thing. No big deal.” If I was just very matter-of-fact about the whole thing, but completely determined, perhaps she’d understand the inevitability of our future together. Just like I did.
She didn’t move, didn’t blink, didn’t breathe. If I hadn’t caught the flit of her gaze from my eyes to my mouth, I would have reached out to check her pulse.
“Well, I have to study,” she said finally.
“That’s okay. I can just sit here. I’m not going anywhere.” If she tried to kick me out, tell me that she was over what was between us, I’d do whatever it took to convince her she was wrong.
“You’re going to sit here, on your own, while I study?”
“If that’s what it takes. I’m here to show you I’m serious. I’m not getting fobbed off anymore, Ashleigh. I’m not having you tell me that I’m not ready, that I need to choose you and not just end up with you.
“Here. I. Am. I pick you. I’ve had my whole life to decide, to know you, and I’m never going to be more certain about anything in my life as I am about you. I want you. And if I need to sit here all day, all week, all year, that’s what I’ll do.” It felt good to say it. She needed to hear it.