And then of course there was the guilt. I’d had two patients ask if I was okay. Jesus, that made my stomach tumble. I was distracted, feeling sorry for myself and surrounded by people in their last few weeks of life. How incredibly selfish was that?
“Hey, Ash.” A voice from behind interrupted my self-pity. I was considering whether or not I had the energy to greet the person speaking to me when Richard came into view. “You okay?” he asked.
I nodded and forced the corners of my mouth up in an unconvincing smile. I’d not seen much of Richard since we’d broken up. That wasn’t unusual, and it hadn’t been long. He had probably been on nights. My shifts were more predictable, mainly eight to four with the odd Saturday thrown in. Who said there wasn’t a bright side in palliative care?
“Can I join you?” he asked.
I wanted to say no. I wanted to be left alone with my head full of misery, but Richard was too nice to say no to.
“Sure.” I sat back in my chair, my uneaten sandwich in front of me, as I watched Richard set down his tray, his eyes flickering between his food and my face.
“You seem upset.”
I focused on his throat, not wanting to meet his eyes. How could I tell him that I was heartbroken, just not over him? “Tell me a joke,” I said. “Distract me.”
“A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’”
I rolled my eyes but managed a genuine smirk.
“Okay, we’re going to need a bigger boat.” He narrowed his eyes then said, “I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.”
Half-heartedly, I mimed a roll of the drums and the bash of a cymbal.
“It must be bad. That was funny. What’s up?”
I shrugged and turned back to the rain. “This weather is shit.”
“Yeah, but it’s like this a lot and you’re not normally miserable. How about I cheer you up?”
Richard was being nice, but I just wanted to disappear into myself. I didn’t want to cheer up.
“I have tickets to see Bradley Cooper in The Elephant Man. Wanna come?”
I lifted my chin. What? Was he asking me out to improve my mood, or because he wanted another shot? Perhaps Luke would want another shot with Emma now I’d pushed him away. The thought made my stomach churn.
“Next Thursday, you’re probably busy, but . . .”
“How come you have a spare ticket?” I sounded ungrateful, which wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to establish on what terms he was asking me. “I mean, it’s a popular show.”
“I got them for my mum, but I got the date wrong and she’s away on some yoga retreat. I hoped we were still friends, but if you feel uncomfortable . . .” This time it was Richard’s turn to concentrate on the rain. God, I’d infected him with my bad mood.
“That’s so sweet of you. I’d love to go to the theater.” But how did I make it clear that I wasn’t interested in trying again with him? “I mean, it’s really very kind of you to invite me. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather take someone else?” I didn’t want him to waste a good date opportunity. But at the same time, I was curious how they were going to turn Bradley Cooper, of all people, into the Elephant Man. It was the first time I’d spent a full ten seconds not thinking about Luke. It was a relief to know it was possible.
“No, I’d like us to go together. As friends.” He said the last words as if he were replying to his mother. Yes, I’ll be back my dinner time. Yes, I’ve brushed my teeth. I’d never seen him look so young. He grinned, and I couldn’t help but return his smile.
“I’d like that,” I said. I knew I would. He was a good guy, and I needed to widen my social circle. Spending some time with people outside of Luke’s world would be good for me.
“You never know, Ash, you might just fall in love with me once you see The Elephant Man.”
I rolled my eyes. “Is that your plan?”
“I couldn’t possibly tell you. All I know is the hottest woman at the hospital just agreed to go to the theater with me.”
“Yeah, super-hot. Especially in my clogs.” I pointed to my feet. I wanted to go, but I needed him to know we were in the friend zone.
“I know we’re going as friends. But you can’t rule anything out in this life.” He grinned. “Remember that.”
By the time I finished my shift, the small sliver of light that Richard’s invitation had created had disappeared, and the gray had returned. I kept going to text or call Haven or Luke, then remembering that I couldn’t. I’d switched my phone off. I couldn’t be upset when it didn’t ring if it wasn’t on in the first place.
Girl logic.
I was staring into the fridge, trying to decide if I was hungry enough to make myself an omelet, when I jumped at the sound of the buzzer. Shit, I wasn’t dressed for company. I wasn’t mentally prepared to have to speak to people without coming off crazy. I’d managed it at work—at least I thought I had. No one else had asked if I was okay, so I felt like I’d pulled it off. But it had taken a tremendous effort. Now, all I wanted to do was sit and watch mindless television. My door vibrated under the force of someone’s fist. Fucking hell.
My stomach flipped at the outside possibility that it might be Luke, here to tell me I’d been an idiot, to hold my head in his hands and give me a Hollywood-style kiss. It would be so much easier if that had been his reaction. I would have given in to him, and in the long run, it would have destroyed us. But at least I wouldn’t be feeling as hopeless as I was, and right at that second, that sounded pretty good.
“Open the fucking door, Ash,” Haven yelled. I sprinted to the spyhole to see if she was alone.
“I’m coming, you impatient shrew.” Amongst the shouting, I forgot for a second that maybe it might be awkward, given that I’d had sex with her brother and then dumped him. Or sort of dumped him. Was she going to pick a side? Had she come here to give me a piece of her mind? Put her shoe up my ass?
I flung the door open, and before I got a chance to say anything, she pushed past me carrying supermarket bags.
Haven unpacked what looked like a year’s worth of carbohydrates onto my kitchen counter. “So, I have all mandatory food groups. Wine, ice cream, chocolate, white bread and pizza. Oh yes, and of course, diet Coke.” She began wrestling with the corkscrew. “What do you want to start with?”
I picked up a humungous bar of chocolate and pulled the corners apart.
“You look like you’ve showered,” she said, clearly expecting me to be more of a mess.
“No one died,” I replied.
“No, you just told the love of your life that you didn’t want to be with him.”
I let her words swirl around the kitchen as I tried to work out whether she sounded angry with me. Upset? Disappointed? But I couldn’t hear any of that. Her tone was entirely neutral.
“You think I’m nuts?” I asked.
“I love my brother, right?” Haven glanced at me, and I had to look away. “And I love you. I want you to be happy. From what he’s told me, I get it. I think. But I’m here for you. Until death do us part.”
“You’re a freak. I think those are the vows you exchanged with your husband,” I said, shaking my head.
“The thing is you and I don’t need vows. It’s just how it is.” She thrust a cold glass of wine into my hand and ushered us out of the kitchen, laden with alcohol and snacks.
“I was worried you’d tell me I was an idiot.” I broke off a chunk of chocolate the size of my head.