As soon as I came out of the stall, my phone pinged again.
Luke: It’s nothing to do with the hormones. I miss you.
Living together these past few weeks had been going better than I’d expected. I didn’t feel the pressure for everything to be perfect the way that I’d thought I would. Everything felt so natural between us, as if we’d been a couple forever.
I went back to the table with more enthusiasm than I’d had when I left. I hoped Haven was done talking about cock.
“Those bathrooms smell of some disgusting air freshener. I hope what they serve up smells better,” I said, wrinkling my nose.
“The food is always good here.” Haven waved her hand toward the kitchen. “So how’s it going with Luke? Are you having the battle of the toilet seat?”
I grinned. “Nope. He’s good with putting the lid down.”
“He is?”
“It’s going well, actually. It doesn’t feel like the big adjustment I expected it to be.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t with Jake either. I guess when it’s right, it’s not hard work.”
“Maybe that’s it.” It felt right—as if we’d always lived together.
“You’ll be getting married next,” she said.
“As if. Luke isn’t the marrying kind. He’s already told me that.” I wasn’t exactly upset that Luke and I would never get married. More, I’d always seen marriage as part of my future—I’d just have to adjust my happy ever after. It was Luke I wanted. Not simply a husband.
“So you’ve talked about it?”
“Nope. He told me when he was talking about Emma wanting the big white dress.”
“Guys change their minds,” she offered.
“He was pretty clear. It broke him and Emma up, if you remember, and I wouldn’t place marriage over Luke. It’s a small compromise. I know he loves me.”
“It’s good to see you so happy. You have a little love glow about you.”
I grinned. I could barely stop smiling these days.
The waiter brought our food, and we clinked water glasses.
“Will you be my birthing partner?” She munched on a pepper. My stomach churned. The food wasn’t as good as it normally was. I couldn’t bring myself to eat much of anything. Haven wasn’t having the same problem.
“Jake will be your birthing partner, you crazy.”
“You know the best thing about being pregnant?”
Apart from the inability to keep on one subject for more than five seconds?
“No periods. The rest of it is terrible and terrifying. But at least I don’t have periods.”
I grinned then released the muscles in my cheeks as I checked the date on my phone. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a period. I must have mixed up my dates or my pills or something. I’d have to check when I got home. “What do you find terrifying? Having to give up your freedom?”
“Actually, not so much. More the responsibility. I want my kid to be a good person, but what happens if I fuck it up? Create a monster, or a serial killer? He or she might turn out to be a murderer.”
“It worries me that worries you.” I shook my head.
“You don’t think about it?”
“That I’m going to give birth to a serial killer? Not today or even this week, no. But then again, I’m not pregnant.” As I said the words, I started to fit together pieces of the last few weeks. The lethargy, the heightened sense of smell, the fact that food I normally loved wasn’t tasting so great—not to mention the distinct lack of my period. I couldn’t be, could I? I was on the pill and . . . I must be just sharing symptoms with Haven. I’d read that sometimes happened to close friends. At least, I thought I’d read it. I was probably coming down with something I’d picked up at the hospital. All this talk of Haven’s pregnancy was making me paranoid.
“I can’t wait for you and Luke to have kids. Say you won’t leave it too long. I want ours to be best friends. They can grow up together like we did.”
My heart swelled at the thought, but then I caught myself. “We’ve been living together for five seconds. We’re not about to get pregnant. And I’m not sure Luke wants kids. He keeps saying how sorry he feels for Jake being a father so quickly.”
“Typical that he doesn’t feel sorry for me. You’ve not talked about kids with him?” Haven asked.
I shrugged. I did want children and not having them would be a far bigger compromise for me than not getting married. I shivered as, for a fleeting second, I considered the possibility of life without Luke. I was pretty sure that if Luke wanted kids, he would have said something by now.
And that’s why there was no way I could be pregnant. A pregnancy would destroy Luke and me, and force me to make a choice that I wasn’t willing to make.
“What do you mean? You don’t want to have my brother’s kids?”
“I don’t think he wants kids, so we’re not getting pregnant.” I’d not had time to think about this seriously since we’d been together. I loved him so much that what was important was being together. I’d never let my mind wander past that point.
“Has he actually said that he doesn’t want kids with you?”
“We’ve not discussed it. Are you crazy? Why would we be discussing things like that? I’m not ready to even think about it. And it’s pretty clear how Luke feels.”
Of course, I’d thought about it in the abstract. I knew I wanted to be a mother at some point. I also knew I wanted to be with Luke, and he had no interest in having children. I guess after being in love with a guy my whole life, somehow I’d not found time to think through the practicalities of actually being with him. Was it possible that he wasn’t going to be able to give me the life that I wanted? My stomach flipped as I realized that at some point I’d have to choose—become a mother or be with Luke. Although I hoped I had just gotten my dates mixed up, there was a possibility that I might have to choose sooner rather than later.
“How do you know if he’s never told you?”
“You know how he was with Emma. He doesn’t do the change thing very well. He wouldn’t even marry Emma, let alone have . . .”
“But we’re not talking about Luke and Emma. We’re talking Luke and you. I’m sure if you want kids, Luke will come round to the idea.”
My stomach rolled at the thought of having to convince Luke about what our future together would look like.
“I’m excited to be an unofficial aunt, though,” I said, trying to change the subject.
“Jake told me that he’ll be on baby duty as often as I want him to. So you and I can still go out like we did before. And I’m going to get a nanny so I can keep working.” Jake was a smart guy. He knew as well as I did that as soon as their baby arrived, Haven’s huge heart would explode, and she wouldn’t let her baby out of her sight. He just was clever enough not to try to tell her before she was ready to hear it.
“You don’t need to worry—you’ll be a wonderful mother.”
“You think?”
She’d be a great mom. “I know.” I hoped she’d have the opportunity to say those words back to me someday.
I stuffed the two pregnancy tests back into their box, put the box inside a grocery bag and put the bag into the metal container marked hazardous waste. I was in one of the disabled bathrooms on the ward, and I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to leave.
My training as a nurse told me that a false positive was much less likely than a false negative, which in itself wasn’t very likely. I was pregnant. It had taken me the whole day to work up the courage to take a test, but I’d thrown up this morning so there’d been no more putting it off.
I began to pace. I couldn’t have an abortion, I knew that much. But I’d seen Luke’s reaction when his sister had announced she was pregnant—he had been happy for her . . . and relieved it wasn’t him. He didn’t want this baby. For me, it was more complicated. It was a shock, but I also wanted to be a mother.
I ran through my options. I could tell Luke that I was pregnant and that I wanted to keep it and I didn’t want to lose him, which was the truth. He’d no doubt accept it on the surface, and we’d raise the child together, but he’d spend the rest of our lives resenting me. I loved him, and I didn’t want him unhappy. I couldn’t bear the thought that he might hate me or our life together. The alternative was to keep the pregnancy to myself for now, end things between us for some spurious reason and then, when a little time had passed and he had accepted that we were over, I could tell him about the baby and explain that I was going to bring the child up on my own. The latter option might just kill me, but it would protect Luke from the life that he’d never wanted with Emma. I couldn’t force that on him. Or my child.