None of us are perfect, however much we might strive to be, but I think that, for viewers especially, that’s actually one of the biggest attractions of camming. There’s a rawness and a realness to it that you don’t get with porn alone. Things don’t always go to plan, but it’s authentic and it’s genuine, and that’s what keeps people coming back for more.
My next journal entry came several days later…
I’ve been doing this job for a while now but it’s still weird to consider this my reality, my normality. I worry already that I’ve become somewhat of a caricature – a fairly attractive (though by no means perfect) young, willing cam slut with a taste for sleaze and kink.
Whilst all of that does ring true, there’s so much more to me than that, and I feel, and fear, that the bigger J Matt grows, the smaller Joseph becomes. It’s a catch 22 situation. I don’t want to lose who it is I am at heart, but equally, I crave the reassurance and validation that camming gives me, because growing up it was something I never had.
Nobody at school ever stopped to tell me I was hot, or handsome. All I remember were jibes, taunts and sniggers in the hallways. I think a lot of my ex classmates would probably be shocked by what it is I do now, and how openly I’ve been willing to flaunt my sexuality. Several of them probably envisaged me growing up to be the 40 year old virgin. My rebellion started later than most, and I guess in some ways I still haven’t entirely grown out of it. I question sometimes if indeed I ever will…
I did a private cam show via Skype earlier today that, despite my preparation, didn’t go entirely to plan. I wasn’t able to follow through with what we’d agreed upon beforehand, and even though he thanked me and made out it was no big deal, in truth I felt like a failure. I felt like I’d let him down for not delivering all the goods and it made me feel… well, a bit pathetic.
I still got paid for it and he hasn’t explicitly stated that he was unhappy with how it all went, but following that show, all my self-doubts, insecurities and feelings of unworthiness came creeping back in, and suddenly I felt like such an amateur, a fraud. I wish I could just brush it aside and move on, but it’s never been that easy for me. I put my all into that show, wanked myself hard for a good 45 minutes, working the room in a variety of positions till I was dripping and drenched in sweat, and STILL I felt inferior – all because there was no big climactic moment. I’m supposed to be running the ship, the one in control. How utterly unprofessional I must have seemed!
I scroll down my Twitter and Tumblr news feed and frequently lust after the men I see. But at the same time I’m constantly measuring myself up to them, comparing myself, and I always, at least in my own mind, come up short.
I lay down on tanning beds in an attempt to get the perfect tan that mother nature never blessed me with, I plan tattoos and piercings in a bid to make my skin seem more interesting, I jog daily and lift weights, and I try and keep my diet in check. I strive for that perfect male physique but I fear I’ll never reach it. And lets say I did… would I even be happy?
I feel like I’m treading water. Scraping by but with no real sense of direction. I hope I can find the right one soon, wherever that may be…
Obviously I was feeling very insecure at the time of writing the above entry, and still to this day I doubt myself and over think things. I do think it’s good to be self critical to a degree but when you’re too hard on yourself and not feeling secure in your own skin it does have a tendency to come across on cam.
It’s 9am on Friday the 3rd of July. Fuck! How did we get this far into the year? My mum has this thing about saying ‘White Rabbits’ at the start of each month which I’ve never quite understood. Does anyone else ‘celebrate’ so to speak with that phrase? Where does it originate from? Either way I’ve got the image of a White Rabbit permanently tattooed on my left calf (inspired by one of my favourite Disney movies – Alice in Wonderland, of course!) so I must admit I haven’t felt the need…
Feeling slightly hung over today. Made a deal to take a shot of some 45% Turkish alcohol I found laying around the house each time someone tipped me on cam, and lets just say I got PLASTERED. I didn’t hang about too long in my chat room (which is probably a good thing as I’d have been legless much earlier on into the night if the tips came rolling in too fast!). So with the promise of money, like a carrot being dangled in front of a donkey’s face, I switched back over to my old trusted friend Skype to continue with another impromptu one on one…
My last private show didn’t go so well, so I was more than a little bit nervous about going ahead with another, but it all worked out fine in the end, even if things did get a little messier than intended (I’m saying no more!). Some clients are easier to deal with than others, but this one was generally quite relaxed about the whole thing. I don’t like feeling like I’m being paid to sit around and do nothing but make small talk but he didn’t seem to mind my regular cigarette intervals too much, and we still got on with things as intended. In other words, I feel like I delivered on all counts and both of us I think it’s fair to say were pleased by the end of it. Even if I was completely smashed. Ha, never mind! Job well done I think…
If I have anything to add to the entry above in hindsight, it’s to be very careful with drinking alcohol whilst on cam. I still get nervous every time I hit the ‘Broadcast’ button, believe it or not, so I’ll often have a beer or two during my shows to ease some of my performance anxiety, and loosen up a bit. I have though, on a number of occasions, gone way overboard and got extremely intoxicated, egged on by my viewers. Like most people, when I drink my inhibitions are lowered, and so I’ve quite often ended up doing things I would never normally do, or at least not without being tipped. People want a free show, or to spend as little as they can on you – and if you’re drunk, or high, it’s so much easier to get carried away and perform for next to nothing. Don’t fall into that trap; you’ll only end up regretting it afterwards!
Sold a few things on Ebay that I need to sort out then post, later today, reluctant as I am to venture into town. I haven’t been paid in advance but I’m pretty sure I pre-maturely promised a couple of guys I’d do shows for them at some point via Skype today. I’m not desperate for the money; last night was a nice little earner, but I am a man of my word. We’ll see how that one goes because camming at all is pretty much the last thing on my mind right now, but whatever. I’m hoping I’ll be feeling a bit more energised and up for it later, otherwise I’ll have to be the dick that reschedules.
I don’t like letting people down but equally I don’t think it’s fair to broadcast if my heart’s not in it. When I first started out camming, I’d force myself to do shows (generally on Cam4) however knackered or miserable I was, because I thought the more time I put into it the more I’d get out of it…