SIX – The monkey on my back
I’ll open this chapter with one of my final journal entries – or rather, a message I posted publically on my Tumblr blog as a bit of an update for my fans, following a period of time where I’d been broadcasting less and less frequently. Firstly though, a little explanation behind it all…
In the period between my last entry and this one – a near 2 month timeframe, I was having a bit of a tough time to say the least.
The biggest problem I was facing was my growing dependence on benzodiazepines. Since Jordan had first offered me valium way back in February, I had seen it as the perfect form of relief for my anxiety; the answer to all my problems. When I’d ran out of the tablets he’d given me, I scoured the internet in search of more and was soon pill popping a variety of benzos, both prescription and legal (research chemicals sold online under the pretence of being ‘Not for human consumption’) on a daily basis to alleviate my nerves, stress and the growing pressure I felt under to perform and live up to the hype that I’d created. The hype of being ‘Jmatt93’.
By this point I’d developed quite a big online following and had a self-written article published on the Cam4 blog, which was later adapted into an easier digestible interview format and featured alongside my photos in both ‘Dirtyboyz’ and ‘QX’ magazine. I was climbing the metaphorical ladder of online fame and was no longer a clueless newcomer. I was, at least to anyone looking in, a self made success story and experienced cammer – ‘the poster boy of Cam4’. But my accomplishments, sadly, didn’t come without a price.
Benzos are a highly addictive class of drugs, and it wasn’t until I ran out of them, whilst waiting for my next order to arrive, that I started to experience the physical and mental withdrawal effects of sudden cold-turkey detox.
Without realising it I’d developed a physical dependence upon them, and the longer I went without, the harder it was to function. Insomnia, muscle spasms, suicidal thoughts, tremors and manic episodes were just some of the side effects I was finding myself having to deal with. It made it impossible for me to cam when I was in withdrawal…
What’s up guys? Beyond the occasional photo post, it’s been quite a while since I properly updated you on certain aspects of my life (camming to be precise) so I thought I’d let you know how I’m getting on with that at the moment…
I had a bit of a rough patch a few months back, which ultimately led to a lot of anxiety over 1-on-1 Skype shows and a few disappointed customers, so, though they were certainly nice little earners, I’ve cut back on them for the time being and decided to focus mostly exclusively on promoting myself via Cam4 once more. I hope my Skype regulars aren’t too disappointed with this decision. I will be back on top form eventually, just please allow me some time to get into a better mental space (I’m getting there… slowly)
I’ve been trying to get more organised and keep to a better schedule recently so my subscribers know in advance when I plan to go live, and so far that’s working out pretty well. I’m also massively grateful for all the tokens, 5 star ratings and retweets. Particularly from Cam4 themselves who always seem to share via Twitter when I’m broadcasting live.
My shows have certainly progressed from my early days as a performer and are definitely more extreme than they used to be, but I don’t view that as a bad thing per se. I feel like with camming you have to grow and adapt with your audience and be prepared for whatever requests might come your way. With access to a growing supply of gear/toys I find I can quite easily cater to a variety of different fetishes, now more than ever before, though I must admit inserting a banana into my anus (as I did this weekend) was in fact a first for me. Not gonna lie though, I did kinda like it!
I’ve cammed consistently for the last 5 nights in a row so am allowing myself a few days down time to retain my sanity and regroup. I’ve got nearly $500 sitting in my account (solely from Cam4) from the last month alone so there’s definitely still money to be made. Some nights are better than others but I’m taking strides and getting my confidence back so that’s something hugely positive I feel :]
Hope you’re all well. Feel free to send me an ‘ASK’ if you have any questions, or hit me up on twitter – twitter.com/jmatt93cam
I’m not sure how much of that entry was me trying to save face and reassure both myself and my audience that things were going OK. On reflection I’m fairly certain I was high when I wrote it, but I was doing what I felt was expected of me, and trying to maintain the viewership I’d built up, and capitalise on that financially.
With regards to my benzodiazepine addiction, my tolerance was fast growing and I found myself having to order more and more just to get me through the day. Most of my earnings went on that alone. I knew I needed help, but the doses I was now taking were so extreme that I feared I was a lost cause.
I pushed it to the back of my mind, focused on performing and tried to order online far enough in advance that I was never without for more than a day.
In the modern digital age of today, it’s important to keep up to date with your fans and promote yourself, especially if your job is online based.
For any webcam performer, I’d say it’s pretty much essential that you set up a Twitter account with a link to your camming profile, and try and update as often as you can to let your followers know when you plan to be online, as well as sharing pics or short video clips that will hold their interest.
Try and connect with other performers and be sure to respond in a timely manner to anyone who tweets @ you. Not only is it the polite thing to do, it also shows that you’re easily accessible, and happy to engage and communicate. Don’t ignore your followers – if you isolate them then you’re alienating your fan base which is the worst thing anyone trying to make a living out of camming could possibly do.
As well as Twitter, I myself also have accounts on Tumblr and Instagram, a Facebook ‘fan page’ (separate from my personal one), and channels on both Xtube and Youtube. The saying goes ‘don’t put all your eggs in the same basket’ – meaning the more online profiles you have, the more chance you have of gaining new followers and fans. Take caution though, as it can at times prove difficult to keep them all up to date with fresh content – bear this in mind when signing up to anything new, and don’t ever bite off more than you think you can chew!
SEVEN – Opportunity Knocks!
I was first approached by the team who were in charge of shooting the documentary ‘Webcam Boys’ in mid November. It was pitched to me pretty straightforwardly – an exploration in to the world of male webcamming through the eyes of the performers themselves, to be aired in early 2016 as part of a season of shows on BBC3 entitled ‘One Click Away’.