I know they’d been looking for guys to take part in the show from as far back as early October, so was a bit surprised that they’d got in touch with me so late. But apparently there’d been some big table meeting between the BBC3 team and Cam4 (In my imagination I always picture a board room filled with lots of men and women in suits sat around a great long table, sipping their vending machine coffee’s and diligently taking notes, but I’m sure in reality it was a lot more casual). David Thomas, the marketing director of Cam4, had put my name forward as a suggestion of someone who might be of interest to them.
It couldn’t have come at a worse time though really. You’d have thought after reading the email asking me if I was up for taking part, that I’d be chomping at the bit to jump on board, but it must have been a week or so before I even responded.
I’d not been home long – having revisited London after an old mate had invited me over for a Halloween themed house-warming party at his new flat. But things had soon gone awry with the introduction of drugs, including crystal meth and ketamine, neither of which I’d touched since way back in February, and paranoia fuelled accusations from a guy I’d up until then considered a trustworthy friend had left me returning back home feeling wounded and vulnerable.
The whole saga had drained me completely, so much so that the potential glitz and glamour of being a reality TV star seemed like too much to handle. On top of all this, I’d just recently entered into a new relationship – my first since leaving Nick, with a lovely bloke from Bristol called Steve who I’d met initially through camming. We’d exchanged messages back and forth for a short while online, then he’d come and picked me up in his black VW Golf and brought me over to his flat, where I’d since been spending most of my weekends (excluding the ill fated Halloween trip to London). Steve wasn’t my usual type at all. He was softer than my previous boyfriends, more caring and attentive to my needs, naïve and unsure of himself at times, insecure even – but his awkwardness was sort of what endeared me to him the most.
I sat cross legged in his living room on his green leather sofa with my laptop out in front of me, pulled up the email, and called him over from the kitchen area where he was pottering around cleaning dishes.
“So what do you think?” I asked gently, as he read over the contents of the email thoroughly. Steve was always very thorough.
He pondered over it for a moment.
“…well?”
“I don’t think you should do it,” he said.
“Why?” I replied. “I mean it could have come at a better time admittedly but it is an opportunity.”
“If it hadn’t have been for the whole Halloween ordeal I’d have probably have said consider it, but having seen the effect that had on you, I mean… are you sure you could handle something like this?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “But… maybe it’ll be a good thing. To take my mind off all that shit for a little while.”
“And you’re completely comfortable with them filming you camming? What about telling them you have a boyfriend now?”
“Of course I’ll mention you, why wouldn’t I?”
“Because then they’re gonna want me involved too. We haven’t been seeing each other that long at all, I’m not sure I’m comfortable taking part.”
“You don’t have to take part if you don’t want to,” I reassured him.
“I want to support you any way I can,” he said.
After careful consideration, I replied to the email.
My response was as follows…
‘Thank you for getting in touch, sorry it’s taken me so long to respond.
Truthfully it’s been quite a stressful few weeks and I’m not 100% together; been at a bit of a crossroads with drugs creeping in and becoming a bit of an issue again. I feel like if I’m honest about the reality of my life it might all be a little bit too dark and heavy-going for your documentary.
I’m definitely an exhibitionist and there are many things I love about camming, but I’m not the success story I’d like people to think I am. I do my best to chug along but there are times it’s a struggle for me to keep to a regular schedule and balance everything else that’s going on in my life.
That said, I’d be willing to chat further if you still want to.
I know it’s early stages so I’m not going to jump the gun. You have my number/email now anyway if you wish to talk further.
What else was there to say? I’d been as honest as I possibly could be. The ball was in their court now…
Soon afterwards, Jamie, who had written the email, called me on my mobile. I didn’t recognise the number so was a bit uneasy upon answering but he introduced himself right away, and so I put my best ‘phone voice’ on.
It was the first time I’d heard back from anyone on the team and I was half expecting him to tell me that I’d left it too late to reply and they were already wrapping up filming, or that what I’d written in my email response had effectively ruled me out of participating. On the contrary though, he seemed very pleased to have finally got hold of me, and was eager to get some answers to his questions. He wanted to know…
- My living situation
- The important people in my life
- How often I cammed
- How much I earned
- What my parents thought about it
- What my boyfriend thought about it
- My availability the upcoming month
I was put on the spot a little bit admittedly, so there were a lot of ’umm’s and ’ah’s from my side of the conversation – what is it about phone calls with strangers that makes me so bloody nervous!?, but I suppose they were pretty standard questions for any TV researcher to want to know the answers to, in order to assess whether I was a good choice for the show or not. I told him right off the bat of my doubts and concerns, but he was very positive and understanding, and made me feel as if there was no pressure to commit to anything right away. Far from being turned off by what I’d told him, he actually said that he thought my particular situation was interesting (camming from my family’s outhouse, new boyfriend on the scene etc.), and that my story was something that the team were especially keen to hear more of. Jamie told me to think things over and get back to him.
The next day I’d yet to respond, but received an email from Jamie once more. He asked me if I’d thought things through yet and whether or not I’d be willing to consider an ‘informal meeting’ – basically he was prepared to travel down to Bristol and meet with Steve and I to discuss things in a little more detail.
Steve was up for it and interested to know more, (if perhaps naturally still a little sceptical of the agenda behind it all), and Jamie made it very clear that by meeting with him, neither of us were committing formally to anything. He just wanted, I think, to get a gauge for what I was like in person, what I was willing, or unwilling, to be filmed doing, and how I came across on camera. By camera, I mean a short video interview he’d shoot on his I-phone, that he could take back to London and show the rest of the team.
He arranged to take the train down from London to Bristol early the following morning, and Steve drove the two of us down to Temple Meads train station where we were to meet with him.