“Sure,” I said, making my way over, and gently shutting the kitchen door behind me so we had at least a little privacy.
“So,” I said. “What’s the plan?”
“Well we wanna film you getting ready, so I’m just wondering if there’s any sort of tradition or ritual you usually do before you put on one of your shows?”
“Mmhm,” I said, gesturing towards the sun bed in the corner.
“I always try and get at least 15 minutes on the tanning bed before each show.”
“But you’re so brown already!” shrieked Mobeen in sheer disbelief.
“I know,” I laughed, “but it relaxes me, and I like to look as dark as possible because I feel like with all the lights in my cam room it kinda… I always look lighter on webcam I guess is what I’m trying to say.”
“Fair enough,” Jess said. “Can’t argue with that.”
“Right well if that’s how you normally do things Joseph then I guess that’s what we’ll shoot,” Mobeen said decisively.
I stripped down to my underwear (actually it was Steve’s, a really lovely pair of ‘AussieBum’ briefs with an almost paisley blue pattern – I was always borrowing his underwear!) and then lay down on the tanning bed under the comforting heat of the fluorescent UV lights. I lit up a cigarette and flicked the ash into a mug on the chair beside me. Is it smart to smoke on sun beds? No, of course not, it’s an awful thing to do – but it’s what I usually do, and if they wanted reality then I was sure as hell gonna give it to ‘em.
Regarding smoking, there’s a lovely little exchange in the film ‘Bridget Jones – The Edge of Reason’ between her and her father that I always relay to people when they tell me I should quit.
Dad (to Bridget): Ciggy?
Bridget: No. No thanks, I’ve given up again.
Dad: Shame. I find them very useful. I take great comfort in the fact that they might kill me before things actually get worse
Need I say more?
After filming me tanning (and smoking) for a good 10 minutes, I shimmied back into my comfy clothes and the three of us marched off to my cam room. Never before that moment had I been so aware that I’d signed up to take part in a show called ‘Webcam Boys’ and now had to prove my worth. The pressure was well and truly on.
Of course, I knew that there were quite strict protocols in place as to what can and can’t be shown on BBC3, even after the watershed, but I was told to just get on with performing my show as I usually would, and there was nothing that wasn’t filmed. To an outsider looking in, it certainly would’ve liked like Jess and Mobeen were filming some sort of gay porno – even if they seemed the most unlikely looking duo to be doing such a thing.
Because of the spatial limitations within my cam room, we didn’t have a whole lot of room to work with, and I had to pretty much confine myself to one single corner of the room where the leather sofa was in place to put on my show. It wasn’t ideal, but I’m not criticising Jess or Mobeen for that, because I think in actuality it was rather a struggle for all three of us. I remember at one point Mobeen wanted to get a long shot of me addressing my audience (or whatever the fuck I was doing at the time in front of my webcam), and he was literally having to squat down in the space between the toilet and sink in the tiny bathroom opposite me to attempt it. Then he wanted to get a second opinion on whether the shot looked right or not, so he called Jess over and she somehow managed to squeeze herself in between him, the camera, the sink and the toilet (much like some sort of crazy contortionist), just to get a look-in!
Witnessing that whole scene play out whilst trying to keep a straight face for my viewers, who had no idea what was going on directly in front of me, still makes me laugh out loud to this day – madness! And this coming from the guy in the arseless wrestling singlet with a ball gag round his neck, who was about to stick some nipple clamps on…
I hadn’t decided beforehand how long I intended on broadcasting for, but I was pulling in such a great audience and getting tipped for all sorts of requests that there was no way I was going to stop until my numbers dropped a bit or I was physically unable to carry on. The more engaged I was in my viewers, the less attention I paid to Jess and Mobeen. And I think in a sense that was a good thing because it was exactly what they wanted – J Matt being J Matt. I like to think of it as a wildlife documentary with me as the subject, and the two of them observing me in my natural habitat, with what I imagine to be a fair blend of fascination and disgust.
After close to 3 hours, and almost £150 richer, I’d decided that I’d had enough. I blew a kiss into the webcam, thanked my fans for all their support and tokens and then proceeded to end the broadcast.
With one click of a button I found myself suddenly transported back to reality. Here I was, in an outhouse I called my cam room, curled up naked on a leather sofa with two people I’d known for less than a day having just witnessed a sexually-charged webcam performance, carried out solely by me, and taking place right before their eyes. Before I’d clicked the ‘End Broadcast’ button there were still close to 100 or so people in my chat room – but now it was just me, Jessica and Mobeen. I realised that J Matt had disappeared the moment I’d shut down my laptop, and as Joseph, I suddenly felt extremely vulnerable and exposed. But the cameras were still rolling, and then came Mobeen asking questions…
“So, what was that like for you Joseph?”
I was usually articulate, but realising how strange of a situation I was in, I struggled to find the words to answer that, or in fact any of his follow up questions. I think Mobeen, and Jessica too, were surprised by my reaction. I felt like a deer in the headlights.
I’d just made a considerable amount of money, which on any usual night I’d have been celebrating. But, I suppose, I felt embarrassed, having known they’d seen it all play out. I wondered what they thought of me, on a personal level, now that they’d seen me performing as J Matt. I worried it would change how they were going to treat me in the days to come.
I was tired. I needed to throw some comfy clothes back on, smoke a cigarette and go and get something to eat. The cam room was a mess, but I left it that way so they could get the ‘cut to’ shots they wanted for the edit; dildos covered in baby oil, banana skins, an ash tray full of cigarettes – that sort of thing I presumed.
My parents were in bed by this time. I left Jess and Mobeen to their business and took momentary solace in some alone time in the kitchen with a plate of reheated cheese and onion quiche, then said my goodbye’s when they were finished.
I had no trouble sleeping that night. When my head finally hit the pillow I was well and truly exhausted!
The next day we were scheduled for another 11am filming start. I got up at about 10.15 to get camera ready, which was less time than I’d allowed myself the day before, but as I had already picked out what I was going to wear, all I had to do was take a quick shower and fix my hair and I was good to go.
Jess and Mobeen turned up on time but with the technical setup it took to get all of the equipment ready and ‘set the scene’ – a casual conversation between my mum and I at the kitchen table, we probably didn’t actually get started until closer to 12. With the two of us both mic’d up, Mobeen finally started rolling with his camera.