I’ll also admit that I was slightly worried about the reception my mum would receive. Agreeing to take part herself and admitting to having allowed me the out house as my ‘office’, knowing full well what it was I was really doing in there, she was opening herself up to a lot of criticism, but I don’t recall hearing from anyone with a single bad word to say about her or her style of parenting – quite the opposite in fact. My fans adore her – more so than me at times I worry! They always ask me when I broadcast how she’s doing. I get messages all the time telling me what a great mother I have, for supporting me through my hardships and trying the best she knew how to save me from the brink of a drug addiction that probably would have otherwise killed me. One day I’ll drag her on cam to say hello… but only when I’m fully clothed.
I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to repay her for all that she’s done for me, and words really aren’t enough, but when I look at her, I know that I am blessed.
My Nana Edythe (my mums’ mother) has been equally supportive. Not in the sense that she knows the full extent of what I do, but she has a vague enough idea. I’ve tried to explain it to her in the sense that I put on performances in front of my webcam and get paid to do so, and I think she’s smart enough to fill in the blanks. She tells me that as long as I’m happy and safe then it shouldn’t matter what anybody else thinks. For a woman of 85, I think that’s such a positive and admirable attitude to have. I know that despite some of the ill-fated choices I’ve made in my life that she loves me unconditionally, and that truly is the best kind of love of all.
My brother James still has me blocked on Facebook (even now I think it’s probably too soon to attempt to re-add him) and as I don’t see a lot of him it’s hard to know where he currently stands with it all, but I admit that I would like at least some kind of a relationship with him, even if it’s only the occasional catch-up. In truth, he’ll probably always harbour a bit of a grudge towards me for exposing my work life on television, but he is my only brother after all, and blood is thicker than water as they say. I do hope this will all blow over and that I’m given the chance to be an uncle to his child, it would mean the world to me.
Nana Sylvia, perhaps surprisingly, hasn’t ever taken it upon herself to block me on social media. I posted a selfie with my mum on Mothers Day of this year and she commented saying ‘Lovely picture’ – so I think that’s progress and there’s definitely room to mend that fractured relationship at least; although I don’t know that she’ll ever fully understand or accept my life choices. Honestly, it doesn’t particularly bother me that she thinks I’m a publicity whore – in fact she’s probably right on that count! But I don’t feel like I should be pressured into feeling ashamed of what I do, and I don’t consider myself a bad person because of it.
My cousin Amelie, who I haven’t seen in years, but have recently reconnected with over Facebook, has been very vocal about her support for me (having actually taken the time to watch the documentary from start to finish) in spite of some of the family’s reactions, and for that I’m very thankful. It’s nice to know she has my back!
I don’t honestly know where I stand with regards to the rest of my family at the moment. But I do believe that time is a great healer, and perhaps by the time this book comes out, things will have changed dramatically. I certainly hope so.
TWELVE – Onwards and Upwards
I could quite honestly drag this book out for an eternity, but like all things, it must come to an end, and I feel that with the recent celebration of my one year camming anniversary (or ‘Cammiversary’ as it’s known in the camming world) this seems like the perfect place to finish.
So much has happened this past year. Looking back on it all, it almost seems surreal, like some weird kind of dream. To tell you the truth I’m half expecting to wake up any minute, back in Nick’s dingy drug den, or somewhere equally revolting, but I’ve come such a long way since then – I’d be a fool to return to that kind of lifestyle.
I truly do feel blessed for all the wonderful opportunities that have come my way. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked my arse off (quite literally) for a lot of them – but it’s all been worthwhile.
Earlier this year, Cam4 honoured me with ‘VIP’ performer status, and a gold card to boot to prove it – and this month I’m the cover boy for gay magazine ‘Prowler’, along with a double page interview spread about my experiences camming, and taking part in the TV documentary. None of this would have ever been possible had I not had the courage to switch on my webcam and give camming a go – even if I did only earn $1.50 that initial night!
It’s proven to me that with dedication, drive, and determination, anything is possible.
But of all the positive things to have come out of camming, my relationship with Steve has to have been one of the greatest. I know that that man would travel to the ends of the world and back just to make me happy, and I’m so grateful to have him in my life. I spend most of my weekends at his, and it’s always hard to say goodbye come the end of it, but I really enjoy the time we spend together – he’s like no other man I’ve dated before and truly does have my best interests at heart!
I wish I could say that I’m now completely drug free, but I do see a case worker two to three times a week and am slowly but surely dealing with getting over my dependence on benzodiazepines. Accepting help has been a massive step for me, and though at times it has honestly felt like banging my head against a brick wall trying to get a referral, I now have a team beside me who are helping me work through my issues, and the ongoing support of Steve and my parents.
I don’t honestly know what the future holds for me, but even writing this book I feel has been a massive accomplishment, and I’m no longer afraid to take on new challenges, however daunting they may seem to be at first.
And as for anyone out there, who’s seriously considering camming as a job, I hope this book and my tips have been helpful in offering you some guidance.
You can find me on Twitter at Jmatt93cam if you ever need any further advice. I’m always happy to help.
Finally, from the bottom of my heart, I’d like to say a big MASSIVE thank you – to all my fans, friends and family, who have stuck by me throughout all my trials and tribulations, and without whom I don’t think I’d have found the strength to keep fighting.
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All my love