Now in our suite, Ann started to say something, but I asked her to please let me finish.
"Ann, I love you, I love you, I love you" I said repeating that phrase over and over again as I took pleasure in articulating that reality to which for so long I had been blind. "Ann, I want us to stay together for ever . I want to make you as happy and to respond to your needs as fully as you have taken care of me over the years. And I want everyone to know how special you are to me. And I want you to marry me."
And then I started to cry. I know I did so because an essential truth of my existence, my love for Ann, had finally broken through to my consciousness, and the resolution of that tension was the most overwhelming emotio nal experience I had ever had.
"Bob" Ann started to say, "I never thought I would ever hear that from you. I know that you love me and have loved me for a long time, but I never thought you'd tell me how you feel. But don't be so hard on yourself.
My life with you has been fulfilling. And I do love you, you know I worship you and pleasing you is pleasure for me too."
"Ann I know I am not complete unless I give as well as take. You have given and given and given, and I need to give to you, to take care of you in every way, emotionally, physically, in every way."
And then I was overcome. I could not speak. But I pulled Ann towards me and when we kissed, it was like we never had kissed before. The connection which I felt with her was that of a fusion of spirit, of personality.
And when I touched her and felt her and carressed her, it was as if I was discovering her body for the first time. And when I sensed her fragrance, new images and feelings were evoked. When I tasted Ann and sensed her respond to me it was as if we were connecting for the first time, and my mouth felt as it did the first time I tasted a french sauterne, only the delight was more intense. And when I entered Ann, and felt us join togethe r in love, I knew that I had lost the power to describe how I was feeling, because any descriptive efforts would only circumscribe and limit and not reflect the awesome nature of that transcendant experience.
Ann and I were married the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 1988. The ceremony was held in the living room of our New York apartment and one of my law school classmates had arranged for a local judge to officiate. Ann's mother and her husband (she had remarried after Ann's father had died) had flown in and Justine had also been able to join us. Justine was completing a residency in Pediatrics in Los Angeles and took advantage of the trip to the East to interview for a fellowship position at New York Hospital.
The celebration of our wedding was in some measure an opportunity for reflection. As I surveyed the fifty or so people who had joined us, I was, on many occasions reminded of extraordinary episodes in my life with Ann. From Justine to Ellen to Sharon to Gerry-all these people had provided special moments for us.
Ann and I had had many discussions after our return from our trip to Los Angeles concerning the new direction that our life would be taking. I had told her that I viewed our marriage as signifying my intention to make a permanent commitment to her and as our relation evolved, I wanted to be more giving to her. Ann seemed to appreciate that change on my part, but she allowed that as she knew me and my tastes and habits and that since she had enough of a sense of herself, she also knew that there would still be an "edge" to our relationship.
But there were two major new influences in our lives. One was the concept of my "giving" more to Ann. We sometimes referred to that as "sharing". The second issue which was now looming for us was the prospect of chil dren. Both Ann and I were near forty. For me that was less of a deadline than that it was for Ann. I knew that a child with Ann would totally disrupt the patterns of living we were following and for that reason I was n ot quite as certain that Ann becoming pregnant was a great idea. We both knew that we would have to face up to that issue soon.
After our wedding celebration, Ann and I did not take the traditional honeymoon. Ann had asked me if she could plan out a few special events for the ensuing months and, as Ann's "surprises" were always amazing and excit ing, I was quick to agree. The first of these special events was to be a New Year's eve party which we would host. Ann spent a lot of time over the next weeks dealing with florists, caterers and others while she was set ting things up. I was kept in the dark while I looked forward to what I knew would be a typical Ann surprise.
In the meantime, Ann was always alert to finding ways to inject excitement into everyday experience. Ann and I, for example, had converted one of the bedrooms in our apartment into a gym. Our equipment consisted of a t readmill, a stationary bike, a ski-tracking device and a rack of free weights. We worked out at least four times a week and on three mornings a week we were visited by a personal trainer who would work with both of us if we were available or whichever of us could make the appointment. Sometimes if I were not going to be there Ann would invite one or two of her friends over to join in the workout.
On one such Wednesday, Ann had asked two of her friends to join her as she anticipated that I would be attending a meeting at the time of the scheduled workout. In fact, my meeting was cancelled and we got a phone call that morning from the institute which provided the sports trainers advising that the trainer who we expected also could not make it that morning. Ann seemed to have a bright idea.
"Rather than if I call up Gloria and Susan and cancel things, why don't you join us? I've got an idea" Ann added.
I perked up as I sensed Ann's inventive mind working. "Two questions" I replied. "First what's your idea, and second, where has Gloria been? I haven't seen her around lately." The latter question was prompted by the fact that I had not seen Gloria, who lived with her husband in an apartment in our building two floors below ours, for quite a few weeks.
"You know, I hadn't heard from her at all recently. I called her a few times and my messages weren't answered. Then she called me yesterday and all she told me was that she had been away for a while and told me that she would bring me up to date after she had a chance to see me." Apparently Ann was a little puzzled.
Ann continued. "You know we have been talking about sharing recently. I think I'd like to show you off a bit."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Look, we'll have to play it by ear, but I think I'd like to have you lead us in our workout today and I want to make it a bit interesting for the girls."
"How should we do that?" I asked.
"Simple, you run the workout for us but what I want you to do is to wear your shorts without a jockstrap. You see the possibilities?"
What Ann was setting in motion was evident to me. I usually worked out in a t-shirt and a loose fitting pair of nylon shorts. I needed the jock to keep everything in place, but Ann plainly had other ideas. As I starte d to get a little pleasantly anxious about how things would work out, I wondered if this was how Ann felt as she prepared to go out with me in some revealing outfit.
As the girls were due to arrive in a half hour's time, I placed a call concerning one of my investments, then changed into my gym clothes, following Ann's direction and then went into the gym to run for about ten minutes so that I would be warmed up, loose and limber when the girls arrived.
I had just finished a brief warm up when Ann, Gloria and Susan joined me in the gym. Ann was wearing a rhubarb-colored, one-piece leotard over a tightly fitting bra and socks and sneakers. Susan, who is a brunette in her late twenties, had her hair pulled back in a pony tail. She was wearing a thong-style black spandex outfit, with black tights wh ich were just a little transparent. Gloria, who was in her late thirties, was very short, barely five feet tall and was wearing a white leotard.
"Girls" Ann anounced, "our trainer cancelled out on us today, so I asked Bob to give us a good workout today."