I found him in the kitchen, eating a piece of apple pie, with Luna circling his legs, asking for some.
He smiled when he saw me. “Hey. Are you okay? I confess I panicked a little when I got home a few minutes ago and didn’t see the truck.”
“What happened to Ryan?” I blurted, and his eyes widened. “He doesn’t go to bike shows anymore, and I just saw a cop escort him home, talking about curfew.”
“Shit,” he whispered, setting the plate on the countertop.
“No, don’t shit me. If you don’t tell me, I’ll find out some other way.”
He took a deep breath. “Listen, Jess, I’m not sure I’m the one who should be talking about this. It’s his problem; it’s his thing. If you want to know so badly, I think you should ask him.”
I sat down at one of the kitchen chairs. “I kinda did.”
“And?”
I tapped my fingers on the table. “He was pretty mean. He told me not to pretend I care.”
Jason sat beside me, the shine in his eyes hesitant. “Do you care?”
I averted my eyes, not sure about the answer. “I hate him. I hate what he did to me. But I’m not a bad person, and I don’t wish anyone to go through what I did, or rot in hell, or whatever. Not even him.”
My brother patted my hand. “I’m sure he wishes you well too.”
I didn’t doubt him. After all, he was Ryan’s best friend, and I knew they told each other everything. But that wasn’t the real question. “Why? Why would he wish me well now? He certainly didn’t four years ago.”
“Almost four years ago,” Jason corrected me. “I can’t answer that either, Jess. I still think that, if you want answers, you gotta go straight to the source.”
He stood, and I stepped in his way before he could leave the kitchen.
“Hey, you’re my brother. You’re supposed to help me, to defend me. Something you didn’t do four years ago!”
The hurt that took over his expression tugged at my heart. Damn, if only I could take my words back.
He reached up and cupped my cheek. “Jess, we can’t change the past, and I’m sorry for that. You know I’m truly sorry. I’m not telling you his shit because it’s my way of helping you, defending you. Forget about it. But if you can’t, go ask him.”
“I can’t … I can’t just walk up to him and ask him whatever this is. He pushed me away, remember? I was—am—nothing to him. Why would he want me to tell me anything?”
“See, you know nothing about nothing. And that’s why I think you should go talk to him. You two need to put the past in the past. I think you’ll only be able to do it after talking and resolving your problems. Together.”
I gaped at him. “You’re crazy.” I was nothing to Ryan. Why would he need me to put his past behind him? What had he done? Slept with a demon? I couldn’t help him with that. I couldn’t help him with anything. “He probably didn’t spend one second thinking about me after I left.”
A sad smile took over my brother’s lips. “You’re so, so wrong, sis. And that’s all I’m gonna say. You want to know more, go talk to him.” He kissed my forehead. “Goodnight.”
He left the kitchen, and I sank down in the chair, tired, as if I had fought a battle.
Chapter Ten
Jessica
Besides my curiosity, I didn’t give in and didn’t look for Ryan. The weakness I had shown at the square, by trying to talk to him, had been just that. A momentary weakness. And it would never happen again.
Though bumping into him at the hospital on a Tuesday afternoon caught me by surprise.
I literally bumped into him when I stepped out of Papa’s room.
He held my elbows, so I wouldn’t fall.
“Sorry,” he whispered, his hazel eyes fixed on mine.
I stepped back, leaving his grip. “It’s okay.”
He glanced at the door, and a knot appeared between his brows. “How is your father?”
“The same.”
Jason left Papa’s room two seconds later. “Hey, man, what are you doing here?”
They clasped hands in that brotherly manner guys always did.
Ryan pointed his chin to the end of the hallway. “Brought a guy who cut his leg down at the site.” He glanced at his watch. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”
“Yeah, but we gotta a call saying Dad was conscious. I left class, Mom left a pan on the stove, Jess left work, but we didn’t get here in time. He’s sleeping, as usual.”
Ryan pointed to the elevator. “I should go back to …” He peeked at me again and didn’t finish his sentence.
“Yeah, yeah.” Jason bumped his fist on Ryan’s. “I’ll call you later.”
Ryan nodded and, sparing me only a half-second glance, hurried away.
When Ryan disappeared inside the elevator, Jason turned to me. “You didn’t talk to him yet.”
“I don’t want to talk to him.” It was a lie I wasn’t willing to admit to myself, but I knew it was a lie anyway. “I have nothing to talk to him about. Besides, did you see the way he ignored me? I told you I was nothing to him.”
Jason shook his head. “You two still act like teenagers.” He looked through the small door window and sighed. “These summer classes are killing me, but I need to go back. Can you please make sure Mom doesn’t spend all afternoon here, watching him sleep?”
I nodded and received a kiss on the forehead.
I watched as my brother walked down the hall and took the stairs out. I couldn’t help but glance at the elevator again, and berated myself when I caught my mind wishing for the doors to open and Ryan to walk out of it.
The more I tried to avoid him, or thinking about him, the worse it was. Soon, I would be longing for him, even knowing and still feeling all the pain he had caused me.
Jesus, I hated admitting it, but I was so not over him.
***
Ryan
I cut the engine of my car and looked out the window at my parents’ house. If I could, I would have ignored my mother’s invitation to dine with them. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.
Bumping into Jessica at the hospital had already set my day off. I hoped the dinner wouldn’t make it worse.
I entered the house with my keys and found my father lounging before the TV, a beer in his hand, and my brother in the dining room, his cell phone pressed to his ear. I didn’t bother saying hello to them, and walked in, down the hall, and into the kitchen where my mother was chopping vegetables and my sister was doing her homework at the kitchen’s island.
“Hi, Ryan!” Brianna said, her tone cheery. She was growing up too fast and becoming a beautiful young woman. She was sixteen, the same age Jessica had been when the mess started.
“Hey, B.” I planted a quick kiss on her cheek. “How’s school?”
She rolled her eyes. “Boring.”
I smiled, and then looked at my mother. “Hi, Mom.”
“How are you, dear?” she asked, setting the knife down.
“Okay,” I said, averting my eyes.
I looked at my sister again. It was hard to look at her and not think of all the things that happened with Jessica. If a punk got close to my sister and did all the shit I had done, that punk would be dead before he could blink. I was sure Jason had wanted to kill me, but didn’t because of all the rest that happened afterward.
I sighed and grabbed a Coke from the fridge.
My mother grabbed a pot from under the counter. “Bri, why don’t you go set the table?”
Brianna made a face, but stood and left for the dining room.
“Now are you going to tell me how you really are?” my mother asked.
I leaned against the fridge and sipped my Coke. “I’m okay, Mom, really. As okay as I can be.”
“I don’t like when you talk like that.”
“Like what? The truth? My life is a mess and everyone knows it.”