I chose to ignore her comment and continued, “For a month, we flirted. And the flirting escalated quickly. One day, he asked me to meet him at the Main Square late at night. Though I was scared of sneaking out and walking around town at that time, I couldn’t resist. I went to the square. He was there, waiting for me, and I swear, he looked so happy to see me. His eyes fixed on mine, and he told me I was beautiful. That was when I knew I was gone and there was no going back. He kissed me and I melted.”
When his lips first touched mine, I felt something. It wasn’t only attraction and lust. It was something else, too strong, too deep. It was as if we connected. Like we belonged together, but that was me being naive.
“So far, I’m liking this story.”
“Shut up.”
“What? Bad boy falls for good girl. Who doesn’t like that kind of story?”
“Me, because they aren’t true. It never ends well.” I added some trees to my drawing. “The next day, Jason found out we had kissed and punched Ryan, warning him to stay away from me. I swear I thought he would listen to my brother, but he didn’t. That night, he sneaked into my bedroom through the window, and every night after that.”
“You had sex with him, then?”
“Not right away. Actually, he slept in my bed for almost a month before I actually surrendered. He was my first.” I sighed. “I don’t know. I thought we had a connection, something strong between us. He had spent an entire month sleeping in my bed, which meant he wasn’t sleeping around, didn’t it? I saw him constantly during the day too, so it wasn’t like he had the time. But I guess, he could have. We weren’t together all the time.”
“What happened then?”
“A little over a year before, Ryan, Jason, my cousin, Luke, and their friend, Ethan, started fishing. Every three or four months, they set up these fishing trips where they were gone for the entire weekend. It was odd at first. I mean, who knew guys who were so into motorcycles were also so into fishing? All of a sudden?” I sighed. “I should have known.”
“What?”
“I … slept with Ryan on a Thursday. He held me tight after our first time—my first time—and said that maybe he shouldn’t go on the fishing trip he and the guys had scheduled for the next day. I was content he wanted to stay with me rather than spend three days with the guys, but I didn’t want to be the girl who holds the guy back and he stops hanging with his friends. I didn’t want him to resent me in the future. So I insisted he should go to the trip, that I would be here when he came back Sunday night.”
“And?”
“On Friday, he left for the fishing trip with Luke and Ethan. Jason ended up with a cold and didn’t go. My brother seemed pretty upset about it.” Concession stands took shape in my drawing. “Instead of coming to see me as he had promised, Ryan called me on Sunday night after he was back from the trip. He told me he had a migraine and probably should stay at his house that night. I didn’t think anything of it, just that he was tired and had a migraine and should rest. I missed him, but hopefully, I would see him the next night.” I sighed. “Monday morning, I left my house early, but two blocks from school, Caryn stepped in front of me.”
“Caryn?”
“She’s … I don’t know another word for her, a slut.” I winced, not really liking to label people. “Caryn always slept around, like Ryan did. She wore clothes that would put the Hooters waitresses to shame. She still does.”
“Wait. Have you seen her?”
“Yup. I’ll get to that.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Anyway, despite her sleeping-around record, Caryn had a thing for Ryan. I had seen her drooling over him a couple of times before, and it didn’t seem like a I-just-want-to-fuck-you thing.”
“What did she do?”
“She gave me a photo album. I didn’t want to take it, but she shoved it in my arms and left.” I stopped drawing for a second. “The photo album had pictures of Ryan, Luke, and Ethan seated around a bonfire. Tents were behind them. They held beer bottles. And several girls, wearing only bikinis, were sprawled over them.”
“Oh shit.”
“The pictures changed location. The edge of a lake, beside a tree, the bed of a truck, in a canoe, but they were always there. The guys and the girls. The last one, though, the last one killed me. It was Caryn, lying on what looked like a mattress inside a tent. And Ryan was beside her.”
“Oh shit,” Kristin said again. “That must have been terrible.”
I nodded to my empty room. I remembered it as if it were yesterday. I had dropped the album as if it had burned me. I couldn’t believe what Ryan had done to me, and I couldn’t believe I had fallen for him. I knew him. I knew he wasn’t a one-girl-only kind of guy. I knew he would never be a one-girl-only kind of guy. But he had flirted openly, earning a few joking punches from my brother. He had chased me; he had insisted and persisted for over a month. That was probably a record for him. Then after we kissed, he spent all his free time with me. I was sure he was falling for me too. Slowly, but he was. Or so I thought.
“I didn’t go to school that day, and I didn’t go home. I walked around town, avoiding places where I knew friends or family could be. I kept my mind blank, because if I thought about it, if I allowed myself to feel it, I would break down. And I didn’t want to break down.”
“I’m so sorry, Jess. I know how much it hurts to have your heart broken,” Kristin said, her tone forlorn. “After that, you left home and came to Cleveland? How did your parents allow that?”
“The story isn’t done.”
“No?”
“Nope.” I inhaled deeply, gathering strength to continue. “I went home after school hours, otherwise my mama would send the cavalry after me. I stayed buried in my bedroom until Mama knocked on my door, asking me to hurry or we would be late for the fair. I had totally forgotten about the fair in the square. She had a pie and cake stand, and I had promised I would help her with it. Instead of wallowing in my own shit, I put on a brave face and focused on the fair.” It was better than letting the panic and rage and despair take over. “Everyone in town loved her pies and cakes, so Mama had a big stand. Aunt Cadence and Lindsey had already set up by the time we got there, and the square was filling up fast. For the first half hour, we were so busy, I barely thought of Ryan and Caryn. Until Ryan appeared in front of the stand.”
“Oh crap.”
Crap indeed. “He wanted to talk, to explain. I tried getting away from him, and ended up bumping into Jason and Luke.” And I had almost punched both of them. Jason might not have been on that last fishing trip, but he knew about it. They all knew about it. “Jason and Luke noticed I was trying to get away from Ryan and wanted to know what was going on. Our little group started gathering attention from the people at the fair. Ryan started to say something like ‘after all we did, after having slept with me, you’re just gonna shut me out,’ when Papa stepped between us.” I almost went on, but I remembered Kristin didn’t know Papa.
“You see, Papa is very conservative, authoritarian, and old school. If it depended on him, I would always wear pants and baggy shirts, I wouldn’t go out until I was twenty-one, and I would marry a virgin, preferably after I was thirty-five. He also tried to control Jason, but was much less successful. To him, Jason was going through a rebellious phase. Papa hated Jason’s fascination for motorcycles, and he hated Ryan and Ethan. He thought they were bad influences.” I dropped the sketchpad in my lap. “Papa flipped out when he heard I had slept with one of those bad influences. He advanced on Ryan, but Jason and Luke stopped him, then he advanced on me. We argued in front of everyone at the fair. The anger I had been feeling toward Ryan, Jason, Luke, Caryn, and now Papa exploded, and I yelled at him, telling him he couldn’t control me. I told him that I could sleep with whomever I wanted. It was none of his business. Then he slapped me. Hard. I fell on the pavement, hitting my shoulder.”
“Oh my God.”
“The next few moments were a blur. Papa called me a slut. Ryan yelled at him, trying to disentangle himself from Jason and Luke, who were holding him back. Mama cried, and a huge crowd had gathered around us, gawking and whispering. Papa was about to grab me or hit me again when I woke up from my stupor. I crawled back, stood, and ran. I ran like never before.”