Mama beamed. “He is?”
I froze. He was? Oh damn.
She hurried her steps to Papa’s door, but she didn’t open it right away. She turned to me and rested a hand on my arm. “He’s crankier than before, and moody. Please, just … be patient with him. Are you ready?”
I nodded, but I wasn’t ready. I had no idea what to expect.
Mama pushed the door open, and I sucked in a sharp breath. Papa was lying in the same bed I had seen him in before, in the same room, but now he was awake, looking out the window. His face was pale and his brown eyes a little dull.
A pang ran through my heart.
Mama rushed to him. “Darling,” she whispered, taking his hand.
He turned his face to her and a small smile took over his thin lips. “Hi, Cor.”
She kissed his cheek. “I’m glad you’re awake. There’s someone here to see you.”
She stepped to the side and gestured to me. Papa’s smile faded, his dull eyes hardened, and his frail body stiffened.
I took a step toward his bed. “Hi, Papa.”
“What are you doing here?” he asked, his tone harsh, his voice weak.
“She came to see you, darling,” Mama said, playing referee. “Jess came all the day from Cleveland to see you.”
He spread his arms. “You saw me.”
A mix of feelings stirred within me and tears filled my eyes. His fragile state mixed with his words and body language hurt too much. I wanted to bolt, slam the door, and never come back. But one look at Mama, at her desperate, begging eyes, and I knew I had to try. For her, I would try.
“We should talk.”
Papa turned his face to the window and stared outside. “What is done is done. There’s nothing to talk about.”
I took a deep, calming breath. “It has been four years, Papa. Four years. That’s a long time. I’m different now. More mature, more responsible. If you give me the chance, you’ll see I’m okay and what happened is forgotten and in the past.”
He glanced at me. “Can you take your virtue back?”
Virtue? Who talked like that? Papa, that was who.
I sighed. “You know I can’t.”
He returned his gaze to the window. “Then there’s nothing to talk about.”
That was it. The calm I was trying to keep around my anger and frustration burst like a damn. “Seriously? You’re sick and I came all the way from Cleveland to somehow make peace with you, and you won’t give me five minutes of your time to properly talk to me?”
Papa closed his eyes.
“Darling,” Mama started, her voice quivering. “She’s trying. You should try to.”
He snapped his head in her direction, his anger now turned to her. “You’re going to defend her after all she did?”
All I did?
Hearing him, someone would think I had robbed a bank or killed a person. But all I had done was fall in love and give my heart to the guy I thought would take care of it. The fact that said guy couldn’t was another matter.
“Paul …”
“It’s okay, Mama.” I retreated to the door. “I should go.”
“No, hon.” Mama extended her hand as if I was close enough so she could hold me. “Don’t go.”
I opened the door. “I’ll see at home.” I stepped out and closed the door as Mama’s voice filled the room.
A tear rolled down my cheek, and I wiped it away furiously. I wouldn’t cry for him, because of him.
I took a deep breath and walked out of the hospital, feeling as if things had just gotten worse.
After a thirty-minute walk, I arrived home and sat at the back porch table with a bottle of honey and a plate of crackers. Luna sat on a chair beside me, and she whined every time I took a bite. I threw her some pieces of the crackers and a drop of honey.
When the crackers were gone, I opened the bottle of honey and poured it directly on my tongue. I only wished the sweetness of the honey could spread through me, through my life.
Mama had stayed at the hospital with Papa, and Jason hadn’t come back from wherever he went. At least he didn’t witness the argument.
I sighed. Seriously, why had I come? I didn’t want his forgiveness. I hadn’t done anything wrong, not really. I had fallen in love and had my heart broken. It was a normal thing for a sixteen-year-old, though I confess it hurt like hell and I didn’t wish it on anyone.
But to Papa, I should have lost my virginity only after my wedding, which would be when I was thirty-five. Or, at least after dating the same guy for five years.
By sleeping with Ryan when I was sixteen, I had shamed him. I had disgraced the family name. I was now impure and unworthy. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness. Not that I wanted it. I didn’t think I needed his forgiveness, but he was dying. Would he go and we wouldn’t set things right? Or half right?
I knew this would be hard. He would never understand; he would never see this through my eyes. So then, why was I here?
A black Mustang parked on the street beside our fence.
My heart skipped a beat, and then sped up when Ryan stepped out of the car. He opened the side door on the fence and entered the backyard.
Lune jumped off the chair and barked at him twice.
“Shhh,” I told her.
Ryan looked too handsome walking across the grass in a dark red T-shirt, jeans, and black boots. His face was solemn, but that didn’t lessen his beauty. In fact, maybe it even intensified it.
His eyes met mine and my throat went dry. He climbed up the few back porch steps and leaned against the rail beside the table.
“Hi,” he said as Luna sniffed his boots.
“Hey,” was all I could muster.
He glanced at the half-empty honey bottle and the empty plate on the table. “I see you still like honey.”
I gripped the arms of my chairs. “W-what are you doing here?”
Ryan crossed his arms. “We should talk.”
***
Ryan
I hadn’t seen Jessica this nervous in a long time. Not since she came back, that was for sure. The fact that she had downed half a bottle of honey was proof how much she was nervous, irritated, worried, or angry.
Well, I deserved all of those feelings. And more.
The problem was, I was a little nervous too. I didn’t like telling anyone about what happened, though most people in town knew about it. If it depended on me, Jessica would never know. She already hated me for that damn fishing trip; now she would hate me even more.
However, after the shit my father said to her last night, I couldn’t just not tell her. She had a right to know she wasn’t a disgrace to me. No. I was a disgrace to her.
“Are you going to tell me what happened after I left?”
I groaned. “I don’t really want to, but yes, I’ll tell you.”
She let out a long breath. “Okay.”
And that was it. The ball was in my court. How did I start telling her all the shit?
“I should probably begin with what happened between us.”
She shifted her weight as Luna settled at her feet. “I’m not sure that’s necessary.”
“It is.” I inhaled a deep breath, gathering strength. I glanced at her bedroom window. I must have scaled that wall at least ten times when we were together. “After you left, I lost it. You had left and I didn’t explain. I tried reaching you after you left, but your phone was gone and nobody knew your new number. Jason got your grandma’s phone number for me, and I called a few times. Your grandmother hung up on me.”
“What?”
“I guess she was also mad at me. Anyway, I guess I lost it. I began drinking, because it was better than remember the hurt in your eyes, and your father beating you up in the square.” She flinched. “I was fired from my job because I simply stopped going. My parents went crazy because I was never home, and whenever they found me, I was passed out on some curb. Jason, Luke, and Ethan tried helping me, but I didn’t really want help. That’s when Ethan’s uncle came to me, saying he had arranged a spot for me in a professional bike race. He believed I could make it big, if I sobered up and showed up on time. I was trying to, but the night before the race, Caryn showed up at my door, and I almost hit her. I pushed her so hard, she fell on the sidewalk and scraped both elbows. I was so angry and frustrated that I went to bed with a bottle of Jack.