“The next morning, I showed up for the race drunk. Ethan’s uncle gave me a shower, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t want me to drive drunk, but I sneaked past him and I went. I raced drunk.” I paused. This part was never easy. “I ended up causing an accident with three other racers. Two of them suffered minor injuries. I did too.” I pointed to the scars on my neck. The others on my back, she would never see. “But the other one, he got the brunt of it. My bike fell on him, smashing his back.” She pressed her hand over her mouth. “He ended up a paraplegic, and I ended up in a correctional facility.”
“No,” she whispered. “For how long?”
“Two years, eleven months, and twenty-seven days.”
I decided to skip the part where I got in trouble my first two months in jail because of my temper. I had to go back in front of the judge, and he ruled that I was to attend anger management classes. After a few of those classes, the councilor said Jessica was one of my triggers. He made me promise to stay away from her.
“I got out on parole. I can’t go more than forty miles out of town, I shouldn’t drink, I can’t ride my bike, and I have curfews on weekdays. Officer Mike follows me around everywhere, because he would love to see me fail. But I have only four more months or so, and then I’m free.”
“Why would he love to see you fail?”
I cringed. “I was a jerk to his sister.” She winced, certainly knowing what being a jerk really meant. “It was before we were toge—”
“You don’t have to explain.” She shifted her weight in her chair, making Luna stand and walk away. “And Habitat for Humanity?”
“Judge’s orders. I can quit that once my parole ends too.”
“That’s … wow. A lot to take in.” She fiddled with the hem of her tank top, but her blue eyes never left mine. “I’m sorry.”
I nodded. “Me too.” I pushed away from the rail. “Well, now you know. And please, ignore my father. He has become hard to deal with since everything went down. You know, he was never a fan of my choices, but since you left and the accident, he practically hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you.”
“Oh, he does.”
“I don’t think that’s true. I think he’s just worried about you. He wants you to finish your parole and be free. He must be worried I’m here since I caused everything.”
I stilled. “Jess, you didn’t cause anything. Yes, I was depressed, but I let myself go down that road. I did this to me. You understand that, right?” She didn’t say anything. “Right?”
She nodded, but I could see it in her eyes that she didn’t believe me. Shit.
“I’m really sorry,” she whispered. In slow motion, she stood and walked inside her house, closing the back door with a low click.
I stared at the door while Luna whined at my side, wanting to go in. “Sorry, girl. Can’t help you now.”
With one last glance at the door, I descended the stairs and crossed the yard.
I felt a little lighter for having told her the truth, but something else filled my chest. No, I can’t feel like that. Not now.
As if I had ever taken my own advice.
***
Jessica
I heard his car taking off from my bedroom window. The urge to peek was overwhelming, but I kept on taking my clothes from my closet and putting them in my bags.
A half plan formed in my mind—pack, check the internet to see if there was a train or a plane that went toward Cleveland soon, and leave. Hopefully, before Mama or Jason came home.
I closed the first suitcase and sat on my bed, a heavy ball dropping in my chest, making it hard to breathe.
Oh my God. Ryan had gone to jail because of me, he was on parole because of me, and his father hated me and took it out on him. Look at all the shit I had caused.
Not to mention my father. He wouldn’t forgive me; he said so himself.
Then why was I here? I had been asking myself this question since I first got here, but I never did anything about it. Well, now I was. Now I would do something about it.
I swallowed the tears and focused on my clothes.
The front door opened and closed.
“Shit,” I whispered. I rushed and closed my bedroom door, hoping whoever was here would think I was already asleep, even though it was still early.
Frozen in place, I waited and listened.
Heavy footsteps climbed the steps. Jason.
“Mama?” he called. “Jess?” He stopped by my door and waited, as if trying to listen for something. Slowly, he opened the door and spied inside. He smiled when he saw me standing beside the bed. “Hey, I thought you were sleeping.” Then his gaze shifted to the suitcases on my bed. With a big frown, he stepped into the room. “What—? Where are you going?”
Tears filled my eyes. “I’m going home.”
“Here’s home.”
I shook my head. “No, Jason, it isn’t. It hasn’t been since I left.”
“But … what changed your mind?”
A tear rolled down my cheek. “I shouldn’t have come in the first place.”
“Papa is dying. Of course you should be here.”
“I talked to him today. He doesn’t want me here. He’ll never forgive me.”
“I think the main question is, do you forgive him? Because to me, he’s the one that treated you badly.”
I gasped, looking at my brother as if I had never seen him. “So … you’re on my side?”
He smiled. “I was always on your side, sis. However, I do think you need to pretend to let him forgive you. You know, with the situation the way it is, I think he needs that before …” He dies. Yeah, I knew that. “Well, that was one try. You didn’t really think he would let his walls down that easily?”
“Well, he is dying, isn’t he?” I winced with the force of my words. Two seconds ago, Jason had avoided saying it, and here I was, throwing the words as if they meant nothing. I sighed. “If I were him, I would try to make peace with everything and everyone.”
My brother shook his head. “Papa isn’t like that. It won’t be easy to break him.”
Anger flared in me. “If he’s such a pain in the ass, why bother?”
“Because he’s your father!” He took a step toward me. “Come on, Jess. You were always strong. You never let Papa take you down this easy.”
“It wasn’t just Papa,” I said in a low voice. “It was Ryan too. He came over.”
“Oh. So he told you.”
“Yup. He did. Because of me, he got into an accident, he injured someone, he went to jail and has to attend anger management classes, and now he’s on parole. Oh, let’s not forget about his father and how he hates me now.”
He crossed the room and grabbed my shoulders. “No, Jess. It wasn’t your fault.”
I jerked away from him. “He said that too, but come on. How isn’t it my fault?”
“It isn’t!” Jason threw up his hand. “He was a big boy. He drank because he chose to; he went to that race because he chose to. It was his fault. He could have mourned you another way, but his choice, his alone, was the wrong one.”
“It doesn’t change anything. I shouldn’t have come and I’m gonna fix it.” I turned to my bag, but he pulled me back. “Let me go.”
“So that’s it. You’re just gonna run away. Like a coward. Again?”
His words hit hard and I inhaled a sharp breath. “Ouch.”
“Sorry,” he whispered before leaving my room.
I sank down on my bed.
He didn’t say he didn’t mean it though, and it was because he did mean it. And the truth was, he was right. It killed me to admit it, it choked me to think about it, but he was right. I was acting like a coward.
Chapter Seventeen