Obviously, my feelings for her were still too strong, but I couldn’t go down that road again. It hurt too much. And, one way or another, I would end up hurting her. Because that was all I did. I messed up and hurt everyone who cared about me.
Grunting, I turned to the fridge, and instead of getting another Coke, I found a beer.
Chapter Nineteen
Jessica
Mama spent Sunday at the hospital. She called me two or three times to tell me Papa was awake. I had to give her some credit for trying.
The guilt in me only increased. In four weeks, I would be gone and I wasn’t making any progress with Papa. I wasn’t even trying.
At least I was making some progress. Not with Papa, but with someone I had cared about deeply. Spending time with Ryan wasn’t exactly how I had imagined my stay here, but I was glad he was opening up to me. If only I could take his guilt and throw it to the wind, to be scattered in the air and never again found.
Ryan almost ruined the closure we were building by trying to kiss me yesterday. After that, he acted strange and stayed in a corner with the guys. He didn’t even utter another word to me all night. I hoped nothing had changed. I needed to know nothing had changed.
Late afternoon, Luke and Ethan came over to the house and quickly convinced Jason to go for a ride.
“Wait,” I said as they were leaving through the front door. “Any of you have a spare bike? A working spare bike?”
“I do,” Luke said. “Why?”
“Do you mind if I take it out for a ride?”
Luke glanced at Jason, who shrugged. “If you think you can handle it.”
“I may not have ridden in a few years, but I think I can handle it.”
“Come on, then.” Luke beckoned me to follow him. “I’ll take you to my house and give you the keys.”
Luke had a second-hand dirt bike. It looked old and dirty.
“This is it?” I asked.
“It’s what I have. Take it or leave it?”
“I’ll take it.”
He handed me the keys. “Want me to take you for a spin to make sure you still know how to ride it?”
I chuckled. “I’ll be fine.”
He raised an eyebrow. “All right. Just … if you break it, you pay for it.”
I saluted him like a soldier. “Yes, sir.”
Laughing, he mounted his other, newer bike and left with my brother and Ethan.
“Okay,” I whispered to myself. “Let’s do this.”
I hopped on the bike and turned the key. The engine sputtered and came to life. I wondered if it would take me as far as the corner. Just one way to find out.
I accelerated and the bike jerked to life. The weight of the bike surprised me—I wasn’t used to it anymore—and it tilted left, almost taking me down with it. After three more tries, I got the hang of it and finally rode out to the street.
Sanity wasn’t my best friend right now.
I drove to Ryan’s building. His car was outside, but the garage was closed. Gathering courage, I parked the bike and climbed the flight of stairs to his apartment. Cursing myself for being this stupid, I knocked on the door.
A full minute went by, so I knocked again, a little harder.
Another minute went by. That was it. I wasn’t knocking again.
I turned to leave when the door opened.
“Jess?” Ryan said.
I whirled back to him and my breath caught.
Ryan stood under the doorframe, wearing only a dark red towel around his waist. His wet hair framed the sharp angles of his gorgeous face. Droplets of water glistened on his golden skin, rolling down his naked, taut chest, and abdomen.
Oh. My. God. The man had gotten a lot more ripped than I first thought.
I forced my eyes to his and I was sure he caught me checking him out. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“I was in the shower, sorry,” he said.
“Oh,” was all I said. So lame.
“Come in.” He opened the door wide and stepped back. “I’ll … I’ll get dressed. Be right back.”
He walked across the living room and disappeared behind another door.
I stepped inside and looked around. The rooms were close together and had no walls separating them. Sofa, TV stand, TV and video games to one side, kitchen with a high counter and a small table with two chairs on another, and in the back, a bed, a nightstand, a dresser, a clothes rack, and the door Ryan had gone through, which I was assuming was the bathroom.
I stood between the living room and the kitchen, waiting while he got dressed and desperately trying not to imagine as that towel fell on the floor and …
Snap out of it, Jessica.
I couldn’t … I wouldn’t fall into this again.
After a couple of minutes, Ryan exited the bathroom, and I wouldn’t confess this out loud, but I was kind of disappointed he wasn’t bare chested anymore. However, the fitted green T-shirt and jeans looked good on him.
He took three steps forward me and halted. “Sorry again. I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
“That’s okay.” I noticed he was wearing a nice T-shirt and jeans. At this time of the evening, if I were going to be home alone, I would have put on a ragged shirt and yoga pants, or even pajamas. “Am I interrupting something? I mean, are you leaving? Do you have plans? Should I leave?”
He smiled. “Jess. No, I don’t have plans and I’m not going anywhere.”
This time, I smiled. “Well, since you don’t have plans, I was hoping to take you somewhere.”
“What? Where?”
“Just … put some shoes on and come with me,” I said. He narrowed his eyes at me, as if doubting my insanity. That just made my smile wider. “Come on. Trust me.”
Shaking his head, he retreated to his bedroom, from where he caught black boots from under the bed.
After putting them on and grabbing his wallet from the nightstand, he stood. “So, where to?”
***
Ryan
“Luke’s dirt bike. Really?”
She watched me with wary eyes. “Yup.”
I put my hand inside my pockets. “Jess, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“I’ll be driving. You just have to sit there and enjoy the ride.”
“Are you sure you can still drive?”
“I drove from Luke’s house to here, didn’t I?”
“That might have been luck.”
She chuckled. “Come on, Ryan.” She lost the smile and took my hand. “I know you miss it, and I want to do this for you. Trust me.”
A huge part of me didn’t want to do this. I hadn’t ridden a bike in almost four years, and I sure didn’t think starting now would be wise. But a small, strong part of me was dying to hop on the bike and go with Jess wherever she wanted to take me.
Knowing this wasn’t entirely a good idea, I nodded and sat behind her.
The engine roared to life, a little less ferocious than I remembered, and Jess drove into the street like a pro.
Okay. Another benefit of riding a bike with Jess: feeling her body close to mine. I had forgotten how great this felt. My thighs pressed against hers, and even though I didn’t really need to, I rested my hands on her waist, and glued my chest to her back.
I pushed her hair to the side so it didn’t whip in my face and inhaled deeply. Her perfume had changed. I remembered it smelled like wild roses, and now it was honeysuckle. I would miss the wild roses, but honeysuckle went well with her. Besides, it wasn’t only the perfume. The mix of her and the perfume was what made her scent perfect.
I closed my eyes and let the wind, the sun, and her scent envelope me.
I didn’t pay attention to where Jess was taking us, and after thirty minutes riding along back roads, I didn’t think she knew where she was going either. Still, this right here was perfect. A bike, a road, Jess, and me. Too perfect to be true.