She pushed the plate away. “I can’t. Nothing goes down. When I try to force it, it makes me sick.”
“Then the tea.”
She turned her face and finally looked at me. Her eyes were red as if she had been crying again. “What’s with the Care 101?”
My turn to shrug. “That’s just it. I care. That simple.” I picked up the teacup and offered it to her.
She wrinkled her nose, but lowered her legs and took the cup from me. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” I watched as she blew on the cup before taking a sip. Then she took one more. And another. I hoped that she would reach for the cookies soon. “How are you? I mean, I know the question is rather stupid, but seriously, how are you?”
She stared at the cup. “I’m … relieved that Papa and I were able to talk and come to an understanding before he died.” She lifted her eyes to mine. “I guess I have you to thank for that. He told me you visited him and talked to him. So … thank you.”
“He had to know how wonderful his daughter had become. It was the least I could do.”
Her pale cheeks gained a faint red tint. “Thanks.”
“Besides, you helped me out. I helped you out. That’s what we do for the people we love, right? Help out even when they don’t ask for it.”
Her eyes widened and her mouth hung open. “Ryan …”
“Because that’s why I did it, Jess. I talked to your father because I love you.” Shaking her head, she set the cup on her nightstand. “You can deny it all you want, but I know you feel the same. I saw it in your eyes. I felt it when we made love last weekend.” She stood, still shaking her head. “Why did you leave, Jess? Why weren’t you there in the morning when I woke up?”
“Because that was our perfect closure, Ryan. It was the perfect ending. Now we both can move on without being haunted by the past.”
I stood. “The perfect ending? We have one night of amazing sex, and love—because I know there was love involved—and you want it to end?”
“It has to,” she whispered.
I stilled. “Is it because of that guy? The one that was here last Saturday? Is he your boyfriend?”
“No, no. Gavin is … he was just a guy I used to hook up with.” I flinched, not happy to hear about her and other guys. “He’s nice, but too clingy. What we had was never serious, but he wanted it to be. He came down here to, as he said, prove to me that he cared and that I should give him a chance.”
“And? Are you giving him another chance?”
“No. I sent him away after you left.”
I walked around the bed and stood in front of her. “Then why, Jess? Why does our story have to end?”
“The most obvious reason? I live too far away. I can’t even consider a long-distance relationship.”
“So, you’re still leaving.”
“Yes. My classes started next week. I’m leaving this weekend.”
Ouch, that hurt more than I wanted to admit. “I don’t want to be that guy and ask you to stay—”
“Then don’t.”
“—but I have to. I love you too much to let you leave this time.”
“Ryan, please, don’t.”
“I swore to myself that if we could go back in time, I would never have let you go. I would have taken the next train or plane to Cleveland, showed up at your door, and explained everything to you, so you would forgive me and come home with me.” I took a step toward her. “I can’t let you leave, Jess.”
She retreated. “It’s not your choice.”
“But you love me. I know you do.”
“Love isn’t enough. I … I don’t know if I can trust you again, Ryan. You broke my heart. I can’t risk having you doing it again.”
“But you know now that I never cheated on you.”
“You let me believe you had cheated on me. For four years, I lived with that pain. I can’t erase it with a snap of my fingers. It’s not that simple.”
“Then let me prove it to you. Let me show you that you can trust me.”
“It’s too late, Ryan. My life isn’t here anymore. My home isn’t here. I’m leaving.”
I saw it in her eyes. The resolution along with the wall she had raised around her heart. A wall against me.
Defeated, I exhaled. “Is there anything I can say or do to change your mind?”
She shook her head. “No, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t try.”
I was drowning in pain, the same pain I felt the first time she left. Somehow, I had forgotten how to swim.
I dragged my feet to the door and paused there. “I’m sorry, Jess.”
“Me too,” she whispered.
Leaving my heart with her, I walked out of her bedroom.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jessica
Kristin bumped her shoulder on mine. Distracted, I stumbled two steps to the side.
“What?” I asked.
She raised an eyebrow. “Did you hear anything that I said?”
“Hmm.” I looked down at the ground, avoiding her judging gaze.
“Since you came back, you’ve been like that.” She gestured to me.
“Like what?”
“Like you’re only half here. Or even less.” Her eyes softened. “When will you talk about what happened down there?”
I shrugged. I didn’t want to think about what I left behind in Lexington, much less talk about it.
Classes had started three weeks ago, and I had immersed myself in my studies. I loved architecture. There was nothing else I would rather do, and it was so much easier to drown myself in it than to face whatever lurked in the back of my mind.
An internship would also be a good distraction. That was why I spent a lot of my time on my resume and looking at local newspapers and job-related websites.
“Nothing happened,” I lied. I planned on telling her about everything; I just couldn’t yet. It was too fresh, too painful.
The day I left, my family and friends took me to the airport. Mama, Jason, Luke, Lindsey, Aunt Cadence, Uncle T., Sophie, Rachel, and Ethan were all there. I suspected Ryan wouldn’t show up, but I guess a small part of me hoped he would. I kept looking for him, until the moment I boarded the plane. I knew then that it was over. Whatever it had been, it was finished.
In Cleveland, my grandma was waiting for me at the airport. As soon as I saw her, I broke down and cried like a baby. She embraced me and said everything would be okay. I wanted to believe her, but I knew it wouldn’t be that easy.
My father had forgiven me, but he had died and I would never be his little girl again. Mama called almost every day and now I talked to her, but I could hear the sadness in her voice and it tugged at my heart. I couldn’t shake the guilt of leaving her alone at such a time. Sophie, Rachel, and I had reconnected. We had been exchanging emails and text messages, but it wasn’t the same. The distance was already taking its toll on our friendship.
And there was Ryan. We had found closure, the perfect one. Then why didn’t it seem like my feelings would go away anytime soon. Truth be told, they had never gone away, not in four years, and I knew I wouldn’t be free of it now. Not after what we had the past few weeks I was down there.
Meanwhile, Gavin still called me sometimes, though I didn’t answer. When he would bump into me on campus, on purpose, he tried to ask me out.
With Kristin, things were awkward. I loved her, but since I wasn’t ready to talk, she probably felt like I was pushing her away. I had to find a way to open up soon, before she gave up on me.
“You’re a terrible liar,” Kristin said. We walked into the science building where she had chemistry class and I had physics. “You’ve been distant and quiet, practically sulking. You do nothing but study or stay holed up in your bedroom. You know, even your grandma called me yesterday to talk about you.”
“What?”
“She’s worried about you.”
“I’m okay,” I whispered. Even I didn’t believe my own words.
“To some extent, I know you are. But mostly you aren’t.” We stopped in front of my classroom. She touched my arm. “When you’re ready to talk, I’m here, okay?”
I nodded and entered the classroom before I could break down in the hallway. I took my usual seat and opened my book, reading the current chapter we were working on furiously, trying to imprint it on my mind, so it would take over the emotions that wanted to spill from my chest.