If you was to set me free, Governor, the first thing I would do would be to go to the judge and get my citizenship fixed up—
That’s great! I’ll say that’s great! There you are, Yexcellency, right out of their own mouths! First this man isn’t guilty because maybe the prawscution couldn’t have proved his citizenship. And the first thing he’s going to do if he gets a pardon is to get his citizenship fixed up! If that doesn’t—
Not at all, Yexcellency. In fact, I resent the imputation of—
Shtop! F’ God’s sake shtop! [To the Secretary] C’mute’ sen’ce ’mpris’nment f’ life!
What? Oh my God!
Hunh?
But, Yexcellency—
No more! ’M not g’n lis’n ’nother word. ’S comp’mise. ’S comp’mise, I know it’s comp’mise. But’s bes’ c’n do. Who y’ think y’ are, tak’n up my time way y’ have? Don’ min’ f m’self. ’M plain, blunt man ’n give y’ shirt off m’ back, ’f y’ need it. But my time b’longsh t’ people. Y’ und’shtan’ ’at? My time b’longsh t’ people, ’n wha’ y’ do with it? I ashk y’ f’ facksh ’n y’ come in here ’th noth’n but tech’calitiesh! Tech’calitiesh I said! Pett’fogg’n! Triffl’n detailsh! Dog! Fleash! Rabbit! Poetry! ’M done with it! ’M not g’n lis’n ’nother word!
But really, Yexcellency—
Yeah, a fine lawyer you was. First you git me sent up for ten year and now you git me sent up for life—
Yeah, and a fine thing the Coal City Volunteer Fire Department done for the country when they pulled you out of the sewer—
Wha’s ’at? Wha’s at?
I’m just trying to tell Yexcellency—
Jus’ minute, jus’ minute!.. The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment! Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? So Farmsh, y’ were memb’ ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment?
Well... I reckon I was, in a way, Governor. I reckon I was, ha ha! I reckon I was kind of born to it, ha ha ha! I reckon I must be pretty near the only person in the world that was ever born to a fire department, ha ha, ha ha!
Farmsh, ’m g’n ask y’ some’n. Look m’ ’n eye, Farmsh. Farmsh, y’ guilty ’r y’ not guilty?
Governor, I hope my die I ain’t no more guilty than you are.
Farmsh, I believe y’ tell’n’ me truth. Farmsh, y’ free man.
Oh my Gawd, Governor, thank you sir, thank—!
The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment. Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at?...
[While the Secretary makes out a pardon and the GOVERNOR signs it, the group breaks up in a round of hand-shaking, the lawyers to go out and have a drink together, the petitioner to go back to the penitentiary for the last formalities. When they have all gone, the GOVERNOR still sits nodding to himself and presently falls amiably asleep.]
The Legislature
THE THIRD ROOM ON your left as you enter the south wing of the State Capitol. It is an afternoon in midwinter, and three gentlemen, MESSRS. HAYES, LOMAN, and FRIEND, are sitting at one end of the table. They constitute a quorum of the Committee on Education of the House of Representatives, and before them is a large pile of bills, resolutions, and memoranda.
Well, looking at them don’t do no good.
It sure don’t.
Might as well get busy.
A hell of a fine time them other guys on this committee picked to get the flu!
How you say we do? Take up them schoolhouses, or leave them wait till we got a couple other things out of the way first?
Leave them schoolhouses till last. They was referred jointly anyhow, and it ain’t no use of us wasting no sweat on them till Ways and Means has said what they’re goin’ to do.
All right, then. Authorizing constable of town of Gale’s Island to act as truant officer. Authorizing commissioners of town of Shawville to close certain streets to motor traffic during hours when public schools are in session. Them things don’t amount to nothing and here’s about forty more just like them. Shoot them right through, hey? Report them favorable and be done with it?
Hell, yes.
All set on them, then.
Pitch them over to one side. That’s a start anyways.
All right, then. Le’s get on this here Evolution Bill. Bill prohibiting the teaching of certain doctrines in educational institutions supported in whole or in part by public funds. What do you say on that?
I say that bill ought to been passed about ten years ago.
That bill hits me pretty good too. Still, it’s pretty important, so I guess we better consider it some.
What’s the use of considering? I don’t need no considering to know how I’m going to vote.
How you feel about that, Mr. Friend?
Hanh?
This here Evolution Bill. We’re getting ready to report on it now and we kind of want to make sure we got the right idea about it.
Hunh.
So if you got anything to say about it, now is the time to say it.
They hadn’t ought to kill no cows thouten they pay for them.
Now, what in the hell has the Committee on Education got to do with cows?
No, this ain’t the Tubercular Cattle Bill. This is the Evolution Bill. Or Anti-evolution Bill, some of them calls it.
Evolution!
I ain’t deef.
You read it.
Maybe I read it.
He ain’t asked maybe did you read it. He asked did you read it. Come on. If you ain’t deef, then act like you was awake.
What’s reading got to do with it?
Well, we’re kind of busy this afternoon, Mr. Friend, and it would kind of save time if you had read the bill.
I reckon I can read it if I have to. Where’s it at?
You mean to say you been a member of this Legislature a whole month and attended all the hearings this committee has held and ain’t read that bill yet?