Although she tried to stop it, the image rose in her mind of a young girl wearing a short flowered dress on a bench overlooking Lover’s Point in Pacific Grove. That girl looked out at the holiday revelers, now eternally frozen in place in her mind, getting soaked by salt spray, waiting for hours for a man she trusted totally. It was the memory, the one she had returned to again and again, cried over, puzzled over. She had clung to this memory, kept it strong in her mind, and allowed it to structure her life. The memory seemed tattered around the edges now, though, no longer lit with an awful radiance. It felt like a disaster that had happened to two young people she had once known.
Still, from the remnant of her pain, she said, “But I didn’t know why for twelve long years. Even though I understand why now, the scar will always be there.”
“Where?”
What a silly question. That scar wasn’t real. “Well, there’s this,” she said instead. “The one I told you about.” Her finger traced along her chest. Shot, survived. Knocked down, got up. Deserted, continued alone. She had gone on without him.
He reached for her, wrapping his fingers around her chilled ones. Under her own fingers she felt her pulse quicken.
“There?” he asked.
“Everywhere.” You wounded me more than any gun ever could, she thought. “I’m not the girl you knew. I got tough. I had to. I don’t believe-”
“In me?” His hand tightened over hers. “Or you don’t believe in love, is that what you’re saying?”
“Let’s not talk. I’ve said everything I want to say.” She had been exposed under that thin cotton dress, her heart steady, right at the surface, beating for him, ready to make any sacrifice. She had never felt entirely happy since. That much she admitted, but silently, only to herself. She took her hand out from under his and moved it so that it pressed against her breast. A wash of feeling splashed through her body like an ocean wave. “I still want you. That never changed. Take me to bed.”
He took his hand away and, seemingly absentmindedly, put his finger in the center of her neck, to a hollow nobody else had ever noticed or touched specially, only him. “You haven’t changed. You’re still the woman I loved, chasing squirrels off the porch at Fallen Leaf, swatting at mosquitoes with your flip-flop. Falling asleep while I played Bach in that ratty cabin of yours.”
“No, I’m not.” She closed her eyes for an instant and recalled him making incredible sounds come from a beat-up piano as shadows spread over the lake.
He stroked her arm. Her body rippled under his touch. “We can begin at the end,” he said.
Mesmerized by the power of his touch, she felt unable to make sense of the jumble of sensations. She had trouble tracking what was old business, what was new, and what was happening right now. She urgently needed to get it over with, get him out of her system so he-so he-she got up and took off her sweater, unbuttoned her jeans.
“Stop, Nina,” he said.
“I need someone right now. Not tomorrow or someday.”
“You have me, okay?”
“I don’t want to be alone upstairs. I don’t understand what’s going on.” She looked at him, at his calm face and the warmth in it. He wasn’t exactly rejecting her-or was he?
“No, I’ll sleep on this charming couch.” He punched its gnarly cushions. “Tomorrow I’ll move to a hotel, look for a permanent place.”
“And where am I in this?”
“Nearby. Taking hikes with me and Bob. Teaching me to live in the mountains. Taking it slow with me.” He turned away and gazed out into the black night.
She came up behind him and circled him with her arms, pressing her body against his back. “Kurt, what is all this you’re saying? Don’t you want me?” His shirt scratched against her bare skin.
“Don’t you see what I’m offering you?”
“I only know that we’re here tonight, and…”
“We have a child together.” He turned to face her and smiled, that amiable grin of his, eyes trying to tell her-what? He brushed her face lightly, as if brushing past a veil. “A chance together. It’s late, but it’s not over for the three of us. Don’t you see?”
A thought took shape in her mind, too big, too much to ask for in this shifting world. Could he mean…
We have a child together, she thought. A child, a sacred tie. That’s what he’s saying. He’s talking about-he’s talking about uniting a family. He wanted real love.
“I…”
“Don’t be afraid,” he said. He put his hands on her arms and faced her. “I never loved anybody but you.” Then he pulled her closer until she could feel the hairs on her skin touching his face, and then closer, until she felt the light steam of his breath on her mouth and she bent back in his arms. His body smelled like pine on a hot day. He kissed her, but gently.
“Nina,” he whispered.
“Yes, Kurt?”
“Good night.”
“Sleep well.” Nina picked up her sweater, shook her head, smiling, and went upstairs to bed.
Acknowledgments
OUR LATE BROTHER, PATRICK R. O’SHAUGHNESSY, advised, supported, and contributed jokes, fun, and wisdom to this book, as he has with all our books. He was part of Perri and his death is an overwhelming loss. His friends John Kunkle, Andrew McKenna, Emmett O’Boyle, and Kathleen Roberts made his loss more bearable.
As always, Nancy Yost of Lowenstein Morel Yost and Associates acted as much more than an agent in the writing of this book. She was a friend, an editor, and an enthusiastic support.
Danielle Perez, senior editor at the Bantam Dell Publishing Group, knows just how much to change in a manuscript to make it better without changing its flavor. She stayed with us throughout the writing of this book as a constant and reliable resource. Irwyn Applebaum, our publisher, has given us the freedom to write. He has always given us the feeling that he would go as far as necessary to give our books the widest possible audience. We are very grateful to Irwyn. We would also like to thank Nita Taublib, deputy publisher of Bantam Dell, who has worked hard behind the scenes for our books. Besides these wonderful people, many others at Bantam Dell have helped us. We would like to offer thanks to Robin Foster, our copy editor, Susan Corcoran, our publicist, Shannon Jamieson, the artists, the sales force, the binders, the distributors, all who have shown such professionalism.
We thank Patrick Morriss of Foothill College, Los Altos Hills, California, for consulting with us on the mathematics in this book. We also thank our families, Brad, Meg, Sylvia and Frank, Andy, June, Connor, and Corianna, and so many more in our extended family: always with us, in happiness and sadness. And we thank good friends and associates for all they have done for us in a hard year: Nita Piper and June Snedecor, who have worked so hard on the perrio.com Web site, and Ardyth Brock, Elizabeth Blair, and Dawn Marie.
For a list of fascinating books and materials used as background material for the mathematics and gambling scenes in this book, please check our Web site at perrio.com. All mistakes and speculations are our own.
At the moment, though there is talk of using other encryption methods for the Net, such as quantum encryption, prime number encryption is the best method we have. Thus one of the seemingly most arcane mathematical mysteries has suddenly become immensely important to the mundane world of commerce and politics. No one today can predict exact prime numbers using a formula.
But that day will come. And, in addition to its immediate practical significance, it will have an even greater scientific significance: It will brush aside one of the darkest veils of the mysterious and magnificent universe we live in.
Perri O'Shaughnessy
