And, uh”—he cut me a look before glancing back at his sister—“stay with her until she feels better.”
Anger burned through me as Braden walked out of the flat, ignoring Ellie’s shocked and questioning calls of his name.
Ellie’s pitiful and sympathetic looks suddenly became painful rather than comforting.
I pulled out of Ellie’s arms. “I’m sorry, hon. I just … I’m going back to bed.”
She nodded carefully and let me go.
***
I couldn’t sleep. I kept playing everything over and over in my head, trying to work out what to say to Braden first to make him stop and talk to me. I had it all planned, but dinner passed and he still didn’t turn up.
Then evening.
I texted him and didn’t get a reply. I called. No reply.
I texted Adam but he wasn’t with Adam.
Finally, just after two in the morning, our front door opened. Fury propelled me out of our bedroom and I stormed into the hall as Braden shut the door behind him. His eyes moved to me but it was like he was staring right through me as he started toward the guest room.
Oh, no! Not again!
“Where have you been?” I snapped, grabbing hold of his arm so he’d look at me.
He jerked his arm away from me like he couldn’t stand to be touched by me. “Out,” he told me simply, his tone cutting. And then he disappeared into the guest room, not even aware that I probably looked like he’d run me over with a car.
I had theories as to why he was so angry. I knew he thought I didn’t want his kid. I wondered if he was questioning everything about us. I wondered if he was scared. I wondered why he couldn’t just tell me all that. I thought we had come further than that. No … I guess I’d just, probably unfairly, thought he’d see me through anything.
A long time ago he’d almost left me for good for shutting him out. And now he was shutting me out.
He’d dived inside his head and he wouldn’t let me near him.
He didn’t even want me touching him, and that hurt and scared me so much I didn’t want to feel anything. I’d sleep to help with that, but sleep was eluding me. Instead I shut myself in the bathroom and undressed. I switched on the shower and stepped into the freezing-cold water, allowing the shock to dissipate into numbness. My mind adrift, my hands covered the small of my stomach protectively, and I closed my eyes. I could be numb everywhere but there.
I thought I heard a muffled “Fuck” and it brought my eyes open just as Braden was sliding the shower door open. He reached in, his features like granite as he switched the nozzle to warm. His eyes cut to me. “Are you trying to catch fucking pneumonia?”
Chittering, I blanched. I hadn’t been thinking. Obviously.
“Stay in there until you warm up,” Braden snapped.
Where was my husband?
Everything I’d been feeling suddenly broke out of the numbness. All the fear, the guilt, the anger, the loneliness of the past few days, and most especially the hurt.
Braden jerked back, confusion and something like fear entering his expression.
But since this man was a stranger … I couldn’t give a fuck how he felt.
I reached over, staring at him blankly, shut the shower door, and turned my back on him.
Chapter 7
Castle Hill
“It’s been a while, Joss. What’s been happening?” Dr. Pritchard asked in that careful voice of hers.
She had mastered the art of not sounding concerned. Nor too breezy. Just calm. Soothing.
It used to bug the crap out of me. There was a time I would have given anything to hear her yell at her kids for some wrongdoing just so I could hear a little bit of raised blood pressure in her voice. I wanted proof she was human.
Now I knew she was human. She could be a little on the sarcastic side. That’s probably why I liked her so much.
“Braden and I got married,” I informed her quietly, my hands resting on my stomach.
She smiled. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks.”
Dr. Pritchard raised an eyebrow. She gave good eyebrow-raising. “Anything else?”
Easing into the reason for my visit, I avoided the subject altogether. “I got an agent.” It was true.
Dana had called at the beginning of the week and I’d signed with her. It should have been one of the most exciting moments of my life. “She has a publisher interested in my manuscript.” Already.
Again, should have been one of the most exciting moments of my life.
“That’s great news.”
Dr. Pritchard also seemed to fear hyperbole and expressions of excitement. Again, another reason I liked her so much.
“I’m pregnant.”
The good doctor was quiet a moment as she processed my blurtage. “Is that why you’re here?”
I nodded, trying to ignore the lump of tears in my throat as I thought over the last few days. Our home had been a silent, cold place recently. My whole life had. Ellie and Adam had refused to get in the middle, so they were staying out of it completely. I think Ellie must have talked Elodie into the same because I hadn’t heard from her. I’d gotten tentative texts from my friends but no one wanted
to bring the subject up. “It’s slammed up this huge wall between me and Braden.”
“It has or you have?”
“Actually, he has.” I shrugged. “I was scared when I suspected I was pregnant. I was terrified when I found out that it was true. But I knew that wasn’t all. I just … I had to get away, go to my place to process.
Before I could, Braden got there, I told him, and he took one look at my face and
assumed … the worst.”
“The worst?”
“That I’m unhappy. That I don’t want a child with him. He’s so mad, so hurt, he wouldn’t and still hasn’t let me explain.”
“And what would you tell him if he gave you the chance?”
My hands pressed tighter against my stomach. “That our kid means more to me than anything ever has before. That it scares me to feel that much for anyone. It always will. But that I’m working through it now. That I’m still scared, and I’m scared about screwing it all up, but that I want this with him. I just needed time to work out what I was feeling.”
“And that was?”
I smiled at the irony. “So happy I was paralyzed.”
“You still believe that everything good will be followed by bad?”
“I haven’t for a long time,” I shook my head. “But this is a huge deal. I had a relapse.”
“Joss, you’re allowed to feel this way. You recognized it and you’re working through it. That’s all anyone can ask.”
We were quiet a moment as I studied my wedding rings, twisting the bands on my finger. “He hurt me,” I whispered, not wanting to admit it out loud.
“Braden?”
I nodded.
“He’s not perfect, Joss. You’ve always known that he was a family man. It must be hard for him to wonder if he’s married to a woman who could be unhappy about carrying her own child, his child.”
“But he won’t let me explain.”
She cocked her head to the side, giving me a small, reassuring smile. “Maybe he’s afraid to hear what you have to say. So make him listen.”
“I would … but …”
“Joss—”
“When he’s gone I blame myself,” I admitted. “The way I reacted … I can see why he would feel this way, act this way. But when he’s right in front of me, looking through me, not wanting me to touch him, unable to bear my touch, I almost hate him. I feel so alone.” The tears spilled down my cheeks. “And he promised I wouldn’t feel that way again.”