John DeChancie
Castle Kidnapped
To the Memory of Robert P. Mills
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days …
The same that oft-times hath
Charmed magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.
One
On the Approach Path to Greater Pittsburgh International Airport
Gene Ferraro heard the groan of servomechanisms, looked out the window of the Lockheed 1011, and saw the plane’s flaps slide down and lock into place. The sound of whooshing air got louder and the engines revved up and whined, providing more thrust to compensate for increased drag.
Below, the ground was still shrouded in haze, but occasional features began to appear: here a sprawling shopping complex, there the winding ribbon of a freeway. Gene turned from the window, sat back, and sighed. The stewardess came by, whisked away his empty coffee cup, and hurried off on her rounds. Gene pushed up on the serving tray in front of him and locked it back into place. Presently the “No Smoking” and “Fasten Seat Belts” lights came on. The first directive didn’t apply, but Gene obeyed the second.
He looked out the window again. Everything suddenly whited out as the plane plunged through low cloud, but shortly things cleared again and the ground reappeared, now a little closer.
Everything seemed fine. He was glad to be back home, even though he had enjoyed his stay in southern California. Los Angeles was … well, a different world, all sun and surf and blond leggy women. Glitzy as hell, daubed in Technicolor shades. Everywhere palm trees and tangled freeways and pastel stucco houses with orange Spanish tile roofs. Also smog, and lots of crazy people. And automobiles, lots and lots of those. Who had said that California had the most of everything and the best of nothing? It was true, Gene thought, but there is something to be said for sheer quantity. He had liked the place, but had had enough after two weeks. He’d bade goodbye to Linda Barclay and took the first nonstop flight out. Linda wanted to spend more time with her mother before going back to Perilous.
And after dutifully visiting with his own folks, that’s exactly where he was going: Castle Perilous.
It no longer seemed like a dream to him — the castle, that is. He had long come to accept Castle Perilous as reality. It was either that or the most elaborate and convincing shared hallucination in medical history. But Gene could no longer regard the latter case as anything but the remotest improbability. The castle was real; it was an actual, physical place, made of cold hard stone. He had bumped his head against it on occasion. It had hurt.
A dream castle carved of adamantine rock … and energized by the stuff of magic, also undeniably real. Magic oozed from every crack and crevice in the place, lay pulsing in every stone. Castle Perilous was a magical construct, its existence maintained from second to second by a spell laid long ago, as legend had it, on a great demon called Ramthonodox….
He had a sudden urge to urinate and suppressed it. Damn he thought. One drink too many. But it was only two vodka and tonics, wasn’t it? Surely, that wasn’t enough to —
The urge soon turned into an immediate and crying need. Cursing his kidneys for picking such an inconvenient time to fail him, Gene unlatched his seat belt, got up, and made his way to the back of the plane.
A stewardess blocked his way.
“Sir, where are you going?”
“The obvious place.”
“We’re going to be landing in just a few minutes, sir. You’ll have to wait.”
His bladder felt like a water balloon being squeeze. “Can’t.”
“Sir, you’ll have to! Passengers have to be strapped in for landing.”
“But look —”
“Please, sir, it’s regulations!”
Gene exhaled. Then very quickly he said, “Voodoo. Who do? You do!” It came out as Vudoo-hudoo-yudoo!
The phrase was an incantation for a general facilitation spell that Sheila had taught him, one of the very few spells he had mastered, and the only one in his repertoire that was efficacious in this world, on Earth. It was an all-purpose enchantment, one that simply increased the ease of performing any task or solving any problem. Set up optimum conditions. Success depended heavily on the skill of the enchanter. Unfortunately Gene was strictly an amateur in matters magical; but he tried hard.
“What did you say?” the stewardess asked, wincing as if from a sudden headache. She shook her head once. “Did you —?”
“You were about to tell me that I could go if I get it done real quick and be back in my seat in a jiffy.”
She blinked. “Huh? Oh.” Vaguely puzzled, she nodded. “Uh, yeah. Go ahead.But hurry! ”
Feeling like the dam above Johnstown, Gene hurried.
Reaching the door, he found it had been locked — automatically, most likely, during takeoffs and landings. He shoved a shoulder against it and pushed, to no avail.
Well, hell, it wasn’t a complete humiliation to let go in your breeches. Must have been something he ate, or drank, or whatever.
Use the facilitation spell again? Nothing to lose.
He repeated the incantation and tried the door again. There seemed to be some give. He cast the spell once more, trying to get some feeling into the recitation, even though doing so made him feel slightly foolish. Gene knew he alone was to blame; he had come up with the silly phrase, a simple mnemonic. Sheila had told him that the words actually didn’t matter, as all magic was mental. The words simply focused the energy.
“Voodoo! — Who do? — You do!”
The door opened with a click and he stepped in. The urge vanished as soon as he closed the door, but that didn’t surprise him as much as seeing that the rear bulkhead of the cubicle was missing, the curving outline of the plane’s fuselage forming an oddly shaped doorway. Stranger still, the doorway led into a large stone-walled crypt. A young man dressed in medieval costume stood well away from the aperture, facing it. He regarded Gene, then bowed deeply.
“Your Excellency,” the boy intoned.
Judging by the costume, Gene took him for a castle servant, specifically a page. Gene didn’t recognize him.
“What the hell is going on?” Gene demanded.
The page bowed again. “Pardon the intrusion, Excellency. His Majesty wishes to speak with you immediately on a matter of the greatest urgency.”
“He’s back? No kidding. How in the world did you wrangle the portal here?”
“I believe His Excellency the Royal Librarian effected the technical details, sir.”
“Is Osmirik around?”
“He waits without, sir. He also is most anxious to see you.”
“Sounds like a real emergency. Well, okay. But that stewardess out there is going to be mighty confused when I don’t come out of here. She’ll think I pulled a D. W. Cooper.”
The page gave him a puzzled look. “Your pardon, sir. I do not quite take your meaning.”
“Forget it.” Gene made a motion to step over the toilet seat, which hadn’t disappeared. But he halted. “Wait a minute. My father is supposed to meet me when I land.”
“I believe, sir, that a temporal adjustment will be made for you when your business is concluded.”
“Time travel again, huh? Last time we tried that little trick it took four hours of mumbo jumbo. Oh, well, when duty calls …”
He straddled the commode and stepped into the room. The servant did not move closer.
Gene said, “Clever, that bit about making me think I was going to wet my pants. Was that Osmirik, or did Sheila come up with it? Sounds like her style.”