At my left was Rose Tuttle, who showed no signs of needing a brother at all. She had blue eyes in a round face, a pony tail, and enough curves to make a contribution to Mrs Robilotti and still be well supplied; and she had been born cheerful and it would take more than an accidental baby to smother it. In fact, as I soon learned, it would take more than two of them. With an oyster balanced on her fork, she turned her face to me and asked, Goodwin? Thats your name?
Right. Archie Goodwin.
I was wondering, she said, because that woman told me I would sit between Mr Edwin Laidlaw and Mr Austin Byne, but now your names Goodwin. The other day I was telling a friend of mine about coming here, this party, and she said there ought to be unmarried fathers here too, and you seem to have changed your nameare you an unmarried father?
Remember the tact, I warned myself. Im half of it, I told her. Im unmarried. But not, as far as I know, a father. Mr Byne has a cold and couldnt come and asked me to fill in for him. His bad luck and my good luck.
She ate the oyster, and another oneshe ate cheerfully tooand turned again. I was telling this friend of mine that if all society men are like the ones that were here the other time, we werent missing anything, but I guess theyre not. Anyway, youre not. I noticed the way you made Helen laughHelen Yarmis. I dont think I ever did see her laugh before. Im going to tell my friend about you if you dont mind.
Not at all. Time out for an oyster. But I dont want to mix you up. Im not society. Im a working man.
Oh! She nodded. That explains it. What kind of work?
Remember the discretion, I warned myself. Miss Tuttle should not be led to suspect that Mrs Robilotti had got a detective there to keep an eye on the guests of honour. You might, I said, call it trouble-shooting. I work for a man named Nero Wolfe. You may have heard of him.
I think I have. The oysters gone, she put her fork down. Im pretty sure Oh, I remember, that murder, that woman, Susan somebody. Hes a detective.
Thats right. I work for him. But I
You too. Youre a detective!
I am when Im working, but not this evening. Now Im playing. Im just enjoying myselfand I am, too. I was wondering what you meant
Hackett and two female assistants were removing the oyster service, but it wasnt that that stopped me. The interruption was from Robert Robilotti, across the table, between Celia Grantham and Helen Yarmis, who was demanding the general ear; and as other voices gave way, Mrs Robilotti raised hers. Must you, Robbie? That flea again?
He smiled at her. From what I had seen of him during the jewellery hunt I had not cottoned to him, smiling or not. Ill try to be fair to him, and I know there is no law against a man having plucked eyebrows and a thin moustache and long polished nails, and my suspicion that he wore a girdle was merely a suspicion, and if he had married Mrs Albert Grantham for her money I freely admit that no man marries without a reason and with her it would have been next to impossible to think up another one, and I concede that he may have had hidden virtues which I had missed. One thing sure, if my name were Robert and I had married a woman fifteen years older than me for a certain reason and she was composed entirely of angles, I would not let her call me Robbie.
Ill say this for him: he didnt let her gag him. What he wanted all ears for was the story about the advertising agency executive who did a research job on the flea, and by gum he stuck to it. I had heard it told better by Saul Panzer, but he got the point in, with only fair audience response. The three society men laughed with tact, discretion, and refinement. Helen Yarmis let the corners of her mouth come up. The Grantham twins exchanged a glance of sympathy. Faith Usher caught Ethel Varrs eye across the table, shook her head, just barely moving it, and dropped her eyes. Then Edwin Laidlaw chipped in with a story about an author who wrote a book in invisible ink, and Beverly Kent followed with one about an army general who forgot which side he was on. We were all one big happy familywell, fairly happyby the time the squabs were served. Then I had a problem. At Wolfes table we tackle squabs with our ringers, which is of course the only practical way, but I didnt want to wreck the party. Then Rose Tuttle got her fork on to hers with one hand, and with the other grabbed a leg and yanked, which settled it.
Miss Tuttle had said something that I wanted to go into, tactfully, but she was talking with Edwin Laidlaw, on her left, and I gave Ethel Varr, on my right, a look. Her face was by no means out of surprises. In profile, close up, it was again different, and when it turned and we were eye to eye, once more it was new.
I hope, I said, you wont mind a personal remark.
Ill try not to, she said. I cant promise until I hear it.
Ill take a chance. In case you have caught me staring at you I want to explain why.
I dont know. She was smiling. Maybe youd better not. Maybe it would let me down. Maybe Id rather think you stared just because you wanted to.
You can think that too. If I hadnt wanted to I wouldnt have stared. But the idea is, I was trying to catch you looking the same twice. If you turn your head only a little one way or the other its a different face. I know there are people with faces that do that, but Ive never seen one that changes as much as yours. Hasnt anyone ever mentioned it to you?
She parted her lips, closed them, and turned right away from me. All I could do was turn back to my plate, and I did so, but in a moment she was facing me again. You know, she said, Im only nineteen years old.
I was nineteen once, I assured her. Some ways I liked it, and some ways it was terrible.
Yes, it is, she agreed. I havent learned how to take things yet, but I suppose I will. I was sillyjust because you said that. I should have just told you yes, someone did mention that to me once. About my face. More than once.
So I had put my foot in it. How the hell are you going to be tactful when you dont know what is out of bounds and what isnt? Merely having a face that changes isnt going to get a girl a baby. I flopped around. Well, I said, I know it was a personal remark, and I only wanted to explain why I had stared at you. I wouldnt have brought it up if I had known there was anything touchy about it. I think you ought to get even. Im touchy about horses because once I caught my foot in the stirrup when I was getting off, so you might try that. Ask me something about horses and my face will change.
I suppose you ride in Central Park . Was it in the park?
No, it was out West one summer. Go ahead. Youre getting warm.
We stayed on horses until Paul Schuster, on her right, horned in. I couldnt blame him, since he had Mrs Robilotti on his other side. But Edwin Laidlaw still had Rose Tuttle, and it wasnt until the dessert came, cherry pudding topped with whipped cream, that I had a chance to ask her about the remark she had made.
Something you said, I told her. Maybe I didnt hear it right.
She swallowed pudding. Maybe I didnt say it right. I often dont. She leaned to me and lowered her voice. Is this Mr Laidlaw a friend of yours?
I shook my head. Never saw him before.
You havent missed anything. He publishes books. To look at me, would you think I was dying to know how many books were published last year in America and England and a lot of other countries?
No, I wouldnt. I would think you could make out all right without it.
I always have. What was it I said wrong?
I didnt say you said it wrong. I understood you to say something about the society men that were here the other time, and I wasnt sure I got it. I didnt know whether you meant another party like this one.
She nodded. Yes, thats what I meant. Three years ago. She throws one every year, you know.
Yes, I know.
This is my second one. This friend of mine I mentioned, she says the only reason I had another baby was to get invited here for some more champagne, but believe me, if I liked champagne so much I could get it a lot quicker and oftener than that, and anyway, I didnt have the faintest idea I would be invited again. How old do you think I am?