Mary: Yes, I know what he was saying: That I'm not good enough and he is tired of it and that I don't give enough.
Therapist: That isn't what I heard. What makes you think he means you're not good enough and that he is tired of it?
Mary: Well, look at him.
Therapist: What is it about the way he looks that makes you think he is tired of you and that you're not being good enough?
Mary: He always looks that way when he is tired of my making the same mistake, even when it is just not balancing my check book.
Therapist: So, if Fred makes that particular face, then anything he says means he is tired of your making
some mistake?
Mary: Yeah; well, it sounds kinda . . .
Therapist: What if he makes that face and tells you he has to go to the bathroom, is that your fault, too?
Mary: Well, no.
Therapist: Then it's not always?
Mary: No.
Therapist: Is it possible that Fred could mean something else and maybe you're just using that face as a way to be hard on yourself? Is that a possibility, maybe? (She nods "yes.") Let's find out, shall we?
Here the therapist has a chance to give new meaning and, therefore, new choices for responding to familiar behavior.
Breaking calibration loops in this way not only teaches that, just as family members are not mediums who can read minds, neither are they such good logicians, either. Most importantly, the therapist provides a model for family members to use when they have been — or suspect they have been — misunderstood. They learn that feedback works two ways, that uncovering the process beneath a response can be a tool to understanding as well as to being understood. The success of the therapist in breaking calibrated loops will be the model for family members later on, and the experience will also be an incentive for further change, especially when it is done lightly, gracefully, and without blame.
Once one of the calibrations is firmly enough established in the patterns of interaction of a family, the responses may be so programmed that, if one member does X, then another member automatically responds with Y. For example, the dialogue which occurs when one family member begins to speak and another member says, "I know what you're thinking; you don't have to tell me," is typical of what we term Mind Reading. At this point, the therapist has the choice of cutting into the Mind Reading just long enough to break the calibration. This simply may require repetitiously interrupting the pattern until the interruption itself becomes part of the process, so that intervention toward breaking the calibration can occur. For example, every time Amy begins to speak, her husband, Bill, starts to shake his head back and forth "no" before she has uttered more than half a word. Amy immediately flies into a rage, which is just what Bill claims he knew was going to happen. At this point, Amy tries to reply, stating that it is making her mad, but, as she begins to speak, Bill again starts to shake his head. In order to change this pattern, the therapist needs to interrupt long enough to gain the attention of the family members. For the therapist to make the same criticism as Amy offers would only serve to set up the same system for Bill with the therapist as he has with Amy. Here is where humor and pattern-interruption become powerful tools. The therapist tells both of them to stop.
Therapist: You said earlier, Bill, that you would like to get some peace and quiet and that you would like Amy to stop nagging you. Is that true?
Bilclass="underline" That's what I said.
Therapist: I believe I can help you get it if you will try a little experiment with me. Are you willing?
Bilclass="underline" Shoot.
Therapist: I would like you to place your hands on your head, one on each ear, and to do this tightly. If Amy begins to yell or nag, then clamp your hands down tight so you can't hear her. And, while you're doing this, you might use your hands to hold your head still, because I've noticed that, just as Amy begins to speak, your head rocks back and forth, and both of you get dizzy and start hallucinating. Do you know what I'm saying?
Bilclass="underline" (chuckling, and Amy chuckling, too) All right, all right.
Therapist: Now, Amy, this is your big chance to say what you want to Bill, but remember, if you yell or nag, he will clamp his hands down. So, don't get dizzy, OK?
Amy: (laughing) He looks cute that way.
Therapist: I'm wondering if maybe he doesn't look like this most of the time to you?
Amy: Yes, I believe he does, but when I see it like this, I have to laugh instead of getting angry.
Therapist: OK. Now maybe we can begin to build some channels for you to really hear each other, but you will have to go slowly and not get dizzy for a change. Are you both willing?
This kind of pattern interruption (non-verbal exaggeration with humor) provides a vehicle to slow down the process long enough to get something new through the calibration loops. At the same time, another dimension can be added to the process, one which also affects the decision transition point by adding to the picture the message which was deleted by the calibration. For instance, in this particular case, the therapist might add these instructions to Bilclass="underline"
Therapist: Now, Bill, as you hold your hands over your ears so you can protect yourself if Amy yells, I want you to repeat over and over, out loud, "Don't say anything bad or loud, I'm too fragile." And, Amy, as he does this, I want you to yell as loud as you need to in order to get Bill to hear you: "I'm not yelling; just listen to me, I'm not yelling." OK, now both of you do this at the same time.
The result of this kind of intervention is commonly that both family members have an experience which is familiar and, at the same time, humorous, with no blame, neither of them being the culprit. At the same time, they will get tired of the silliness and then will be ready to try a new way, after being presented with an exaggeration of the complete cycle all at once. The techniques for breaking calibrated Mind Reading are as numerous as the creativity of the therapist. The process, however, is always basically the same: To identify Mind Reading and make the process by which it occurred obvious enough to both parties that the need for feedback itself becomes apparent. We often end up saying to family members, "Do you have a license for fortune telling? Are you sure you have the credentials; I didn't know they were giving them out!" Then two things can be learned by the family members: First, how to break through calibration loops without blame, and, second, how to establish feedback. Breaking calibration loops opens the door for family members to begin to appreciate the different ways each family member gives and receives messages. The most important learning here is that what is intended is not always what is received. Or, as we like to say, the map is not the territory. When two people have different maps, they may not be of the same territory. If they then compare the differences without blame, the experience will provide a better guide for both travelers. Arguing about which map is the true map is a sure-fire sign that both individuals have forgotten that neither is.