Therapist: You said earlier, Bill, that you would like to get some peace and quiet and that you would like Amy to stop nagging you. Is that true?
Bilclass="underline" That's what I said.
Therapist: I believe I can help you get it if you will try a little experiment with me. Are you willing?
Bilclass="underline" Shoot.
Therapist: I would like you to place your hands on your head, one on each ear, and to do this tightly. If Amy begins to yell or nag, then clamp your hands down tight so you can't hear her. And, while you're doing this, you might use your hands to hold your head still, because I've noticed that, just as Amy begins to speak, your head rocks back and forth, and both of you get dizzy and start hallucinating. Do you know what I'm saying?
Bilclass="underline" (chuckling, and Amy chuckling, too) All right, all right.
Therapist: Now, Amy, this is your big chance to say what you want to Bill, but remember, if you yell or nag, he will clamp his hands down. So, don't get dizzy, OK?
Amy: (laughing) He looks cute that way.
Therapist: I'm wondering if maybe he doesn't look like this most of the time to you?
Amy: Yes, I believe he does, but when I see it like this, I have to laugh instead of getting angry.
Therapist: OK. Now maybe we can begin to build some channels for you to really hear each other, but you will have to go slowly and not get dizzy for a change. Are you both willing?
This kind of pattern interruption (non-verbal exaggeration with humor) provides a vehicle to slow down the process long enough to get something new through the calibration loops. At the same time, another dimension can be added to the process, one which also affects the decision transition point by adding to the picture the message which was deleted by the calibration. For instance, in this particular case, the therapist might add these instructions to Bilclass="underline"
Therapist: Now, Bill, as you hold your hands over your ears so you can protect yourself if Amy yells, I want you to repeat over and over, out loud, "Don't say anything bad or loud, I'm too fragile." And, Amy, as he does this, I want you to yell as loud as you need to in order to get Bill to hear you: "I'm not yelling; just listen to me, I'm not yelling." OK, now both of you do this at the same time.
The result of this kind of intervention is commonly that both family members have an experience which is familiar and, at the same time, humorous, with no blame, neither of them being the culprit. At the same time, they will get tired of the silliness and then will be ready to try a new way, after being presented with an exaggeration of the complete cycle all at once. The techniques for breaking calibrated Mind Reading are as numerous as the creativity of the therapist. The process, however, is always basically the same: To identify Mind Reading and make the process by which it occurred obvious enough to both parties that the need for feedback itself becomes apparent. We often end up saying to family members, "Do you have a license for fortune telling? Are you sure you have the credentials; I didn't know they were giving them out!" Then two things can be learned by the family members: First, how to break through calibration loops without blame, and, second, how to establish feedback. Breaking calibration loops opens the door for family members to begin to appreciate the different ways each family member gives and receives messages. The most important learning here is that what is intended is not always what is received. Or, as we like to say, the map is not the territory. When two people have different maps, they may not be of the same territory. If they then compare the differences without blame, the experience will provide a better guide for both travelers. Arguing about which map is the true map is a sure-fire sign that both individuals have forgotten that neither is.
Giving Perspective of Process
(Achieving Meta Position with Respect to System Process)
The three general strategies which we are presenting in this section will, to some extent, overlap; the difference will be more of the focus of teaching. They are provided as guides to organize your behavior, not distinctions in the territory which are isolated from one another. With this in mind, we turn, now, to the concept of assisting family members to gain perspective of system process. For a therapist to help family members to achieve this, he needs to put it in a concrete form so that the family members can understand it, and that they are given a chance to see, hear, and get their gut feelings involved. System process is the ways that all of the patterns which we are explaining in this book fit together. The therapist will be able to open up a family system only to the degree that he can represent to himself that the problem is not the problem — the patterns of coping are the source of the individual problems. So, when a family comes in and a wife says that her husband, Tom, is unreasonable because he refuses to let her go out and get a job and have a career of her own, and Tom loudly rebuts with: "Your responsibility is to the children at home, and there is no way that I will stand for your robbing them of having a mother and a secure childhood with contact and love" —
then the therapist's task is not to say who is right or who is wrong; it is not his domain to arrange a compromise. The resolution of the problem is not the main task of the therapist. Even if this problem is resolved, the calibrated communication which caused this problem will just produce another one. The task of the therapist, then, is to break the calibrated communication loops and to provide an environment for learnings about what choices and resources the family have which they can use to solve any specific problems. The therapist's jurisdiction is process, not content, the process of how each family member can achieve the hopes which the problem-solving represents (as an example). His task is to add to that process so the family members can resolve their own problems without further assistance. Then, each new conflict is an opportunity for every member to get what he wants. So, system process is the level of patterns to which the therapist is sensitive. He wants to understand what and how, not why. He strives to assist all members of the family in establishing feedback. If the family therapist does not operate at this level, he will get entangled and become part of the process, which will result in further difficulty.