'You're mumbling again,' said Mr Wonka. 'Speak louder next time. On we go! Hurry up!'
HOT ICE CREAMS FOR COLD DAYS, it said on the next door.
'Extremely useful in the winter,' said Mr Wonka, rushing on. 'Hot ice cream warms you up no end in freezing weather. I also make hot ice cubes for putting in hot drinks. Hot ice cubes make hot drinks hotter.'
COWS THAT GIVE CHOCOLATE MILK, it said on the next door. 'Ah, my pretty little cows!' cried Mr Wonka. 'How I love those cows!'
'But why can't we see them?' asked Veruca Salt. 'Why do we have to go rushing on past all these lovely rooms?'
'We shall stop in time!' called out Mr Wonka. 'Don't be so madly impatient!' FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS, it said on the next door.
'Oh, those are fabulous!' cried Mr Wonka. 'They fill you with bubbles, and the bubbles are full of a special kind of gas, and this gas is so terrifically lifting that it lifts you right off the ground just like a balloon, and up you go until your head hits the ceiling and there you stay.'
'But how do you come down again?' asked little Charlie.
'You do a burp, of course,' said Mr Wonka. 'You do a great big long rude burp, and up comes the gas and down comes you! But don't drink it outdoors! There's no knowing how high up you'll be carried if you do that. I gave some to an old Oompa-Loompa once out in the back yard and he went up and up and disappeared out of sight! It was very sad. I never saw him again.'
'He should have burped,' Charlie said.
'Of course he should have burped,' said Mr Wonka. 'I stood there shouting, "Burp, you silly ass, burp, or you'll never come down again!" But he didn't or couldn't or wouldn't, I don't know which. Maybe he was too polite. He must be on the moon by now.'
On the next door, it said, SQUARE SWEETS THAT LOOK ROUND.
'Wait!' cried Mr Wonka, skidding suddenly to a halt. 'I am very proud of my square sweets that look round. Let's take a peek.'
23
Square Sweets That Look Round
Everybody stopped and crowded to the door. The top half of the door was made of glass.
Grandpa Joe lifted Charlie up so that he could get a better view, and looking in, Charlie saw
a long table, and on the table there were rows and rows of small white square-shaped
sweets. The sweets looked very much like square sugar lumps except that each of them
had a funny little pink face painted on one side. At the end of the table, a number of
Oompa-Loompas were busily painting more faces on more sweets.
'There you are!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Square sweets that look round!'
'They don't look round to me,' said Mike Teavee.
'They look square,' said Veruca Salt. 'They look completely square.'
'But they are square,' said Mr Wonka. 'I never said they weren't.'
'You said they were round!' said Veruca Salt.
'I never said anything of the sort,' said Mr Wonka. 'I said they looked round.'
'But they don't look round!' said Veruca Salt.' They look square!'
'They look round,' insisted Mr Wonka.
'They most certainly do not look round!' cried Veruca Salt.
'Veruca, darling,' said Mrs Salt, 'pay no attention to Mr Wonka! He's lying to you!'
'My dear old fish,' said Mr Wonka, 'go and boil your head!'
'How dare you speak to me like that!' shouted Mrs Salt.
'Oh, do shut up,' said Mr Wonka. 'Now watch this!'
He took a key from his pocket, and unlocked the door, and flung it open and suddenly at the sound of the door opening, all the rows of little square sweets looked quickly round to see who was coming in. The tiny faces actually turned towards the door and stared at Mr Wonka.
'There you are!' he cried triumphantly. 'They're looking round! There's no argument about it! They are square sweets that look round!'
'By golly, he's right!' said Grandpa Joe.
'Come on!' said Mr Wonka, starting off down the corridor again. 'On we go! We mustn't dawdle!'
BUTTERSCOTCH AND BUTTERGIN, it said on the next door they passed. 'Now that sounds a bit more interesting,' said Mr Salt, Veruca's father.
'Glorious stuff!' said Mr Wonka. 'The Oompa-Loompas all adore it. It makes them tiddly. Listen! You can hear them in there now, whooping it up.'
Shrieks of laughter and snatches of singing could be heard coming through the closed door.
'They're drunk as lords,' said Mr Wonka. 'They're drinking butterscotch and soda. They like that best of all. Buttergin and tonic is also very popular. Follow me, please! We really mustn't keep stopping like this.' He turned left. He turned right. They came to a long flight of stairs. Mr Wonka slid down the banisters. The three children did the same. Mrs Salt and Mrs Teavee, the only women now left in the party, were getting very out of breath. Mrs Salt was a great fat creature with short legs, and she was blowing like a rhinoceros. 'This way!' cried Mr Wonka, turning left at the bottom of the stairs.
'Go slower!' panted Mrs Salt.
'Impossible,' said Mr Wonka. 'We should never get there in time if I did.'
'Get where?' asked Veruca Salt.
'Never you mind,' said Mr Wonka. 'You just wait and see.'
24
Veruca in the Nut Room
Mr Wonka rushed on down the corridor. THE NUT ROOM, it said on the next door they came to.
'All right,' said Mr Wonka, 'stop here for a moment and catch your breath, and take a peek through the glass panel of this door. But don't go in! Whatever you do, don't go into THE NUT ROOM! If you go in, you'll disturb the squirrels!'
Everyone crowded around the door. 'Oh look, Grandpa, look!' cried Charlie. 'Squirrels!' shouted Veruca Salt. 'Crikey!' said Mike Teavee.
It was an amazing sight. One hundred squirrels were seated upon high stools around a large table. On the table, there were mounds and mounds of walnuts, and the squirrels were all working away like mad, shelling the walnuts at a tremendous speed.
'These squirrels are specially trained for getting the nuts out of walnuts,' Mr Wonka explained.
'Why use squirrels?' Mike Teavee asked. 'Why not use Oompa-Loompas?'
'Because,' said Mr Wonka, 'Oompa-Loompas can't get walnuts out of walnut shells in one piece. They always break them in two. Nobody except squirrels can get walnuts whole out of walnut shells every time. It is extremely difficult. But in my factory, I insist upon only whole walnuts. Therefore I have to have squirrels to do the job. Aren't they wonderful, the way they get those nuts out! And see how they first tap each walnut with their knuckles to be sure it's not a bad one! If it's bad, it makes a hollow sound, and they don't bother to open it. They just throw it down the rubbish chute. There! Look! Watch that squirrel nearest to us! I think he's got a bad one now!'
They watched the little squirrel as he tapped the walnut shell with his knuckles. He cocked his head to one side, listening intently, then suddenly he threw the nut over his shoulder into a large hole in the floor.
'Hey, Mummy!' shouted Veruca Salt suddenly, 'I've decided I want a squirrel! Get me one of those squirrels!'
'Don't be silly, sweetheart,' said Mrs Salt. 'These all belong to Mr Wonka.'
'I don't care about that!' shouted Veruca. 'I want one. All I've got at home is two dogs and four cats and six bunny rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot and a turtle and a bowl of goldfish and a cage of white mice and a silly old hamster! I want a squirrel!'
'All right, my pet,' Mrs Salt said soothingly. 'Mummy'll get you a squirrel just as soon as she possibly can.'
'But I don't want any old squirrel!' Veruca shouted. 'I want a trained squirrel!'
At this point, Mr Salt, Veruca's father, stepped forward. 'Very well, Wonka,' he said importantly, taking out a wallet full of money, 'how much d'you want for one of these squirrels? Name your price.'