“And you couldn’t let yourself imagine you had feelings for her because you knew the Keru never married, never had children?”
“Why open yourself to being hurt?”
“Because you don’t always get hurt.” Jasai smiled. “Being chosen to join the Keru is an honor for a Helosundian woman. She sacrifices a great deal to accept that honor. But she does not sacrifice everything, Keles. She does not remove her heart.”
He glanced down at Tyressa again. “She doesn’t have feelings for me.”
“Can you imagine duty alone being sufficient motivation to travel with a Viruk across a continent, to enter an enemy nation, penetrate the capital, and enter the Prince’s palace to steal a prisoner away from him?”
He smiled. “You know your aunt. She’d do that for sport.”
“True, but she didn’t. Not in this case.” Jasai nodded toward her. “She watches you while you sleep. People ask her if they can approach you. She may not know exactly what she’s feeling, but the others see it. I see it.”
“So you’re saying that she wouldn’t leave here either, even if it was the only hope you had for a future?”
“I’m afraid you’re stuck with us.” Jasai looked back east. “Of course, ‘future’ is a relative term. How long until they arrive?”
“At their rate of advance, a couple of days. Rekarafi thinks he can sneak through their lines with more urine and make them think I’ve gotten behind them. That might slow them up for a while. And by the time they get here, we’ll have makeshift fortifications. But unless a lot of the folks down there are Mystics in disguise, the battle isn’t going to last very long.”
“They will do all they can.”
“I know. They might win if Tsatol Pelyn were again what it once was.” He pointed toward the east, then around along the dim line of the moat. “This was a classic Imperial outpost. The garrison would have been a battalion, perhaps two, but it could have easily housed all the people we have. Down beneath us would be storerooms full of arms and supplies. The moat… Well, folks are pulling rocks out of it now, but are barely down a couple of feet. It would have been nine feet deep, eighteen across, and every bit of stone in there would have been part of the walls. The walls themselves would have been eighteen feet tall, with a tower rising to twice that. Main gate to the east, and there, to the northwest, a second, smaller sally port for cavalry. It was a beautiful thing, all gone to waste.”
She shook her head. “It’s not gone to waste, Keles. It may not protect people the way it once did, but it is giving them hope and purpose. How many people ever have that in life?”
“Too few, I imagine.”
She nodded, then kissed him on the cheek. “I think you should go talk to Tyressa.”
“What am I going to say to her?”
“By your own estimation we’ve got two days to live. I think she might like to know she’s more than a spear-carrier. Being Keru, doing your duty, these things are important, but they’re not the only important things in life. Given that we’ve got little of that left, focusing on the important things should come first.”
Keles descended from the tower ruins and found Tyressa helping to dig another large stone from the moat. “Tyressa, do you have a moment?”
She looked up, swiped her forearm over her forehead, smearing dirt, then nodded. She straightened up, her spine cracking. Smiling, she began to walk with him, but the moment they got out of earshot of the work crew she’d been with, she rested a hand on his shoulder.
“My niece has been talking to you, hasn’t she?”
He nodded.
“I take it you told her this sort of thing just isn’t going to happen?”
“I, ah.” Keles frowned. “I think maybe I’m confused.”
Tyressa turned him to face her, resting both hands on his shoulders. “She wants us to get away. She knows I won’t leave her, but I have my duty to you, so I’d be forced to go. She wants me out of here because I’m her blood kin, and she wants you out of here because of her feelings for you.”
“Now I’m really confused.”
“Keles, can’t you see she cares for you? You were her only hope for escape, and when things started going very badly, you came for her. There’s not a woman in the world who wouldn’t have fallen for you. You can be a rock in the midst of disaster, and you don’t even see it. The people here are taking heart just because you’re confident in their efforts. It’s just like you were at the pool in Dolosan. You didn’t hesitate to act.”
“Yes, but you know that was just me being na?ve and foolish.”
“No, that was you being you, Keles. I’ve learned that.” She squeezed his shoulders. “She loves you and, from what I’ve seen, you love her. I’m pleased.”
“But she said…”
“She was lying to save you.”
Keles’ head began to spin. Jasai had him convinced that she didn’t love him and that Tyressa did. Tyressa was being just as convincing in the opposite direction. The possibilities inherent in who was lying to whom-including themselves-began to unfold in a legion of permutations that threatened to overwhelm him.
He reached up and grabbed Tyressa’s wrists. “Stop, please. I have to say something.”
The Keru nodded.
“I don’t know what Jasai feels. I know what she said. I don’t know what you feel. I know what she said you feel. I can’t do anything about her perceptions or yours. The only thing I know is what I feel, and given that I’m probably going to stop all feeling pretty soon, I need to say something.”
He swallowed hard. “I don’t know what you thought or felt or hoped all the time you were coming this way with Rekarafi. I can tell you what I was thinking. I thought you were dead. I saw you shot; I saw you fall back into the earth and disappear. My heart followed you right down into that hole.”
“Keles, I’m sorry…”
“Just wait, I’m not done. You were the only person who didn’t see me as a means to an end. You got to know me even though it wasn’t part of your job. I was able to share part of myself with you, and you did the same with me.” He closed his eyes for a second and saw her bloody body slipping away. “When you died-when I thought you were dead-a part of me died inside, too. I was happy when the man who shot you got eaten alive in Ixyll. I was happy to redesign Felarati for Prince Pyrust because I planned many avenues for the Keru and Naleni troops to pour through the city. Unable to express what I felt for you in any positive sense, I channeled it into hatred.”
He opened his eyes and looked up into hers. “You can assume that what I feel is just a grown-up version of the infatuation all boys have for the Keru. Or you can see it for love, because that’s what it is. And maybe it’s not something you want-I can understand that, too. Maybe everything was duty, and maybe you slipped a couple of times. I understand that, and I can live with it. I’ll probably die with it, but I want you to know that you’re more than just Keru, and I see you as more than that.”
Tyressa’s hands fell from his shoulders. She hugged her arms around her middle. She looked down for a moment, but when she brought her head up, tears had eroded the dust on her cheeks.
Keles lifted a hand to brush them away, but she shook her head and turned away from him.
He let his hand fall slowly. “I’m sorry I made you cry. I’ll get back to work. If I work hard enough, maybe, just maybe, that won’t be my last memory of you.”
Chapter Fifty
2nd day, Month of the Hawk, Year of the Rat
Last Year of Imperial Prince Cyron’s Court
163rd Year of the Komyr Dynasty
737th year since the Cataclysm
Imperial Road North, Nalenyr
It pleased Prince Pyrust that his presence shocked Count Linel Vroan. The Naleni noble had been summoned to the Inn of Gentle Seasons by envoys, promising a Desei representative to negotiate Nalenyr’s fate. To whom else does he imagine I would have entrusted such important talks?