Clare was there, but not alone. With her, beneath the glassy fringes of the fall, Mall stood, naked as she was, thigh-deep in the foaming water. She stooped over Clare, arms around her, hands across her back clasping her close as Clare clasped her, her parted lips fastened on Clare’s in a deep, searching kiss. Neither woman moved; they might have been statues in a fountain, their tangling hair carved in one flowing mass of ashy gold. Neither saw me. Without the faintest idea why I took a single step forward, and my feet tangled in Mall’s clothes, shed carelessly on the sand. I turned numbly and went back into the bushes again.
Still dazed, I made my way back to my perch on the rock, and sat down with a bump. I slumped there for I don’t know how long, till I felt a shadow lean over between me and the sun. Cool hands rested lightly on my shoulders, as they often had at the office, lingering to massage away tension. Affronted, shocked, I shrugged them away, and looked up angrily as I heard Clare’s cool giggle. She met my glare with wide, amused eyes, bit gently on her knuckle and stood contemplating me for a moment, swaying lightly from foot to foot. Then when it was obvious I wasn’t going to say anything she shrugged, smiled and drifted away down the slope to another vacant patch of rock. She caught my eye as she stretched out, and smiled again. I looked away, only to find Jyp awake and regarding me with his clear eyes.
‘You’re all mad at her of a sudden. How come?’
I growled. ‘Angry? Me? Why should I be? I’m just … Jesus, I’m worried, if you must know! Still worried – about her! Drifting about like that – doing things she’d never even bloody dream of, not … Not normally.’
‘You so sure? What kind of things?’
‘Christ Jesus, man! Isn’t it obvious? I mean, look at her! Wandering about just – draping herself round everyone, giggling like a bubblehead – that’s not the Clare I know! As if she doesn’t give a damn – as if she thinks this is just some sort of dream or fantasy!’
‘I’d bet that’s just exactly what she does think,’ murmured Jyp.
‘Hey, come off it! She doesn’t exactly need to pinch herself – not after booting that Wolf in the ghoolies! If she doesn’t know she’s awake, she’s off her bloody rocker!’
Jyp heaved himself up painfully. ‘Number of times I’ve seen this happen – Steve, listen! She’s far more deeply rooted in the Core than ever you were. And also, I guess, she’s more used to using her imagination. You had some time to get used to all this, to shape what goes on for yourself. You’re sure it’s real ’cause you don’t have strong fantasies or more likely you’ve sat on them. But nobody’s told her. She knows she’s awake, sure – but in no world she understands. She’s adrift. So, are you surprised she finds it easier writing this off as some kind of a fever dream, a delirium? Where the path of least resistance is the smoothest. Where it’s best to just take things as they come, to follow as her instincts lead her. It’s one hell of a lot better than being driven right off her trolley – and believe me, if she’d been a tad less stable –’
‘Great!’ I snarled. ‘So she just thinks she’s in some kind of neverland – where she can get up to all sorts of things she’d never normally do, and it doesn’t matter! Like, well … fantasies.’
Jyp chuckled. ‘So? Does it?’
A huge yellow butterfly came to perch on my knee. Irritably I brushed it away. ‘Okay! But what about when she finds it’s no dream?’
‘Will she? Steve, I guarantee you, maybe two days after we get her home that’s just exactly what it’ll seem like. She’ll remember there was some sort of fracas at the office, that you and some friends got her away from some thugs and that she’s very, very grateful to them – but mostly to you, ’cause you’ll still be there. That’s all. And in time even that’ll blur.’
‘Yes – but the others there –’
‘I’d be damn surprised if they remember that much. Memories rooted outside the Core, they don’t last too well, not if they’re not reinforced. How much did you believe, that first morning after?’ I was still digesting that one when he added, ‘And isn’t that just as well? That all she’s gone through won’t leave its mark on her?’
I thought. I felt so much to blame for what had happened to Clare. I’d almost been afraid to face her, at first; but if it wasn’t going to haunt her so much … ‘That’s a point, I suppose.’
‘Sure it is. So where’s the harm?’
I boiled. ‘The harm? Jesus! Just because she won’t remember – does that make it right for her to go throwing herself about – so anyone can take advantage –’
‘Oh? Like whoever gets a sudden urge for a swim?’ His tolerant grin took the sting out of the comment; most of it, anyhow. I remembered my nice little line in self deception, and shrivelled. Something of Mall, eh?
Nobody likes feeling a bloody fool. I bit my lip angrily. ‘Listen, there wasn’t any harm in that! It needn’t have come to anything – and so what if it did, anyhow? She’s had boyfriends; it’d be normal enough! There’s a vast bloody difference between me and Mall –’ I stopped dead, grating my teeth in embarrassment. But Jyp only opened his eyes wide in understanding, and his grin turned a little wry.
‘Uh-huh. Maybe. Maybe. You sound kind of shocked.’
‘Shocked? Of course I’m bloody shocked! I know Clare, remember? I’ve known her for years –’
‘Steve, most people don’t even know themselves that well! Not till something strips the surface back – dreams, maybe, or great danger – and what’s underneath comes through. Dreams, and danger! And she’s wrapped up in both!’
‘But Clare! Clare, of all people! She’s just a nice normal girl! It’s not the sort of thing she’d ever –’ I petered out again.
‘Well no, or it wouldn’t be under the surface, would it? It’s still part of her. Some of the things you did last night, you’d never dreamt you could – but they’re part of you, too. Along with a lot that’s less creditable. Smile – you’re human. You, me, Clare – we’re no goddam plaster saints. Once in a while we slip. And if we don’t overdo it, it can even be fun.’
‘Fun? Jesus! I mean, look, I’m as sophisticated as the next man – but Clare … Clare of all people! Why?’ Jyp didn’t say anything, and I brooded, shivering in the sun. ‘Christ, it’s not as if I can’t understand the … the magnetism of the woman, I’ve felt it. Fluttering around the same bloody candle myself – you know that. Only it took a little unfriendly help. It bloody well would, wouldn’t it? For me.’ I spat out the bitterness. ‘And I just got burned. To the victor … Only some are more victorious than Others, aren’t they? Naturally!’
Jyp shook his head sympathetically. ‘Mall, Clare – lord sakes, boy, you just don’t know which one you’re more jealous of, do you?’
‘Sod that!’
‘Whatever you say. So it’s Mall you’re truly mad at?’
‘Yeah! Flaming mad! What the bloody hell d’you expect me to be, dancing for fucking joy?’ But the words tasted false; and after a moment I closed my eyes and let my head sag. ‘No. No. Ah, crap. Can’t be, can I? Not even jealous. Not allowed.’