Чтоб друзья собирались за круглым столом,
Чтоб делили с друзьями все вместе мы
Нашу дружбу с печалью и песнями.
Если сразу ответа не можешь мне дать,
Не спеши, дорогая, могу подождать.
Ведь мечтаю уже больше года я,
Моя милая, добрая, гордая.
Chernobyclass="underline" Pages of Life and Love
These words from my soul are for Sergei's mother, Galina Akimovna:
«To my dearest mother, Lida. Thank you for a fantastic son, husband, father, and person. I bow down to you».
With love and respect,
Natasha
When the waters of the Flood
Returned again to the borders of the coasts
From the foam of the vanishing stream
Love got out onto the land
And hid, unmoving, until a certain time
And the time was forty days and forty nights…
Vladimir Vysotsky
Our lives are a multitude of acquaintances, meetings and partings. Once, long ago, being a very young girl, I married a man with whom I was in love. We had a daughter and everything seemed to be going smoothly, but eventually we came to understand that a life together was not really possible…
Either the love had gone, or it was never there to begin with, or maybe it was just that pride did not allow us to forgive each other. I won’t describe our break‑up. Parting was terrible and tortuous for me. Life had given me a hard slap in the face, and I re‑evaluated things and understood a good deal. Sometimes, against my will, a thought would bore into my head, turning it cold: would I really never again in my life experience the unrepeatable, unearthly feeling of real Love? Our daughter remained with me and I began a new life, but it was nevertheless very difficult: the pang of loneliness became sharper with each passing day. I began to examine my situation and note down the thoughts, which came into my head.
«Loneliness – it is not the worst condition; it teaches you a lot of things and forces you to think. Life reveals itself completely differently – you literally watch it from the wings and then choose the way out. Only in loneliness do you know the value of a real body and closeness, softness and love. It teaches you and perfects you. You don’t need to be afraid of loneliness. It is not an enemy, but a friend…»
Questions arose of their own accord: What do I want. Who is He? I am looking for Him and I know that He exists somewhere. I again cite my old notes.
«I am sure of this: as soon as I meet the one I need on my life’s journey, everything will fall into place. Meanwhile, I am obliged to live and get on with business. It isn’t important whether this man is rich or poor, I will accept his love only if he needs my love, my sincerity and honesty and is able to love and care for me himself. Where are you, my only friend? I am so tired of lies and pretence. Come quickly and protect me. Take me away from all this! How I want to live with love in my soul, rest my head on your shoulder, to smell you…one day to meet you and to know that you will always be with me. To wake up from your kiss and to kiss you while you sleep, to feel you breathing… to discuss everything with you, to fool around, laugh and cry, to wait for you and every time rejoice at your arrival. I have been so bored and tired without you.
Come home, my sweet. I know that you are also tired and are waiting to meet me. Seek and we must come together. A kiss will unify us. Our bed will carry us away to a world of love and sweetness. We will give to each other a priceless gift – our love. We will discover peace and happiness. And we will preserve it and care for it. I await you, my only beloved man…»
My meeting with him was very simple, ordinary, and at the same time, surprising. At the end of October 1996, I came to the swimming pool, as I had done for the last four years. The swimming pool is a pressure release for me, just about the only place where I can relax and let go, where I never brood over things and feel unhappy.
My mood was like the weather – gloomy. Alone and with an ache in my soul I went to park the car. Coming up to the parking lot, I saw a young man in a gray raincoat, who energetically waved his hands, showing me the best place to park the car. What is more, he did it clearly and deliberately, so that one paid attention to him. I remembered that I had seen him earlier in the swimming pool – he always came with a friend – but I never noticed when he appeared. I knew most of the people’s faces there, but I only knew a few by name. That day, I subconsciously felt that he paid attention to me. For some reason I lingered by the car, and it so happened that we arrived at the entrance of the pool almost simultaneously. Behind me I heard a man’s voice.
“Going for a swim?”
Turning my head and glancing up at him, I unexpectedly experienced several immediate feelings: irritation, agitation, interest. I answered him playfully, but at the same time haughtily
“And why shouldn’t I?”
In the hall I indignantly told an acquaintance of mine who was an assistant there, of the young man’s behavior. What nerve! Her unflattering comment about him made my bad mood still worse, for some reason. I gossiped for a long time with the girls in the cafe and then went to the solarium. When, finally we got to the sports hall and the pool, the young man had already gone.
So often chance meetings occur in our lives, which have no meaning, and are quickly forgotten about, which have no influence on its measured course. However, after a few days, I saw the young man in the sports hall again. He politely greeted me, and nothing more. The same thing happened for several sessions. But some time later he came up to me as if I knew him already, and, sincerely hurt, began to tell me how his car had broken down. I remember that it was his sincerity that struck me then. I began to look at him attentively. I liked him. Well groomed, lightly unshaven. His eyes… yes, he had beautiful blue eyes with large lashes. He was well built, although…although his legs were regrettably rather short. In general, he made an impression on me. Women liked him, and felt, that he also was not immune to their charms.
For some time we didn’t see each other: it was difficult for me, I again felt mentally crushed and stayed at home. My friend came round and dragged me – yes, literally dragged me! – to the swimming pool. We went in his car – it seemed to be the first time I hadn’t been in my own car.
I went into the pool, without having the slightest desire to exercise. I automatically wanted to go and get changed when I suddenly heard steps behind me:
“Hello!”
Turning my head, I saw the same young man. He was sincerely glad at our meeting and was smiling and I immediately felt somehow lighter in spirit. We chatted for a long time. It turned out that his name was Sergei. I suggested we carry on our conversation in the café after our exercises. He became confused and said that he probably would not be able to. My reaction was surprisingly calm, “Well, some other time, then!”
That day I got pleasure out of my training – a rare occurrence in those days. When I went to the café afterwards, I saw him. He had been waiting, and offered to take me home. He and his friend agreed to wait whilst I had a bite to eat. We went in the beautiful car belonging to his friend. Sergei’s car was still being repaired. On the journey, I opened my heart, for some reason I immediately started telling them all about my unhappy personal life, about my daughter and about my studies. Sergei’s friend drove us up to my house, he was hasty about it and left in a hurry. Sergei got out with me. The weather was dank and slushy – to stand in the archway was idiotic. I turned to my new acquaintance and said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you can come in for tea, if you like.”