Jesus, this was messed up.
The phone rang. I cringed, thinking it was Alex, but it was Harry again.
“Where you at, sis?”
“We’re taking the Gurnee exit now.”
“I’m on the north side of the mall. Knock three times.”
“What about that deal you made?” I asked, referring to him selling out Phin to the Feds. I didn’t want to walk into a Feebie party.
“Not until we catch Alex. Trust me.”
Gurnee Mills was one of the largest malls in America, but the Crimebago was easy to find, even in the packed parking lot. Phin pulled up behind it, and I knocked three times like Harry instructed.
“Door’s open!” he called from inside.
Upon opening the door, I was greeted by a nasty smell. Not the normal nasty smell I associated with Harry. Something far worse.
“Jesus, Harry, it stinks in here.”
“I’m working on that.”
Harry was in a rumpled suit, stained with wet spots of various colors. He was holding a handful of those cardboard pine-scented car fresheners shaped like Christmas trees. But I wasn’t smelling pine. I was smelling zoo on a hot day.
There was a scream to our left, and I dropped to one knee and struggled to dig my gun out of my purse. When I got it in my hand Harry grabbed my wrist.
“Sis, don’t shoot Slappy!”
Another screech. I followed the sound to a large wire cage. Inside the cage was a monkey. It was light brown, perhaps eight or nine pounds, with large brown eyes and the cutest little monkey face.
I put my gun away.
“This is the extra help you recruited?” I asked.
He nodded, grinning. “He’s a pig-tailed macaque.” Harry said it mack-a-cue.
“I think it’s pronounced ma-kak,” Phin said.
Harry scratched his stubble. “That’s not what Al told me.”
“Al?”
“Al at Al’s Exotic Pets, in Deer Park. He sold him to me this morning.”
“He’s adorable,” I said, meaning it. “Why’d you name him Slappy?”
On cue, the monkey slapped himself on the side of the head. He did this over and over, increasing in speed and force. The sound wasn’t unlike applause.
Harry frowned. “There wasn’t much of a selection down at Al’s. It was either him or another primate I would have named Gassy. He also had some sort of gibbon, missing an arm and both legs.”
“Stumpy?” Phin said.
“More like Sitty. I’ve seen turtles that moved faster. I wonder if he was dead.”
“I think you chose perfectly,” I said.
Slappy screeched again, baring sharp yellow teeth.
“You sure he’s tame?”
“Most of the time. But don’t put your fingers near the cage.”
I knelt down on the carpet to get a closer look. Monkeys always fascinated me, ever since I was a little girl. Blame Curious George.
“Hello, Slappy. I’m Jack.”
Something wet hit me in the cheek. Something wet and brown and horribly stinky.
“Your monkey threw poop at me.”
“He does that. There are baby wipes next to his cage.”
I reached for one, and Slappy managed to pitch another slider, which hit me in the nose.
“I think he’s aiming for my mouth,” I said, mopping my face with baby wipes.
“Are you wearing makeup? He was rescued from a research lab. They tested cosmetics on him. Don’t let him see your lipstick-he gets a little agitated.”
“I’m not wearing-” I dodged left, a monkey turd zinging by my face. He was definitely aiming for my mouth.
“I like him,” Phin said. “He’s spunky.”
Slappy aimed and Phin ducked, dung splattering on the wall.
“Remind me again why you bought this thing,” I said to McGlade.
“I wanted to train him to get me beer and watch sports. But all he does is throw feces, hit himself in the face, and scream. He’s kind of a downer.”
Slappy screamed in agreement. Then he pressed his pelvis against the side of the cage and urinated on the floor. The smell was pee times a hundred, and made me cover my nose.
“He does that too,” McGlade said. “A lot. Al said he knows how to use the toilet.”
The stream arced through the air, landing on Harry’s sofa. Harry picked up a coffee mug that said Don’t Worry Be Happy and tried to catch the stream. I stepped away.
“I think maybe Al lied to you.”
Slappy screeched, then began banging his little monkey head into the side of his cage.
“You should buy him a helmet,” Phin said.
“He came with one. I took it off because I thought it was cruel. Now I’m afraid to get close enough to put it back on.”
I crouched down again, wary of another salvo but determined to make friends.
“I think you just need to learn some manners, and then you’ll be fine,” I told Slappy, keeping my voice soft. “You’re probably just scared. I would be too, living with Harry. But I bet with a few days of training, you’ll be a perfect gentleman.”
Slappy stopped banging his head and made an adorable cooing sound. Then he grabbed his little monkey ding-dong and began to beat off with frightening intensity, keeping his eyes on me the whole time.
Never saw Curious George do that.
I got out of range and busied myself looking for the rifles. They were in the bedroom closet. I checked to make sure they were loaded, safeties on.
“What does he eat?” Phin asked.
“It’s called monkey chow. It’s not that bad. Sort of tastes like meat-flavored charcoal briquettes.”
“You tried it?”
“Yeah. Want some?”
“I’m gonna pass on that one.”
“Slappy hates them. See?”
I carried the rifles back to the main room just as McGlade was bending down, handing Slappy a tan square object the size of a mini candy bar. Slappy took it, screeched, and bounced the food off Harry’s forehead.
“Well, it’s been fun,” I told Harry. “But we’ve got to get going.”
Harry frowned. “But I want to tell you how I found the second phone. It was in the mall, hidden behind a flat-screen TV at Sears. I used my Bluetooth receiver and…”
I kept one eye on Slappy as Harry droned on. The macaque seemed to be temporarily out of bodily fluids, but I didn’t know what his refractory period was.
“That’s brilliant,” I interrupted, “but we really have to hit the road.”
“How about lunch? We can grab some lunch together. Sis?”
“Not hungry,” I said. “Might never be hungry again.”
“Phin?”
“No thanks.”
“Please don’t leave me alone with Slappy,” Harry said.
“Maybe a beer will calm him down.”
“You think?”
“Can’t hurt.”
“How about whiskey? Think a shot of whiskey is too strong?”
“I’d give him a different kind of shot,” Phin said. “One in the head, then a quick funeral wrapped in newspaper.”
Harry stared at Slappy, as if considering it.
“Harry, you can’t kill your monkey.”
That was how my day was going, cautioning people against murder.
“Maybe Al will trade him for the amputee one,” Phin suggested.
“How can a no-legged monkey fetch me beer? Roll it to me?”
“You can tie a little cord to his neck, and he can tug it behind him.” Phin mimed a one-armed primate dragging itself across the floor.
McGlade winced. “That’s not fun. That’s depressing. I wanted a fun pet.”
“You’re right. A pet that throws shit at you is a lot more fun.”
“Maybe a glass cage? Then he couldn’t throw anything.”
“He still could,” Phin said. “It would just cling to the inside walls. You’d have a big brown box.”
“How about some sort of restraining device. Do they make little macaque-size handcuffs?”
Monkey bondage was our cue to leave.
“We gotta go, Harry. I’ll call you later.”
I herded Phin past the monkey cage, giving Slappy a wide berth. He was sitting down, looking vaguely superior, like a king on a throne.