— Whilst our mother let herself fall to pieces, I looked after myself. Luckily for me the winter was coming to an end and things slowly got a little better. Only ten people survived from our village, eleven including you. Other villages were completely dead. When the spring came and the snows thawed they stank, entire villages were rotting and diseased. You couldn’t go near them. But in the winter they were quiet, peaceful, perfectly still. And all through that time I went hunting through the forest, every night, on my own. I followed tracks. I searched for you and called your name, shouted it out to the trees. But you did not return.
As though his brain was slowly digesting the words, breaking them down, Leo asked — his voice hesitant:
— You killed those children because you thought I’d left you?
— I killed them so you would find me. I killed them to make you come home. I killed them as a way of talking to you. Who else would’ve understood the clues from our childhood? I knew you’d follow them to me, just as you’d followed the footprints in the snow. You’re a hunter, Pavel, the best hunter in the world. I didn’t know whether you were militia or not. When I saw that photo of you, I spoke to the staff of Pravda. I asked for your name. I explained that we’d been separated and that I thought your name was Pavel. They said Pavel wasn’t your name and that your details were classified. I begged them to tell me which division you were fighting in. They refused to even answer that. I was a soldier too. Not like you, not a hero, not the elite. But I understood enough to realize you must have been in a special force. I knew from the secrecy regarding your name that there was a strong chance you’d either be in the military or the State Security or the government. I knew you’d be an important person, you couldn’t be anything else. You’d have access to the information regarding these murders. Of course, that didn’t necessarily matter. If I killed enough children, in enough places, I was sure you’d come across my work, whatever your occupation. I was sure you’d realize it was me.
Leo leaned forward. His brother seemed so gentle, his reasoning was so careful. Leo asked:
— Brother, what happened to you?
— You mean after the village? The same thing that happened to everyone: I was conscripted into the army. I lost my glasses in battle, stumbled into German hands. I was caught. I surrendered. When I returned to Russia, having been a prisoner of war, I was arrested, interviewed, beaten. They threatened to send me to prison. I told them, how could I be a traitor when I could hardly see? For six months I had no glasses. The world beyond my own nose was a blur. And every child I saw was you. I should’ve been executed. But the guards used to laugh at me bumping into things. I used to fall over all the time, just as I did as a child. I survived. I was too stupid and clumsy to be a German spy. They called me names, beat me and let me go. I returned here. Even here I was hated and called a traitor. But none of that bothered me. I had you. I concentrated my life on a single task — bringing you back to me.
— So you started murdering?
— I started in this area first. But after six months I had to consider the fact that you might be anywhere in the country. That’s why I got a job as a tolkach, so that I could travel. I needed to leave the signs spread across the whole of our country, signs for you to follow.
— Signs? These were children.
— First I killed animals, catching them as we caught that cat. But it didn’t work. No one paid any attention. No one cared. No one noticed. One day a child stumbled across me in the forest. He asked what I was doing. I explained I was leaving bait. The boy was the same age as you were when you left me. And I realized that child would make a far better bait. People would notice a dead child. You would understand the significance. Why do you think I killed so many children in the winter months? So you’d follow my tracks through the snow. Didn’t you follow my boot prints deep into the forests, just like you followed the cat?
Leo had been listening to his brother’s soft voice as if it was a foreign tongue he could barely understand.
— Andrei, you have a family. I saw your children upstairs, children just like the children you’ve killed. You have two beautiful girls. Can you not understand that what you’ve done is wrong?
— It was necessary.
— No.
Andrei banged the table with his fists, furious.
— Don’t take that tone with me! You have no right to be angry! You never bothered to look for me! You never came back! You knew I was alive and you didn’t care! Forget about stupid clumsy Andrei! He’s nothing to you! You left me behind with a crazy fucking mother and a village full of rotting bodies! You have no right to judge me!
Leo stared at his brother’s face, twisted with anger, suddenly transformed. Was this the face the children saw? What had his brother been through? What impossible horrors? But the time for pity and understanding had long since been passed. Andrei wiped the sweat from his brow.
— It was the only way I could make you find me, the only way I could get your attention. You could’ve looked for me. But you didn’t. You cut me out of your life. You put me out of your mind. The happiest moment of my life was when we caught that cat, together, as a team. When we were together I never felt the world was unfair, even when we had no food, even when it was bitterly cold. But then you went away.
— Andrei, I didn’t leave you. I was taken. I was hit over the head by a man in the woods. I was put in a sack and carried away. I would never have left you.
Andrei was shaking his head.
— That’s what mother said. But it’s a lie. You’d betrayed me.
— I almost died. That man who took me — he was going to kill me. They were going to feed me to their son. But when we arrived at the house, their son had already died. I was concussed. I couldn’t even remember my own name. It took me weeks to recover. By that time I was already in Moscow. We’d left the country behind. They had to find food. I remembered you. I remembered our mother. I remembered our life together. Of course I did. But what was I supposed to do? I had no choice. I had to move on. I’m sorry.
Leo was apologizing.
Andrei picked up the cards and shuffled them.
— You could’ve looked for me when you were older. You could’ve made some effort. I haven’t changed my name. I would’ve been easy to find, particularly for a man in power.
That was true, Leo could’ve found his brother; he could’ve sought him out. He’d tried to bury the past. And now his brother had murdered his way back into his life.
— Andrei, I spent my whole life trying to forget the past. I grew up afraid to confront my new parents. I was afraid to remind them of the past because I was afraid to remind them of the time when they’d wanted to kill me. I used to wake up every night — sweating, terrified — worried that they might have changed their minds and that they might want to kill me again. I did everything in my power to make them love me. It was about survival.
— You always wanted to do things without me, Pavel. You always wanted to leave me behind.
— Do you know why I’ve come here?
— You’ve come to kill me. Why else would a hunter come? After you kill me, I’ll be hated and you’ll be loved. Just like it has always been.