"Why, you are crying!" cried Lubotshka suddenly as she ceased to toy
with his watch-chain and stared at him with her great black eyes.
"Pardon me, darling Papa! I had quite forgotten that it was dear Mamma's
piece which I was playing."
"No, no, my love; play it often," he said in a voice trembling with
emotion. "Ah, if you only knew how much good it does me to share your
tears!"
He kissed her again, and then, mastering his feelings and shrugging
his shoulders, went to the door leading to the corridor which ran past
Woloda's room.
"Waldemar, shall you be ready soon?" he cried, halting in the middle of
the passage. Just then Masha came along.
"Why, you look prettier every day," he said to her. She blushed and
passed on.
"Waldemar, shall you be ready soon?" he cried again, with a cough and a
shake of his shoulders, just as Masha slipped away and he first caught
sight of me.
I loved Papa, but the intellect is independent of the heart, and often
gives birth to thoughts which offend and are harsh and incomprehensible
to the feelings. And it was thoughts of this kind that, for all I strove
to put them away, arose at that moment in my mind.
XXIII. GRANDMAMMA
Grandmamma was growing weaker every day. Her bell, Gasha's grumbling
voice, and the slamming of doors in her room were sounds of constant
occurrence, and she no longer received us sitting in the Voltairian
arm-chair in her boudoir, but lying on the bed in her bedroom, supported
on lace-trimmed cushions. One day when she greeted us, I noticed a
yellowish-white swelling on her hand, and smelt the same oppressive
odour which I had smelt five years ago in Mamma's room. The doctor came
three times a day, and there had been more than one consultation. Yet
the character of her haughty, ceremonious bearing towards all who lived
with her, and particularly towards Papa, never changed in the least. She
went on emphasising certain words, raising her eyebrows, and saying "my
dear," just as she had always done.
Then for a few days we did not see her at all, and one morning St.
Jerome proposed to me that Woloda and I should take Katenka and
Lubotshka for a drive during the hours generally allotted to study.
Although I observed that the street was lined with straw under the
windows of Grandmamma's room, and that some men in blue stockings
[Undertaker's men.] were standing at our gate, the reason never dawned
upon me why we were being sent out at that unusual hour. Throughout
the drive Lubotshka and I were in that particularly merry mood when the
least trifle, the least word or movement, sets one off laughing.
A pedlar went trotting across the road with a tray, and we laughed.
Some ragged cabmen, brandishing their reins and driving at full speed,
overtook our sledge, and we laughed again. Next, Philip's whip got
caught in the side of the vehicle, and the way in which he said, "Bother
the thing!" as he drove to disentangle it almost killed us with mirth.
Mimi looked displeased, and said that only silly people laughed for
no reason at all, but Lubotshka--her face purple with suppressed
merriment--needed but to give me a sly glance, and we again burst out
into such Homeric laughter, when our eyes met, that the tears rushed
into them and we could not stop our paroxysms, although they nearly
choked us. Hardly, again, had we desisted a little when I looked at
Lubotshka once more, and gave vent to one of the slang words which we
then affected among ourselves--words which always called forth hilarity;
and in a moment we were laughing again.
Just as we reached home, I was opening my mouth to make a splendid
grimace at Lubotshka when my eye fell upon a black coffin-cover which
was leaning against the gate--and my mouth remained fixed in its gaping
position.
"Your Grandmamma is dead," said St. Jerome as he met us. His face was
very pale.
Throughout the whole time that Grandmamma's body was in the house I was
oppressed with the fear of death, for the corpse served as a forcible
and disagreeable reminder that I too must die some day--a feeling which
people often mistake for grief. I had no sincere regret for Grandmamma,
nor, I think, had any one else, since, although the house was full of
sympathising callers, nobody seemed to mourn for her from their hearts
except one mourner whose genuine grief made a great impression upon me,
seeing that the mourner in question was--Gasha! She shut herself up in
the garret, tore her hair and refused all consolation, saying that, now
that her mistress was dead, she only wished to die herself.
I again assert that, in matters of feeling, it is the unexpected effects
that constitute the most reliable signs of sincerity.
Though Grandmamma was no longer with us, reminiscences and gossip about
her long went on in the house. Such gossip referred mostly to her will,
which she had made shortly before her death, and of which, as yet, no
one knew the contents except her bosom friend, Prince Ivan Ivanovitch.
I could hear the servants talking excitedly together, and making
innumerable conjectures as to the amount left and the probable
beneficiaries: nor can I deny that the idea that we ourselves were
probably the latter greatly pleased me.
Six weeks later, Nicola--who acted as regular news-agent to the
house--informed me that Grandmamma had left the whole of her fortune to
Lubotshka, with, as her trustee until her majority, not Papa, but Prince
Ivan Ivanovitch!
XXIV. MYSELF
Only a few months remained before I was to matriculate for the
University, yet I was making such good progress that I felt no
apprehensions, and even took a pleasure in my studies. I kept in good
heart, and learnt my lessons fluently and intelligently. The faculty
I had selected was the mathematical one--probably, to tell the truth,
because the terms "tangent," "differentials," "integrals," and so forth,
pleased my fancy.
Though stout and broad-shouldered, I was shorter than Woloda, while my
ugliness of face still remained and tormented me as much as ever. By way
of compensation, I tried to appear original. Yet one thing comforted
me, namely, that Papa had said that I had "an INTELLIGENT face." I quite
believed him.
St. Jerome was not only satisfied with me, but actually had taken to
praising me. Consequently, I had now ceased to hate him. In fact, when,
one day, he said that, with my "capacities" and my "intellect," it would
be shameful for me not to accomplish this, that, or the other thing, I
believe I almost liked him.
I had long ago given up keeping observation on the maidservants' room,
for I was now ashamed to hide behind doors. Likewise, I confess that
the knowledge of Masha's love for Basil had greatly cooled my ardour
for her, and that my passion underwent a final cure by their marriage--a
consummation to which I myself contributed by, at Basil's request,
asking Papa's consent to the union.
When the newly-married couple brought trays of cakes and sweetmeats to
Papa as a thank-offering, and Masha, in a cap with blue ribbons, kissed
each of us on the shoulder in token of her gratitude, I merely noticed
the scent of the rose pomade on her hair, but felt no other sensation.