At last this comrade of Blucher's left our house, after a quarrel with my father; and I was not troubled further with Germans.
During the time of the warrior from Brunswick-Wolfenbiittel, I sometimes visited a family of boys, who were also under the charge of a German ; and we took long walks together. The two Germans were friends. But, when my German departed, I was left once more in complete solitude. I disliked it and tried hard to escape from it, but without success. As I was powerless to overcome my father's wishes, I should, perhaps, have been crushed by this kind of life ; but I was soon saved by a new form of mental activity, and by two new acquaintances, of whom I shall speak in the next chapter. I am sure that it never once occurred to my father what sort of life he was forcing me to lead ; or else he would not have vetoed my very innocent wishes and the very natural requests which I put to him.
He let me go occasionally to the French Theatre with my uncle.
This was a supreme enjoyment to me. I was passionately fond of the theatre; but even this treat cost me as much pain as pleasure.
u. i.e., Wellington.
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M y uncle often arrived when the play was half over ; and, as he was always engaged for some party, he often took me out before the end. The theatre was quite close to our house; but I was strictly forbidden by my father to come horne alone.
1 2
I was about fifteen when my father summoned a priest to the house to teach me as much Divinity as was required for entrance at the University. I had read Voltaire before I ever opened the Catechism. In the business of education, religion is less obtrusive in Russia than in any other country ; and this is, of course, a very good thing. A priest is always paid half the usual fee for lessons in Divinity; and, if the same priest also teaches Latin, he actually gets more for a Latin lesson than for instruction in the Catechism.
My father looked upon religion as one of the indispensable attributes of a gentleman. It was necessary to accept Holy Scripture without discussion, because mere intellect is powerless in that department, and the subject is only made darker by human logic. It was necessary to submit to such rites as were required by the Church into which you were born ; but you must avoid excessive piety, which is suitable for women of advanced age but improper for a man. Was he himself a believer ? I imagine that he believed to some extent, from habit, from a sense of decency, and just in case -. But he never himself observed any of the rules laid down by the Church, excusing himself on the plea of bad health. He hardly ever admitted a priest to his presence, or asked him to repeat a psalm while waiting in the empty drawing-room for the five-rouble note which was his fee. In winter he excused himself on the plea that the priest and his clerk brought in so much cold air with them that he always caught cold in consequence. In the country, he went to church and received the priest at his house ; but this was not due to religious feeling but rather a concession to the ideas of society and the wishes of Government.
My mother was a Lutheran, and, as such, a degree more religious. Once or twice a month she went on Sundays to her place of worship - her Kirche, as Bakay persisted in calling it, and I, for want of occupation, went with her. I learned there to imitate with great perfection the flowery style of the German pastors, and I had not lost this art when I carne to manhood.
My father always made me keep Lent. I rather dreaded con-
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fession, and church ceremonies in general were impressive and awful to me. The Communion Service caused me real fear ; but 1
shall not call that religious feeling : it was the fear which is always inspired by the unintelligible and mysterious, especially when solemn importance is attached to the mystery. When Easter brought the end of the Fast, I ate all the Easter dishes - dyed eggs, currant loaf, and consecrated cakes, and thought no more about religion for the rest of the year.
Yet I often read the Gospel, both in Slavonic and in Luther's translation, and loved it. I read it without notes of any kind and could not understand all of it, but I felt a deep and sincere reverence for the book. In my early youth, I was often attracted by the Voltairian point of view - mockery and irony were to my taste; but I don't remember ever taking up the Gospel with indifference or hostility. This has accompanied me throughout life : at all ages and in all variety of circumstances, I have gone back to the reading of the Gospel, and every time its contents have brought down peace and gentleness into my heart.
When-the priest began to give me lessons, he was astonished, not merely at my general knowledge of the Gospel but also at my power of quoting texts accurately. 'But', he used to say, 'the Lord God, who has opened the mind, has not yet opened the heart.'
My theological instructor shrugged his shoulders and was surprised by the inconsistency he found in me ; still he was satisfied with me, because he thought I should be able to pass my examination.
A religion of a different kind was soon to take possession of my heart and mind.
CHAPTER III
Death of Alexander I - The Fourteenth of December - Moral Awakening - Bouchot - My Cousin 1
O N E winter evening my uncle came to our house at an unusual hour. He looked anxious and walked with a quick step to my father's study, after signing to me to stay in the drawing-room.
Fortunately, I was not obliged to puzzle my head long over
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the mystery. The door o f the servants' hall opened a little way, and a red face, half hidden by the wolf-fur of a livery coat, invited me to approach ; it was my uncle's footman, and I hastened to the door.
'Have you not heard ?' he asked.
'Heard what ?'
'The Tsar is dead. He died at Taganrog.'
I was impressed by the news : I had never before thought of the possibility of his death. I had been brought up in great reverence for Alexander, and I thought with sorrow how I had seen him not long before in Moscow. We were out walking when we met him outside the Tver Gate; he was riding slowly, accompanied by two or three high officers, on his way back from manoeuvres. His face was attractive, the features gentle and rounded, and his expression was weary and sad. When he caught us up, I took off my hat; he smiled and bowed to me.
Confused ideas were still simmering in my head ; the shops were selling pictures of the new Tsar, Constantine ; notices about the oath of allegiance were circulating ; and good citizens were making haste to take the oath - when suddenly a report spread that the Crown Prince had abdicated. Immediately afterwards, the same footman, a great lover of political news, with abundant opportunities for collecting it from the servants of senators and lawyers - less lucky than the horses which rested for half the day, he accompanied his master in his rounds from morning till night - informed me that there was a revolution in Petersburg and that cannon were firing in the capital.