Stuart had hidden and survived. Deak, who was loving and sensitive, had been caught in the coils; neither his humor nor his grace had served when the drugs came like a punishing wind to sweep away all the unprotected children. Abstemious Stuart did just fine.
So, to please, no doubt unconsciously, as a part of his uncanny repertoire, Stuart would perform his Deak impression and glow with a kindly fire not his own. That had been Deak’s when Deak was healthy and favored.
Walker crumpled up the letter and thought of Deak, his passionately loved, his angel.
Faint with anguish, he stood up and walked to the window. If — perhaps, only to speculate — he went through it and over the balcony, the pain would stop. He could do it any number of ways.
If he went out he would be killing Deak. Deak would eventually follow him, in that as in everything. Probably he would be killing Stuart as well. Stuart would prosper, have his fame and fortune, but time would bring him down. You could not make his kind of adjustment without paying in the end.
So there could be no question of leaps or lethal measures. The luxury of abandoning hope was not available to him. Hope might make a fool of him and compound his grief, but he was bound to it as much as the next man. For his sons, himself, even his marriage. He leaned against a cornice beside the balcony window and took deep hopeful breaths, his eyes closed. It was a matter of inner resources. It was a matter of getting through the day.
When he was ready for the road again, Walker checked himself out of the San Epifanio Beach and drove back to the San Diego Freeway. Within an hour he was at the boat basin north of Rosa Point.
He found a spot in the club parking lot and got out and walked along the dockside. The rain had stopped; pale sunshine was filtering through the low cloud. A party fishing boat rode at anchor off the point but the sea was still rough and there were few sailboats out. A stiff wind from the bay rattled the wire rigging of the boats at moor, banging stays against masts in a ceaseless tintinnabulation.
One of the dozens of powerboats tied up in the basin was a forty-foot Chris-Craft rigged with a pulpit; the legend SAM THE MAN was inscribed on her brightly finished after woodwork. Walker halted beside the boat, braced against a piling and called down into the cabin.
“Quinn?”
A portly sandy-haired man, deeply tanned, came up from the cabin and squinted up at Walker. He was bare-chested and powerfully built, although a slab of gut hung down over the waist of his dungarees. There was a red neckerchief at his throat.
“Hey, Gordo,” he said, and wiped his mouth as though he were hiding a smile.
“Hello, Sam.”
“You want a drink?”
“I want some cold water,” Walker said.
Quinn ducked back into the cabin and emerged with two bottles of clear liquid. One he handed up to Walker; the second he upended and drank from deeply.
“Want to give me a ride, Gordo? Figure you were on your way up to the ranch anyhow, right?”
“Sure,” Walker said.
They went back to Walker’s car and took off along the coast road. A few miles south of the point they passed a crescent beach tucked between cliffs; offshore twenty or so leonine surfers sat their boards in the chop, waiting for a wave. Walker pulled over and they got out, walking through ice plant that was littered with beer cans and cellophane bags.
“Little fuckers go on forever,” Quinn said.
Walker stopped near the edge of the cliff and lit a cigarette.
“I had a fantasy once,” Quinn said. “I’d get a net a quarter mile wide. I’d get a dragger, a galleon with black sails.” He turned to Walker, who had hunkered down in the brush. “Under cover of the fog I’d come in, see, and I’d play out my net and I’d catch the young turkeys and haul ’em in. Fill my hold with ’em. Boys. Girls. Don’t matter.” He reached into his pants pocket, took out a joint and lit it. “Work the coast clear from Mendocino to Imperial Beach. Then, when I had a load, I’d sail the whole mess to Jidda. Sell ’em as slaves to the Arabs.”
Walker declined the joint when it was offered, knowing how strong it would prove.
“You told Lu Anne about that plan,” Walker said. “She told me.”
“Sweet thing,” Quinn said. “She’s working down in B.H.”
“I know,” Walker said. “I’m going to see her.”
Quinn grinned at him with a sidewise glance. One of the caps on the man’s front teeth had a gold death’s-head design worked into it.
“Fine woman. You kiss her for me, man.”
They got back in the car and drove until the highway was intersected by a dirt road, running between rows of glass commercial greenhouses. They turned off there. After the last greenhouse there were rows of avocado trees and then the road began to climb, ascending one side of a canyon. Yellow tule grass grew on the crest of the hills. On the inland slopes there were live oak and cactus. Their road crossed and recrossed dry riverbeds and tributary canyons until it ended at a cattle grid. A wooden ranch fence held a sign that read: DANGER NERVOUS GUN FREAK. There was another sign that said: TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED. Beyond the fence was a grove of cotton-woods and beyond the trees an old white frame farmhouse with an attendant barn and duck pond.
Walker parked in front of the barn, alongside a dusty Bentley which was missing a wheel.
“Everything pretty much as usual?” he asked Quinn.
“Yes and no,” the big man said. “Little of this, little of that. What’s up with you?”
Walker told him that his wife had left for London, about the play in Seattle and his plan to visit Lu Anne. Quinn nodded curt approval.
“Connie was always bourgeoise.”
“Connie was a fucking hero,” Walker said.
The pain of loss he felt when he thought of her quite surprised him. He had only begun to realize that he had seen the last of her heroics and that she would not be coming back to him.
For years he had survived through her calm resolution and good sense; suddenly she had used them in her interest. He had not expected that. It seemed like betrayal to him.
For his part, he had never stopped loving her. Now he would have to force her out of his mind, confine her to the interior white space that held all those elements of his life too painful to consider. He could manage it, he thought; he was tough and selfish enough.
As he grew older, the number of things he sought to banish from his consciousness increased and so did his skill at keeping them in isolation.
“Whatever you think, Gordo.”
Behind the house was a small field with a dog pen, a fenced corral and an overgrown garden enclosed by strands of wire. Empty milk jugs were tied at intervals along the wire to stir on the breeze. It was close and warm in the hollow where the ranch was; hills shut out the ocean wind. The sky overhead was clear.
Walker and Quinn took chairs on the back porch.
“Lu Anne,” Quinn said reflectively. “She’s all right. I was glad to hear she’s working again.”
“She’s a lead,” Walker said. “My script.”
“Yeah, I heard all that.” He rocked slowly back and forth, watching his guest. “How’s her head?”
“I haven’t seen her much,” Walker said. “What else have you heard?”
Quinn shrugged. “Not a lot. That she married a doctor years back. A shrink. Probably handy for her to have one at home.”