She felt the gaps in the awareness as well, the broken and simply missing bits of the world, the ones with which all contact had been severed. They ached strangely, a numb kind of pins-and-needles emptiness that unsettled her to the core.
So this was what it meant to be the Chief Engineer of a restored world. Restored and crippled in the same blow, and Caitlin was old enough to find the irony bitterly amusing.
The price--in lives, in materials, in the integrity of the world--had been too high. But it had been paid nonetheless, and now the debt must be serviced.
Inside this pod slept a woman Caitlin had known for centuries, beside whom Caitlin had worked, whose child Caitlin had adopted as her own before that child gave up her life and her existence to stop Arianrhod's plan. Merely by living, the woman in this pod consumed resources better put to use by those who had not betrayed Engine, and Caitlin, and Samael, and the very iron world that cupped them in its warm embrace, holding the Enemy at bay. A woman whose body contained carbon and salt and organic compounds. She could be useful, repurposed as part of the air they breathed, the walls that kept them.
Caitlin didn't need her hands to change the tank settings any more than she needed her eyes to see inside. But there was a certain dignity imparted by being physically present when she made this choice. An acknowledgment that it was momentous.
And that, she hoped, was the difference between herself and her father.
She rested her fingertips on the override.
"Chief Engineer?"
A familiar voice, but full of unfamiliar inflections. She jerked her hand to her side, torn muscle and stressed bone protesting, and turned on the balls of her feet. Beneath her opened visor, she looked out at the dark curls and arched brows that had once belonged to her half brother.
But Oliver Conn was dead, and the person who wore his resurrected body now was someone from the Moving Times. She had never known Oliver: he was a Conn, but he was a young Conn, and Caitlin had been dead to her family for three or four times his life span. Still, he bore the family stamp, so for a moment Caitlin wondered why it was that all her siblings had chosen to look so like Alasdair their father, the dead Commodore.
Whatever evils Arianrhod and her daughter Ariane had accomplished, they had at least succeeded in destroying Alasdair. The act might have bought them more sympathy from Caitlin if they had not tortured, crippled, and nearly killed Perceval to do so.
"Chief Engineer?" the young man who had been Oliver Conn said again.
Caitlin realized she had been staring. "Yes?"
The resurrectee swallowed, eyes wide. Did she awe him? Was it cruel of her to find it funny if she did? "Prince Benedick sent me with a message. He asks that you return to Central Engineering as soon as possible."
Not as soon as is convenient, which is what Benedick would say if it truly were not urgent. He would send a messenger rather than calling her directly. Coward.
"What is your name?" Caitlin said.
"Jsutien," he answered, with a stammer. "Damian Jsutien. I was an astrogator."
"Jsutien," she echoed, to fix the sound of it in her symbiont's memory. "It's good you brought the message in person."
He nodded.
She pressed the override shutdown on Arianrhod's tank. It depressed with a solid click. With her code key, she locked it out. "Watch this," she said, as status lights began to blink from green and yellow to orange and red. "When the tank is quiescent, give it thirty minutes and mark the contents for recycling. Do you understand?"
"Thirty minutes after shutdown, mark the contents," he repeated.
"Report to me when it's done." She smiled and patted his shoulder before she turned away. Though she left, still she carried the feed in her head: Arianrhod drifting in her acceleration tank, eyes closed, skin pale and blue-gray. One by one, the lights cycled to red.
The short return walk through battered corridors disheartened her. Shredded vegetation browned underfoot and hung ragged from rent bulkheads. Insects scurried in advance of her steps, racing from leaf to leaf, seeking cover. A darter flashed from the tangled vines on the wall to snatch up a wriggling centipede, then vanished again in a flash of indigo feathers. So some of the world's ecosystem had survived the transition, even unprotected. A little encouragement among the ruins.
And there were materials for cloning. The world could be rejuvenated. The work was daunting, but it could be done.
When she emerged into the great Heaven of Engine, she tried to focus her gaze directly forward. The city surrounded her--a great hollow sphere with every surface knobbled with shattered structures. Debris drifted freely and the air was thin and cold. Gravity was a lower priority than oxygen, so even where she floated, the atmosphere was sufficient to sustain Exalted life. The unsecured debris was a threat, but she had no resources now that could be detailed to secure it.
Caitlin did not regret the decision to Exalt every living thing in the world. Nothing Mean would have survived the acceleration--or the radiation of the supernova that had boosted the world back into flight. Infecting them with symbionts--even new and fragile symbionts that must struggle to become established even as they struggled with the damaged bodies of their hosts--was preferable to watching them all die.
It had been a fighting chance.
Failed gravity made it easier to reach Central Engineering. Caitlin spread her hands, sealed her helm, and used the attitude jets to nudge herself gently across the cavernous space, fending off debris with a raised and armored hand. Catch bars on the far side eased her touchdown. She swung her feet through a hatch that opened to her nonverbal command. When the gravity on the far side caught her, she twisted to drop into a crouch.
Central Engineering was a shambles of broken panels and shattered furniture. In the midst of it stood Benedick Conn, alone, wearing his armor against the potential of a hull breach. He bent over the main navigation tank, hands gliding with assembly-robot grace as he effected repairs. He was assisted by a quiet-eyed toolkit that looked something like a cat and something like a lemur with enormously elongated forelimbs. Its ringed tail twitched; its focus was total. Spotted gold-black fur rippled over its flanks as it reached deep into the guts of the tank.
Once it, too, had had a name and a personality. It had been a small independent life. Now it was but a thing--obedient, versatile, and consumed in the greater awareness of the world's new angel.
Caitlin unsealed her faceplate, thought of Rien, and chose not to wince in front of Benedick. When she stood, pain shot up both legs to the hip, but she would not permit that to show in her face either. She pushed to her feet on fragile bone, half healed, the persistence of her symbiont maintaining its integrity. If she kept dealing it setbacks, it would only take that much longer to repair her. She needed to discipline herself--not to push through the pain, but to sit still for it.
As still as Arianrhod, still drifting--and dying--in her tank. It would be better this way. It would be better still if Tristen thought she had died in the acceleration, when he came to find out.
"I have contact with Tristen on the bridge," Benedick said in as much of a greeting as she was likely to get.