Over the years, I’d learned that people deceive each other in many ways. By hiding: secreting clothes and money under the bed so you can escape, as I had done. By destroying: tearing up receipts so your husband doesn’t see what you spent on that new pair of shoes, as Irene had done. By changing the topic: “Good show tonight, dear?” as Eddie had asked Helen after he’d spent a night carousing. By outright lying: “I’m Chinese,” when actually you were Japanese, as Ruby and Ida had done. But the best-and easiest-is simply to keep your mouth shut. You tell yourself, “This isn’t a good moment” or “We’ll talk about it later.” People recite those inanities, but that doesn’t make them any less liars, cheats, or deceivers, which is how I managed to get dressed, ramble five blocks with Ruby and Helen to the studio to practice our routine for the last time, then walk to the China Doll and get ready for the night’s shows without mentioning that I’d seen Joe, what he’d said just a few hours earlier, or that he’d be in the club for the third show when we performed.
My omissions left me jumpy and on edge. After the first show, I went to Helen’s dressing room. Eddie had sent Tommy a new set of tin soldiers, and he was lining them up in neat rows on the floor. I sat on a stool to watch, but I nervously clicked my Oriental Danseuse nails against each other to the point that Helen said, “Stop worrying. We’re going to be great tomorrow.”
The second show was swell. When Ruby’s cue came for the third show, I followed her to the curtain. I watched as she slipped off her kimono, picked up her fans for her last performance of the night, and sidled onstage into her blue light. I peeked out at the house and spotted Joe. He appeared mesmerized by Ruby and her feathers. The smell of her gardenias seemed to waft through the club like a dark vapor. Could that same old triangle of Ruby, Joe, and me ever be broken? Would I ever be able to forget that they’d been together? I was a grown woman-a famous woman-but an impulse to flee gnawed at my insides. This time I was determined to stay and fight.
Ruby’s act ended, and she swept offstage right past me-her ostrich feathers caressing my face, arms, and breasts. I needed to tell her about Joe-he was mine-but there wasn’t time. I heard the music for my routine. I lifted my hands, extending my absurdly long nails, and let my feet carry me onstage. My mind churned with visions of Ruby and her feathers and Joe’s expression as he’d watched her dance. Now it seemed as though all the things that made him the man I loved had drained from his face. Through the laughter, the clink of champagne glasses, and the happy sighs of the club; above the band, cutting through the sound of my feet padding across the stage, my breathing and the beat of my heart-but surely it was my imagination-I heard Joe’s chair scrape across the floor as he pushed himself away from the table. He lurched from the room. Was he running from me again? Or was he running to Ruby?
Onstage, all I could do was keep counting in my head-one, two, three, four-and finish my number. I didn’t stay for my second or third bows. Instead, I ran to Ruby’s dressing room. I opened the door to find Helen wiping off Ruby’s makeup and Tommy on the floor with his toy soldiers. I shrugged as if I’d made a mistake.
“Don’t bother with me. I’ll see you in a couple of minutes.” I retraced my route, feeling confused and worried. Where had Joe gone? Had seeing Ruby dance changed his mind about me? I entered my dressing room, and there he was, sitting on the bench before my mirror, holding a rose he’d plucked from one of my bouquets. I felt like I was able to breathe again-from relief… and gratitude.
“All the husbands are returning to their Rosies,” he began. “Those women don’t realize that the men who went away are not the same as they once were.” He glanced past my shoulder into the hallway, struggling with his emotions. “Grace, the things I saw. The things I did.”
The years without him completely fell away, as did my doubts. Whatever he’d done-or not done-to hurt me in the past no longer mattered. He was my future. He’d always been my future.
“Whatever you have in you, I can take,” I said.
“This thing”-he tapped his artificial leg-“isn’t good enough for what I’m about to ask, so I hope you’ll accept me where I am.” He inhaled. Held it. Then, “I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I’ve wasted a lot of time. I love you. I don’t want another minute to go by without you. Grace, will you marry me?”
I didn’t hesitate. I’d been waiting for the question for so long. “Yes.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, unwilling to accept my answer so readily. “Are you willing to give up everything for me when you’ve already seen my weaknesses and stupidity?”
“Yes,” I said as I kneeled before him.
“I’ll never be able to dance with you, Grace. Not like we danced before.”
“We’ll do the box step.”
“If we get married, neither of us can ever run away again-emotionally… or otherwise.” He rapped a knuckle on his leg. I saw him then as so vulnerable. He was telling me he was committed, but he needed me to be as well.
“I love you, Joe. I always have.”
He took that in. Then, “We won’t have the moon, Grace, but we can be happy-”
Such movie talk!
“Let’s get out of here. Let’s never look back.” He whistled the opening bars to Kay Kyser’s newest hit. I’d love to get you on a slow boat to China, all to myself alone. “Come with me now. Don’t pack. Don’t say goodbye. We’ll get out of here and go to San Francisco. I’ll go to Stanford or back to Cal to finish up at Boalt.”
In that moment, I knew I’d won the prize I’d always wanted: love. I loved him so much I would suffer anything for him. I loved him more than my own life, I realized. Yet this was the moment when the two things I’d dreamed about for so long-love and stardom-collided. And I wasn’t willing to give up either.
“I didn’t have a chance to tell you this morning, but Ruby, Helen, and I are going to be on a television show tomorrow. I can’t back out now. I need to be there for them.”
He had just proposed and asked me to run away with him this instant, but now his eyes burned with disappointment.
I tried to explain. “They’re my friends…”
“And you want this.”
I bowed my head and nodded. But how could I be ashamed when this opportunity might be the greatest of my life?
I got up, opened my purse, and handed Joe a ticket for tomorrow’s show. “I hope you’ll come.”
He held the ticket in his hands and stared at it wordlessly. Finally, he reached up to me with his eyes. What I saw in them was sure and true. He was happy for me. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“I love you,” I said.
“I’m nuts about you too, Grace.”
With that, he used his cane to stand, and he limped out of my dressing room.
I took a deep breath, sucking in happiness, releasing worry. I loved Joe more than dancing, but what about Ruby? I didn’t want to hurt her in case she still had feelings for him. Play it light, and it might go easier.
I didn’t bother to change. I walked down the hall to Ruby’s dressing room, hesitated before the closed door to brace myself, and then entered. Helen wore a pale pink cotton sweater set with a light gray skirt that came midcalf. She was on her knees, having just finished removing Ruby’s body makeup. Ruby leaned in to the mirror, smoothing cream under her eyes. She was dressed in her kimono and gardenias. Tommy sat in the corner, making his first battle moves with his soldiers. I swallowed and clicked each of my nails from the pinkies to my index fingers once against my thumbs as the three of them turned to look at me.