She nods, "For now. I'll be leaving in March."
"Transferring?" I ask.
"No," she says, "I'm going to Mars. I'm going to join a commune called Jingshen." She says it flatly, without excitement, watching my reaction.
"Shentong de shen?" I ask. Which meaning of jingshen? It can mean 'essence' or 'profound' or a host of other things.
"Vigor," she says, which sounds like a Cleansing Winds name.
"I remember you were always interested in communes," I say lamely, wondering why anyone would go to Mars, wondering if she has any idea what it will be like. Of course, she has moved before, when she was a girl and her family came from China, but surely she doesn't realize how wrenching it will be to exile herself from home.
"You look like you are doing well," she says.
"I've been studying in China, I've only been back a week."
She asks the usual questions, where in China, what did I study. She's changed, she seems older. She is older, it's been four years since I saw San-xiang, she must be, what, twenty-six?
"Let's go get coffee," I suggest.
She hesitates a moment then shrugs. "All right."
We find a place to get coffee on the concourse between the Atlantic and Pacific stops. It's a depressing little place that, like most places in the subway, never sees sunlight. We sit down at metal tables with pressed simulated wood grain. "How is your father?" I ask.
She smiles. "About the same. Still believes he has the right to run everybody's life."
We don't talk about the last time we saw each other, when her father came to collect her at my apartment, but we do talk a little about kite racing. The conversation lags.
"Why are you going to Mars?" I ask.
"I've been corresponding with someone there for years," she says. I admire the philosophy of the commune, it is a good compromise between the ideal and the practical. I think it would be a good thing to start over in a place where people pay attention to what is important."
It's a set speech, she must say this a lot. "So you'll go alone?"
"Yes," she says, a little defiantly, "they'll be my community."
"What does your family think?" I am sure Foreman Qian has not taken this quietly.
"They're adjusting to the idea," she says, evasively.
The conversation sputters again, we both sip our drinks. We were strangers when we met, strangers when we parted, we are strangers now.
"What are you doing," she asks, "now that you are back from China?"
"I don't know. Waiting until I get my life in order. I have to go to the Office of Occupational Resources and see about getting a job."
"Here in New York?" she says.
"Oh yeah." I say. "I found out in China, I'm really a New Yorker." I laugh, "Even if it is a dump."
She doesn't say anything to that and I remember again that San-xiang is Chinese. I don't think of her that way, she's been here so long. If she could, would she go back to China? I wonder if she'd find it foreign, she's been here for longer than she lived there.
I try to think of something to say, the only thing I can think of is to tell her how nice she looks, and I'm not sure whether I should say that or not.
"I'm sure you're very busy," San-xiang says.
"Oh," I say, "not so busy, but I know you're working and you don't have much free time."
Politely we dance through the formulas of ending, of parting. We walk back to the platform and say things like, "It was really good to see you again."
The trains, of course, don't come and we are left hanging there gracelessly.
"You know," San-xiang says suddenly, "I'm sorry about the way it worked out, but I'm glad we went out together."
"I enjoyed your company," I say.
"Was it because of my face?" she asks.
"Was what because of your face?" I say, knowing I don't want to hear her question.
"That you couldn't really like me?"
I could say that I did like her, but that isn't what she means. I look up, the board says her train is coming in. I want to explain, but I don't know how she will react, if she'll be disgusted. It is hard to break silence, it's a habit not to.
"Was it because you're only part Chinese?" she asks.
Her train slams into the station, cushions to a stop. "Good luck on Mars," I say, as people push around us. I am unable to think of how to answer her, of what to say. She has pretty eyes, now, turned up at me, asking, what is so wrong with her that I wouldn't do the dance, the dance that men and women are supposed to do? She starts to duck her head, to get on the train.
I touch her arm, "San-xiang," I say, "it didn't have anything to do with you."
Her face is closed. It sounds like everything else I have said to her, a polite lie to escape feelings. The doors will close any time now. "San-xiang, I'm gay," I say, and gently push her on.
She stops in the door and looks back at me, looking in my face, while her mouth shapes the word. She doesn't understand right away. Then as the doors close I see a look of wonder as she begins to realize. The train starts up, accelerates away. I hope that in this moment she feels some sort of absolution, some understanding that it was not her lack.
I am relieved that I didn't have to see if that look of wonder was followed by disgust. And now, I tell myself, it doesn't matter anyway.
I get back to Peter's flat and there's a call. I barely catch it, slap the console. I am looking at the reason that I have to find another place to live.
"Hello," says the reason, "is Peter there?"
I glance at the clock. "He's running a little late, probably stopped for something," I say.
"Tell him Cinnabar called," he says.
"Sure," I say and he cuts the connection. So now I know his name. Peter is involved, a fact he keeps secret from me. It is hard to come back and find that Peter is in love. I've been gone on and off for four years, and I had thought, maybe, when I came back, that Peter and I could try again, that we've matured and now maybe it will work. But I never said anything to him, and he never said anything to me. It probably wouldn't have worked for all of the same reasons it didn't before. And now we're good friends.
This Cinnabar, he seems, well, short. I don't know how to explain how someone looks short on a monitor, but he does. I think he's a flyer. Peter always had a thing about fliers. He's not very good looking, I'm a lot better looking than he is. He seems nice. If he seemed like a son of a bitch it would be different. (Different from what, Zhang?)
I've hardly been home a week, and my life is so complicated already. Peter's flat is so small; tiny kitchen, main room, bedroom. I'm sleeping on the couch, which isn't very comfortable (I wake up some mornings without having the slightest idea where I am.) I should stay here, save my little bit of money left over from my Wuxi salary, wait until I get a job placement, but I don't know how long I can stand living here. I have to get out. I can't stand Peter pretending I don't complicate his life, I can't stand any of this.
"Hey, Rafael," Peter is at the door, balancing the canvas bag he uses for groceries. "Did you clean the flat?"
"And painted."
He looks around, "And you matched the old color exactly, down to the smudges."
"Hey," I call as he disappears into the kitchen, "I'm an engineer."
"Pijiu?" He tosses me a beer. "There, shook it for you."
"Cinnabar called," I say.
He comes back around the door again. "Oh yeah?" Not knowing what to say or how to act. Even though it's July, he's wearing the yellow jacket I sent him from China, shining with silk thread, embroidered with long-life medallions and stylized phoenix. Everybody wears jackets all the time. Fashion.