`Oh, that's it,' I said maliciously. `I thought you were with the carnival.’
Polite laughter; heh, heh, heh.
I held out a yellow plastic glove. 'Vianne Rocker. And the bombardier back there is my daughter Anouk.’
Sounds of soap explosions, and of Anouk fighting Pantoufle on the stairs. I could hear the priest waiting for details of Monsieur Rocker. So much easier to have everything on a piece of paper, everything official, avoid this uncomfortable, messy conversation.
`I suppose you are very busy this morning.’
I suddenly felt sorry for him, trying so hard, straining to make contact. Again the forced smile. `Yes, we really need to get this place in order as soon as possible. It's going to take time! But we wouldn't have been at church this morning anyway, Monsieur le Curd. We don't attend, you know.’
It was kindly meant, to show him where we stood, to reassure him; but he looked startled, almost insulted.
`I see.’
It was too direct. He would have liked us to dance a little, to circle each other like wary cats.
`But it's very kind, of you to welcome us,' I continued brightly. `You might even be able to help us make a few friends here.’
He is a little like a cat himself, I notice; cold, light eyes which never hold the gaze, a restless watchfulness, studied, aloof.
`I'll do anything I can.’
He is indifferent now he knows we are not to be members of his flock. And yet his conscience pushes him to offer more than he is willing to give. `Have you anything in mind?’
`Well, we could do with some help here,' I suggested. `Not you, of course' – quickly, as he began to reply. `But perhaps you know someone who could do with the extra money? A plasterer, someone who might be able to help with the decorating?’
This was surely safe territory.
`I can't think of anyone.’
He is guarded, more so than anyone I have ever met. `But I'll ask around.’
Perhaps he will. He knows his duty to the new arrival. But I know he will not find anyone. His is not, a nature which grants favours graciously. His eyes flicked warily to the pile of bread and salt by the door.
`For luck.’ I smiled, but his face was stony. He skirted the little offering as if it offended him.
`Maman?’ Anouk's head appeared in the doorway, hair standing out in crazy spikes. `Pantoufle wants to play outside. Can we?’
I nodded. `Stay in the garden.’
I wiped a smudge of dirt from the bridge of her nose. `You look a complete urchin.’
I saw her glance at the priest and caught her comical look just in time. `This is Monsieur Reynaud, Anouk. Why don't you say hello?’
`Hello!' shouted Anouk on the way to the door. `Goodbye!' A blur of yellow jumper and red overalls and she was gone, her feet skidding manically on the greasy tiles. Not for the first time, I was almost sure I saw Pantoufle disappearing in her wake, a darker smudge against the dark lintel.
`She's only six,' I said by way of explanation.
Reynaud gave a tight, sour smile, as if his first glimpse of my daughter confirmed every one of his suspicions about me.
›››16-17
allow myself this one indulgence. Your mouth is as closely sealed, mon pere, as that of the confessional. Your ears are always open, your heart always kind. For an hour I can lay aside the burden. I can be fallible.
We have a new parishioner. A Vianne Rocher, a widow, I take it, with a young child. Do you remember old Blaireau's bakery? Four years since he died, and the place has been going to ruin ever since. Well, she has taken the lease on it, and hopes to reopen by the end of the week. I don't expect it to last. We already have Poitou 's bakery across the square, and, besides, she'll never fit in. A pleasant enough woman, but she has nothing in common with us. Give her two months, and she'll be back to the city where she belongs. Funny, I never did find out where she was from. Paris, I expect, or maybe even across the border. Her accent is pure, almost too pure for a Frenchwoman, with the clipped vowels of the North, though her eyes suggest Italian or Portuguese descent, and her skin… But I didn't really see her. She worked in the bakery all yesterday and today. There is a sheet of orange plastic over the window, and occasionally she or her little wild daughter appears to tip a bucket of dirty water into the gutter, or to talk animatedly with some workman or other. She has an odd facility for acquiring helpers. Though I offered to assist her, I doubted whether she would find many of our villagers willing. And yet I saw Clairmont early this morning, carrying a load of wood, then Pourceau with his ladders. Poitou sent some furniture; I saw him carrying an armchair across the square with the furtive look of a man who does not wish to be seen. Even that ill-tempered backbiter Narcisse, who flatly refused to dig over the churchyard last November, went over there with his tools to tidy up her garden. This morning at about eight-forty a delivery van arrived in front of the shop. Duplessis, who was walking his dog at the usual time, was just passing at that moment, and she called him over to help her unload. I could see he was startled by the request – for a second I was almost certain he would refuse – one hand halfway to his hat. She said something then – I didn't hear what it was – and I heard her laughter ringing across the cobbles. She laughs a great deal, and makes many extravagant, comical gestures with her arms. Again a city trait, I suppose. We are accustomed to a greater reserve in the people around us, but I expect she means welclass="underline" A violet scarf was knotted gypsy-fashion around her head, but most of her hair had escaped from beneath it and was streaked with white paint. She didn't seem to mind. Duplessis could not recall later what she had said to him, but said in his diffident way that the delivery was nothing, only a few boxes, small but quite heavy, and some open crates containing kitchen utensils. He did not ask what was in the boxes, though he doubts such a small supply of anything would go very far in a bakery.
Do not imagine, mon pere that I spent my day watching the bakery. It is simply that it stands almost immediately opposite my own house – the one which was yours, mon pere before all this. Throughout the last day and a half there has been nothing but hammering and painting and whitewashing and scrubbing until in spite of myself I cannot help but be curious to see the result. I am not alone in this; I overheard Madame Clairmont gossiping self-importantly to a group of friends outside Poitou 's of her husband's work; there was talk of red shutters before they noticed me and subsided into sly muttering. As if I cared. The new arrival has certainly provided food for gossip, if nothing else. I find the orange-covered window catches the eye at the strangest times. It looks like a huge bonbon waiting to be unwrapped, like a remaining slice of the carnival. There is something unsettling about its brightness and the way the plastic folds catch the sun; I will be happy when the work is finished and the place is a bakery once more.
The nurse is trying to catch my eye. She thinks I tire you. How can you bear them, with their loud voices and nursery manner? Time for our rest, now, I think. Her archness is jarring, unbearable. And yet she means kindly, your eyes tell me. Forgive them, they know not what they do. I am not kind. h come here for my own relief, not yours. And yet I like to believe my visits give you pleasure, keeping you in touch with the hard edges of a world gone soft and featureless. Television an hour a night, turning five times a day, food through a tube. To be talked over as if you were an object – Can he hear us? Do you think he understands? – your opinions unsought, discarded… To be closed from everything, and yet to feel, to think. This is the truth of hell, stripped of its gaudy mediaevalisms. This loss of contact. And yet I look to you to teach me communication. Teach me hope.
4
Friday February 14 St Valentine
THE DOG-MAN'S NAME IS GUILLAUME. HE HELPED ME WITH the delivery yesterday and he was my first customer this morning. He had his dog, Charly, with him, and he greeted me with a shy politeness which was almost courtly.