At her feet, the dim gray foam of the Cunningham's passage boiled along the destroyer's flank. Beyond that, Amanda could sense the black vastness of the world ocean. She let the sleety spray and the ice-borne wind scourge her through her clothing.
After a moment or two, the first choking sobs came. Alone with the darkness and the sea, Amanda Lee Garrett cried as a mother might weep over her lost firstborn.
50
Vince Arkady had spent the last couple of hours back aft in the hangar bay, working with the Air Division on cleanup and repair and knocking off only when nothing more could be done in the short term.
Somewhere out there it was dawn, although it couldn't be proved by going up on the weather decks. The Duke lay hove to in a thick bank of sea smoke, her sluggishly turning propellers giving her barely enough steerageway to hold position. It was as if she were packed in black cotton wool, with visibility near zero and with all topside sound muffled out of existence.
Things were eerily quiet belowdecks as well. The conventional plan of the day had gone by the board. All hands not actually on watch or involved in damage-control duty were racked out, recovering from the past night's action. Arkady fully intended to join them just as soon as he'd done something about a twelve-hours-empty stomach.
Even the wardroom was dark and abandoned, lit only by the dim, blue night-illumination panel over the pantry door. Arkady glanced at the coffee urn and shuddered. One more swig of Navy-issue coal tar and he'd heave his guts out. Instead, he hunkered down in front of the small built-in refrigerator under the serving counter, rummaging around in it for something more palatable.
His search produced a quart of milk. Kneeing the refrigerator door shut, Arkady popped open the foil-and-plastic cap of the carton and took a long pull. Ignoring the flat, faintly metallic taste of radiation-preserved sea stores, he poured the beverage down his throat, drinking for the bulk and the soothing coolness.
He'd worked pretty well down the quart before he realized that he wasn't alone. Amanda Garrett was across the compartment, curled up in her favorite recliner. She had been so quiet that he hadn't noticed her in the shadows. For a moment he thought that she might be asleep, then he caught the glint of her eyes in the night light.
"Hi, Skipper." He nodded to her. "How's it going?"
"All right, I guess," she replied softly. "I've just been sitting here considering a few things that I've learned about myself recently."
She wanted to talk with someone. Arkady could sense that. She desperately wanted to talk with someone. A problem with command was that although a captain could take reports, make inquiries, ask opinions, and confer with fellow officers, they tended to be short of people with whom they could simply talk, barring God. And God, as Arkady had learned, was frequently a sleep-on-it-and-work-things-out-for-yourself kind of guy.
"Come up with anything interesting?" he inquired, crossing the compartment and dropping into a nearby chair.
"Yes, I have. I've found that after a lifetime of preparing to be a professional military officer, I don't particularly enjoy having to kill people."
"That's nice," he replied, slouching down on the base of his spine. "It's always a comfort to learn that your commanding officer isn't a certifiable psychopath."
"I'm serious, Arkady."
"So am I, Skipper. These last couple of days, I've seen what this Gray Lady of ours can do when she's running loose with her hair on fire. Frankly, the thought of some gung-ho, kill-'em-all-and-let-God-sort-'em-out type pushing her buttons would scare the hell out of me.
"A very astute person once observed, 'As the lethality of the individual weapons system grows, so must the responsibility of the individual who controls that weapons system in a geometric proportion.'"
She chuckled softly. "I wrote that."
"Yep, good words. They make sense."
"I didn't know what I was talking about."
"Sure you did. You had the concepts down, you just lacked the direct hands-on experience. It's kind of like sex, I guess. Everybody has a general idea about how it's supposed to work, but until you actually get involved, you have no idea how complicated things can really get."
"Are you trying to get me to laugh it off?"
"Nope, just sort of trying to encourage your sense of perspective."
Amanda sighed. "I had to do the same thing with one of our other people a while back. I pointed out to him that there were some things a combat simulator just couldn't simulate. At the time I think we were talking about fear. It didn't occur to me then that the same thing could be said about killing."
She shifted around in the recliner to face the aviator. "Arkady, how many casualties do you think the Argentines took tonight?" she asked.
"Hard to call. Damn near nobody got off that LST or the hydrofoil. Those four other ships were hit hard too. With the combination of the bad sea state, low temperatures, and rotten visibility, rescue operations are going to be a bitch. I'd say two to three hundred KIA, if they're lucky."
"I concur. If your intent was to try and make me feel better, you're not doing a very good job of it."
Arkady set the milk carton on the deck. "Look, I could sit here and play Little Mary Sunshine all night and it wouldn't signify. What seems like a long time ago, I said something about honest working best with a class act. I think that's still applicable here.
"We've just come out of a classic knife fight in a phone booth with a bunch of guys who would have cheerfully blown us away if given one-eighth of an opportunity. Now, they weren't monsters and they didn't go around cutting babies up on their morning Cheerios, but they were professional warriors in the service of a nation that had broken international law. We were the cops on the beat who caught the call, and it turned out we had to use deadly force to stop the execution of the crime in progress. I can live with that."
"Not all of us will, though. Erikson died and he didn't have to. I could have gotten him out, I just had to make the decision." Amanda's voice sank back toward a whisper. "I promised I'd take him home."
"Begging the Captain's pardon, but that was a promise you damn well didn't have the right to make! This is a warship in the service of the United States of America. You do not have the right to promise any of us a round-trip ticket! What you do have the right to do is to expend our lives like rounds of ammunition, if necessary, to get the job done.
"Erikson wasn't dumb. I went down there and talked to him myself a couple of times. He knew that you couldn't just abandon the mission, no matter how badly you wanted to get him out. You didn't let him down. If he could come back and tell you anything, it'd be that this was just the way it was."
Amanda sat up angrily. "This wasn't 'just the way it was'! I have the command responsibility here! For Erikson and for every one of those Argentine boys who died out there last night! I will not try and rationalize things away like that!"
"Okay, then," Arkady replied levelly, "you're responsible. But not just for Erikson's death. You're also responsible for the survival of this ship and for the successful execution of this mission in the face of what can honestly be called overwhelming odds. You are taking the bulk of your crew home alive, Captain, and that is an impressive performance."
He settled back into his chair. "So that's both ends of the stick. Now, you decide what you're going to do about it. It's like me and my carrier qualification. You can either stand, or you can walk away. What's it going to be?"
She didn't answer; rather, she sat for a time gazing off into the shadows and into her future. Arkady understood what that was about. On the night he'd abandoned his dream of becoming a fighter pilot, he'd done some staring into the dark himself. In the end, he'd walked.