“Tobruk killed him,” I said at last. “It . . . wasn’t pretty. We got Catherine. Alive, just like Richard said. And we brought her back.
“I guess that was the point at which I started having doubts. Don’t get me wrong, we’d done some shady stuff already, but there’d always been some way to justify it. Most of the time the people we were going up against weren’t any nicer than we were—either they were Dark apprentices too, or as good as. But Catherine and her boyfriend hadn’t been part of that world. They hadn’t done anything at all.
“Richard hadn’t told us why he wanted Catherine. I’d had some idea he just wanted to talk to her, which was pretty stupid of me now that I think about it. Richard had her locked in the cells beneath the mansion and told us to make sure she stayed there. Shireen and Rachel didn’t go near her. Tobruk did.
“Tobruk was . . . None of us were especially nice people back then, but Tobruk was the worst. I think out of all the Dark apprentices I met in that time, he was the cruellest. He started making regular visits down to Catherine and he’d . . . amuse himself with her.” I stopped. I didn’t want to go into the details; just remembering it was nauseating. I took a quick glance around the four faces watching me. Sonder looked uncomprehending, but something flickered in Anne’s eyes and I had the sudden unpleasant feeling that she knew exactly what I was leaving out.
“It took me longer than it should have, but I decided to help Catherine escape. I scouted out the guard shifts, then one night I crept down and got her out of her cell.” I fell silent briefly. “It didn’t work. Richard was waiting for me and Rachel and Shireen and Tobruk were with him. He gave me one chance to put Catherine back. I didn’t take it. Tobruk put me down. When I woke up I was in a cell of my own.
“I’d taken it for granted, being under Richard’s protection. When Richard took that protection away . . . then suddenly I was in the same position Catherine was. And Tobruk made sure I got the same experience. Not exactly the same—his tastes didn’t run that way—but he was pretty creative at coming up with substitutes.
“It went on for a long time. I didn’t see anyone except Tobruk, and the rest of the time I was left alone. But even if I wasn’t Richard’s apprentice I was still a diviner, and every now and again Tobruk and Rachel and Shireen would run up against something that they couldn’t handle but I could. The trips were short and I was always watched, but I was patient. Eventually I found a way out.
“I was more careful this time. I’d learnt Richard had a new enemy, a Light mage, and I waited until he was busy with her before I made my escape. This time it worked. I made it away, but I knew Richard would send the other three after me. The only question was which one would catch me first.
“I went to the Light mages for help. They didn’t want to know—as far as they were concerned it was one Dark mage against another. I went to every mage that I’d gotten to know during my time as Richard’s apprentice, and they all turned me away. They didn’t want to get involved—they were all just waiting for Richard to finish me off. And finally I went to the last place I could think of. Here. To Arachne.” I glanced over at Arachne, still sewing quietly. I knew she could hear me, but she didn’t react. “She could have turned me away like the others. She didn’t. She took me in. Arachne hid me and let me heal and rest, but she couldn’t keep me hidden forever. When I was ready I took the help she gave me and went out to face the people chasing me. The first one to find me was Shireen, and she was . . . different. She was under orders to bring me back, but for the first time she wasn’t sure. I’d spoken to her a few times towards the end, and maybe something I said made her change her mind. Or maybe she changed it herself. She went back to the mansion empty-handed and I never saw her again.
“And then Tobruk came. He was stronger and tougher and better trained than me, but I’d had time to prepare and I knew what he’d do. He could have killed me if he’d gone all-out, but he couldn’t resist playing cat and mouse one last time. And even at the end, he never really believed that someone as weak as me could threaten him. I set a trap for him in an old building, and I killed him and turned the building into his funeral pyre. And then I kept running and getting ready for whoever would come next.
“Nobody came. Days went by, then weeks, then months. Nobody else came after me. And I never saw Richard again.”
I stopped talking. The cavern fell silent but for the whisk of Arachne’s needle. Seconds dragged by.
Luna was the first to speak. “So do we go after this Will guy or wait for him to come back?”
Everyone turned to stare at her. “What?” Luna said.
Sonder looked disbelieving. “Didn’t you hear that story?”
“Yes,” Luna said.
“This guy, Will . . . He’s not just some monster. He’s got a reason for doing this.”
“Everybody who’s tried to kill us has had a reason,” Luna pointed out. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to let them.”
“You said that Catherine girl had a little brother,” Variam said. “You think it’s the same guy?”
I nodded. “When we attacked Catherine’s camp we only saw her and her boyfriend, but there were tents for three people. She was supposed to have taken her brother with her when she ran . . . Will would be about the right age.”
“And now he wants revenge for what happened to his sister,” Variam said.
“You didn’t hurt her, though,” Luna said.
“No, I just showed the people who did hurt her where to find her. Somehow I don’t think that argument’s going to impress him very much.”
Silence fell again, and it stretched until it became uncomfortable. Suddenly I couldn’t bear to sit there any longer; I didn’t want to look at their faces for fear of what I’d find there. “I need a rest,” I said, rising to my feet. I felt Anne look up at me but raised a hand, not meeting her eyes. “I’m just tired. I’ll talk to you later.” I walked back towards the cave in which I’d woken up. As I left the cavern I heard the murmurs start up behind me.
Back in the smaller room, I lay on my back on the bed and let my breath out in a sigh. I was more tired than I should have been and I knew that even with Anne’s healing, I hadn’t yet recovered from last night’s injuries.
Well, I’ve told them. Now that I’d done it I felt drained. I’d known I couldn’t keep it hidden forever, but I’d always put it off. I stared up at the rock ceiling and wondered how they’d treat me now. In the years since I’d known Luna and Sonder and Anne and Variam, I’d played the role of a . . . what? Protector? Teacher? Friend? Something I wasn’t, anyway. They hadn’t known about my past, and so when I’d been with them I’d been able to escape it.
Was that why I’d worked so hard to help the four of them? When I’d joined Richard I’d been too self-centred to ever really care about helping anyone. When had that changed? Over the last year and a half I’d put myself in danger to help Luna and Sonder and then Variam and Anne, not just once but over and over again, and as I thought about it I realised that I didn’t regret it at all. I’d do it again without a second thought.
Maybe while I was with the four of them, I’d been able to pretend to be a different person. And at some point I’d noticed that I liked being that person a lot more than I liked who I used to be.