“Why?”
“How do I know? I looked at him and I saw strength and kindness and gentleness and love and understanding. I saw right away that he would know every thought and emotion I might have without my having to tell him. I looked at him and something inside me melted. There is something very much like that in this man’s face.”
“I can’t see it.”
“Another woman would.”
“So why does what you see in his face make it easier for you to understand what we think he did?”
“That man I fell in love with? He turned out to be very corrupt. He cheated his associates. His wife drowned mysteriously in a boating mishap in California. When he was arrested, he posted bail and disappeared. I’ve heard he is living in Turkey. They have no extradition. He had everything and he threw it away. Just like this person here, whatever his name is.”
“Maybe Meyer will come up with a better name through the university records.”
“Have you wondered if this person might be insane?” she asked.
“I’ve thought about it.”
“If a person has built up enough of a structure of delusion, the things they do only make sense as they relate to the delusion. What is he, about forty? Or a little more. He may have been doing this sort of thing for years.”
“Without attracting a lot of attention?”
“A little here, a little there. But he keeps moving on.”
“What kind of a delusion would make a man kill women who have fallen deeply in love with him?”
“Punishing them for loving somebody he knows is unworthy of love?”
“Come on Annie!”
“So he’s schizo. The lover and the killer. There are mental disorders a lot wilder than that.”
We left it there. I put the picture and the clipping back in my case. We had a late supper in a private corner of the lounge.
“Okay,” I said finally. “What have you got on your mind?”
“Does it show? I didn’t want it to show.”
“Annie, about one minute ago I said that these tiny potatoes are really delicious. And you smiled and said they surely are. And they happen to be sauteed scallops.”
“It’s not fair, damn you, to do it that way. That’s entrapment.”
“What’s going on?”
“I wasn’t ready to tell you yet. I’ve been summoned to Chicago. I go up Thursday night and come back Saturday.”
“What’s going on?”
A friend in Chicago gave me a tiny clue over the phone.“
“Such as?”
“Do you remember, when I first went with the company I was secretary to a Mr. Luddwick?”
“Then he was transferred to Hawaii?”
“Right. And his replacement got into a one-car accident driving down here, and by the time he was recovered enough to take over this hotel, I was doing so well they decided to let me run it.”
“And you’ve been doing well ever since.”
“They must think so. The executive vicepresident, Mr. Minter, has had a heart attack and he’s taking early retirement. So they’re bringing Al Luddwick back from Hawaii to take over. That leaves Hawaii open. It’s brand new and twice the size of this one. And lots more money.”
I frowned at her. “They’re going to offer it to you?”
“Why not? I don’t mind saying I am doing a hell of a job. All they have to do is look at the ratios. Every computer study they run tells them I’m doing a hell of a job.”
“At least it’s nice to be asked.”
“I’m not sure I’m going to be asked, Travis. So far, it’s just a rumor.”
“But if they ask you, you wouldn’t take it, would you?”
“Why the hell wouldn’t I?”
“What about us?”
“Good grief, Travis, what about us? You don’t understand how these things work, do you? Right now, I’m red hot. Suppose they offered it and I turned it down. What would that tell them about me? Oh, they’d probably keep me on here, but they’d be… dubious about me. Maybe I was scared to try something bigger. Maybe I have some kind of action going on the side, down here, and they better do some more auditing. The instant I say no, I stop being Golden Girl.”
“So who needs to be Golden Girl? What’s wrong with the life you have?”
“How can you be so chauvinistic stupid?”
“Hey, wait a minute!”
“I mean it. Look, when I think of that much bigger a job, I get flutters in my stomach and I can’t take a deep breath. My God, honey, that is the direction of the stock options, the bonuses, the eventual seat on the Board. Look, I have something I can do damn well. I love the work. I love the challenge. What am I supposed to do, cut myself back like pruning a bush so I can be your convenient little shack job?” She thumped her breastbone with her knuckles. “I am me in my own right. What do you do in Florida that is so damned important anyway? Of course I don’t want to lose you. Why can’t you ship the Busted Flush out to the islands as deck cargo? You could have a better life out there than you have here. Those good old buddy boys of yours around Bahia Mar would forget you in three months. What would you be giving up compared with what you’re asking me to give up?”
The food was good, but the appetite came to a dead halt. We went for a walk. We took the quarrel up and down the beach. The breeze had come up, out of the west, shoving the bugs inland. The waves slapped on the starlit sand.
We took the quarrel, unresolved, to bed, both of us secretly hoping that lovemaking would provide a solution somehow. It was a gentler interlude than ever before. There seemed in it elements of sadness, of regret and farewell. Afterward I kissed her moist eyes and tasted the salt, asked her why she wept. “For what might have been, I guess.”
“Such as?”
“Had we been younger. I don’t know. At my age with this pelvic structure, having a baby would be a very dangerous thing. And you’re past changing, McGee. You’re past having tots around. But even if I were younger and wanted to risk it, the thing I talked about before would make me wary.”
“What was that?”
“The way you keep some important part of yourself hidden away. The reserve I can’t break through. Maybe you were different a dozen years ago. Maybe then you could give all the way. With me, I get the feeling you are a user, not a giver.”
“And you feel like someone who is only used?”
“No, dear. Not that harsh. I don’t have the right words. What I do know is that I have more energies than you can waste. I can’t use all of myself with you because neither you nor the years will let that happen. But I can use all of myself in my work. Believe me, I’m not motivated by trying to make a lot of money, or be important, or force people to respect me. I want to do what I do because it is tricky work, and when it goes well I feel a very intense satisfaction. Can you understand all that?”
“I can try.”
She made a sound in the darkness almost like a laugh. “Oh, my darling, this has been good. I needed you. I needed more of you than you were willing to give, but it was damn good nonetheless. And now we’ve bitched it all up for fair.”
“How so?”
“If they offer me the job, I’ll take it. But if the rumor is wrong, and they don’t offer it to me, and I stay here, I don’t want this relationship with you to continue.”
“Why not?”
“The fact you could ask that question is one of the reasons.”
“Maybe I’m not very bright.”
“Okay, you are a no-win situation for me. You unfocus my attention on my work. You create little problems with the hotel employees. Some of them think they can get a little smart-ass, as if they have something they can use against me in some way, and I have to smack them down. After you have been here, my bed is always too empty for night after night. Yet when I know you are on your way over, I feel a funny resentment. As if I’m some kind of chattel. You and my work overlap in a way that makes me irritable. Can you understand?”