“Gross!” Grace said. “I mean, Aunt Laura is nice and all, and Celia is too, and they’re both beautiful, but they’re women! Older women!”
“That doesn’t matter to these kind of people,” Jake said.
“What are you saying then?” Grace asked. “You don’t want us to develop the pictures?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all,” Jake told her. “I want you to have your pictures of your vacation and I want you to treasure them. I want you to be able to show the prints to your friends. What I don’t want is for any of those pictures or negatives or, worst of all, digital copies of the shots, to end up floating around on the internet or in a chain email. Where do you get your pictures developed?”
“At the Walgreens by our house,” Grace said. “That’s the closest place and the cheapest.”
“Very good,” Jake said. “Walgreens does them in the automatic machine. Most of the time, nobody even looks at them before they give them to you. And even if they do look at them, it is unlikely anyone would steal a copy because it would not be hard to trace where it came from. Go ahead and get them developed, show the prints to anyone you like, but please promise me that you will not give anyone any of the prints, or the negatives, or ever send any of the shots out digitally in email or any other way if they have Laura or me or Celia in them.”
“I promise,” Grace said. “I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m some New York sex slave or some incestuous slut.”
“I promise too,” Chase said. “Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“And stick a needle in your eye?” Jake asked.
Chase giggled. “And stick a needle in my eye,” she agreed.
“All right then,” Jake said. “I thank you for your cooperation in this matter.”
“Like I said, Uncle Jake,” Chase said. “Anything for you. You’re the raddist uncle ever.”
“A title I will embrace proudly,” Jake said, knowing that he was the only uncle on either side of their family that they had anything to do with. “Now then, are we ready for another match?”
The two girls looked at each other and nodded, smiles on their faces. “Let’s do it,” Chase said.
They did it. This time, they cooperated a little bit more and only lost by a score of 14-7.
Joey, in the tradition of the Best family when it came to thanking a host for having them stay in their house, took everyone out to dinner that last night. He insisted on paying for the meal himself. Since Jake knew that his pride demanded he do this, he did not argue the point and did not suggest a restaurant, knowing that anything he (Jake) suggested would probably bankrupt the waste management employee. Instead, he heartily agreed when Joey suggested the local Black Angus steakhouse in Santa Clarita. The entire group arrived there at 7:00 PM, all of them dressed in jeans and pullover shirts. The adults who were not pregnant drank bottled Budweiser. The kids and Laura all had soda of varying kind. Jake ordered the sirloin steak and shrimp and was happy to find that it was not all that bad. Joey paid the bill with his credit card. Jake did not even offer to pick up the tip, knowing that such a gesture would be offensive to his brother-in-law.
Once back at the Granada Hills house, Jake and Joey went out to the patio to enjoy a few glasses of Jim Beam on the rocks (Joey seemed to be developing a taste for the bourbon thanks to Obie) and a couple of Cuban cigars. Chase and Grace took the opportunity for one last swim in the pool and were splashing around happily as the two men puffed on their stogies.
“I just want to tell you one more time how much we all appreciate all this, Jake,” Joey told him. “This really has been the best vacation our family has ever had.”
“We were happy to have you,” Jake told him, speaking truthfully. “It was good to get to know everyone a little better. And I am so happy that Laura has some actual family now that she can talk to and get together with.”
“We’re happy to have her in our lives too,” Joey said. “The kids actually have someone they can call ‘uncle’ and ‘aunt’ now. They’ve never had that before.”
Jake nodded. “And I have a new brother and sister-in-law,” he said. “And nieces and a nephew that I didn’t have before. I still don’t have a mother-in-law or a father-in-law, but ... hey, is that such a bad thing?”
Joey chuckled. “I don’t think it is,” he said. He, after all, did not really have to deal with a mother-in-law or a father-in-law either.
“Laura and I were talking last night,” he said. “We would like to come out to Idaho and visit you all again if that’s all right. Maybe over the first few days of the Christmas break?”
“We’d like that,” Joey said. “Sarah and I were actually talking about the same thing.”
“Little Ziggy should be about six weeks old then,” Jake said. “As long as she and Laura are healthy, we’re up for it.”
“Let’s pencil her in then,” Joey said.
“Agreed,” Jake said. “But ... uh ... there is something that I’d like to talk about regarding the Christmas visit.”
“What’s that?”
Jake took a deep breath and then released it. “I don’t want you to get me wrong here, Joey,” he said. “We enjoyed your hospitality on our last visit and Laura explained to me that it is traditional that family stay with family when visiting. I understand that. I really do.”
Joey’s gaze darkened a bit. “Are you saying you don’t want to stay with us when you visit?” he asked slowly.
“Well ... not because we don’t like staying with you,” Jake said. “We had a good time. But I felt terrible that Laura and I displaced Chase and Grace from their room while we were there and they had to sleep on the couch.”
“It’s a minor inconvenience to them,” Joey said firmly. “They understand that they have to give up their room when family visits.”
“Uh ... yeah,” Jake said, “but it’s still an inconvenience to them, to you, to everyone. And it’s an inconvenience that is not necessary. We are perfectly capable of staying in a hotel room when we visit. It won’t hurt us financially even a little bit. I would like the girls to be able to stay in their room and everyone else to not have to fuss over us.”
Joey was shaking his head. “I won’t hear of it,” he said firmly. “Family stays with family. That’s the way it’s always been.”
“Uh ... yeah,” Jake said again. It was time to play his trump card. “You see, the thing is, the girls being inconvenienced is not the only issue at hand here.”
“It’s not? What do you mean?”
“You’re a man of the world, aren’t you, Joey?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well ... to be brutally straightforward, a man likes to have frequent ... you know... relations with his wife. You picking up what I’m laying down here?”
Joey stared at him for a moment and then slowly nodded. “I am,” he said.
“And the fact of the matter is,” Jake explained, “that Laura ... and myself ... cannot bring ourselves to have those relations while staying in our nieces’ bedroom. And around Christmas vacation we will just be getting to the point where we will be able to resume said relations after a long period without them due to Ziggy and her birth. I would prefer not to delay the resumption of relations because we are in an environment that prohibits it.”
Understanding dawned on Joey’s face as this explanation sank in. “Ohhh,” he said at last. “I get it.”
“I was hoping you would,” Jake said.
“In that case,” Joey said, “I would recommend the Lancaster Hotel downtown. It’s pricey, but probably the best place in Pocatello.”
Everyone said goodbye when the limousine arrived to pick up the Best family at 8:00 AM. They had a first-class flight from LAX back to Salt Lake City that would board at 9:35 and take off at 10:05. They spent the better part of fifteen minutes giving hugs (the females and the females and the females and males could hug each other) and handshakes (the males could only do this, except for Everett, who got hugs and kisses from both Jake and Laura). Finally, they all piled inside and the long white car drove off down the street and disappeared from view.