We heard a sort of hesitant cough. An then a voice, soft an raspy: Beg pardon, yer worships, but I was advised some young gents from the Czech Lands were here. So in case ya’d fancy a little tour … at cher service, Josef Novák’s ma name, sightseein’s ma game, heh.
I thought I was hallucinating, an when I looked around at the rest of you, O friends an chiefs, it was plain you were meeting with the same feelings as me.
Hey, said Sharky, when that skeleton talks, it opens its … mouth.
Course that’s only natural, said the skeleton.
So you’re dead? David went to the heart of the matter.
Yep, said the skeleton.
An you’re really Josef Novák?* Bohler said, giving Sharky a wink.
Am now, gentlemen, said the skeleton, course who I am … I am … as the sayin goes out our way in the wild blue yonder.
An you were baptized with the name …
Sure, said the skeleton, at that little church in Žižkov.* But if ya might fancy a little tour? See it’s gettin late, yer worships, though course out our way … wull, things’re a little diffrent.
Excuse me, Bohler said, but would you mind tellin me … you see … here … with a name like yours …
Oh that ole story, said Josef Novák the skeleton. That ole mixup. Yep, like that all of um were Jewz, yup? Most all of um. An a couple a Gypsies, briefly. Alla the gentlemen from the Czech Lands ask that one right off. Wull back under the Protectorate* I was workin this honky-tonk Mincík’s down on Wencie Square, an there was this dishslinger there name a Roubíček, an we had a little thing goin wid invoices, nowadays course I’m above it all, wull an the thing was some signatures for schnapps, up at the till an oud in the storeroom, I’d jus useda fill in for im when there was a need, ole Rouba he was in on it big time, I’d jus play the dummy when there was a need, so as ta get me a spot at the water hole, right, wull nowadays I’m above it all, the bag of bones rattled on, an one day I’m pullin the ole snotrag oudda my copacetic zoot suit an Kasal, that was this walleyed kid, posthumous child from our little Adinka, heart a gold on er, wull an this kid Kasal useda cover for us durin handoffs, I mean I’m tellin ya! An I didn’t notice cause a my snotrag but he’s goin nuts makin all these secret signs how we’re busted an the raid’s on the way, an was it ever, bingo! Wham bam thank ya ma’am that same day the Gestapo comes bustin in lookin for Roubíček, which that day was me, an I was expectin somethin, I mean it’s like I told ja before, contacts, deliveries, handoffs, crates an bottles an whatnot, wull nowadays I’m above it all, laugh right at it now, as Adinka* useda say, right, an they’re: Where’s Roubíček? An I’m: You’re lookin at im, pardners, there some kina problem? An them, course they’re Czechs, nowadays I’m above it all, they go: Yeah, you! An they gamee a bit of a brutalizin, never got a chance da say, hey I’m a good Czech too, straighten the whole mixup out wid em somehow, you scratch my back, right, that’s the fix, eh? Nowadays, wull, I laugh right at it. Wull an down at Gestapo HQ when they found out I wasn’t the wanted Semite Roubíček but some Josef Novák from Žižkov, temporarily employed as a blond barboy, which is ta say a dancer, an a highly sought-after escort to boot, wull nowadays I’m above it all, they were floored: Here we are huntin Jews an there’s Czechs goin around impersonatin um! Wull an off I went wid the first transport. Yep, otherwise it was nothin but Jewz here, all of um, yes siree.
And we just sat there, chiefs and brothers, quiet as mice, no longer feeling the pain from our wounds.
Wull then, yer worships, ring-a-ding-ding, let the tour begin! Ordinarily I’m advised ta awways start the gents off wit the ramp, but today, gentlemen, I … today, hm, anyway … things’re diffrent for us … it’s just that I got somethin ta do later on, so if ya don’t mind I’ll just give ya a little peek, right, yeh? Wull, silence gives consent, as ole Brychta useda say when he was coppin coins oudda farmers’ dampers on Coal Market Square, kapisch, pardners?
Over there then, the skeleton pointed to the sea of bones, that was the ramp an that’s where Mengele useda separate the wheat from the chaff’s how he put it. Over there, when the cattle car I was on pulled in, wull it’s all behind us now, there’s an incident from my first day goes wid that, when those Jew boyz see us fallin oudda the wagons, suffocatin ta death an dyin a thirst, they come flyin in there wid the whips, chop-chop everyone out, ess-ess’re standin behind um, wull an we go down the ramp an there’s Mengele an all the rest of um wearin these white lab coats, an he sees me an says: Now there’s a showpiece! an the whole hullabaloo stops on the spot an I strip down to my birthday suit an he takes this pointer an points an all the resta the docktors an ess-ess’re lookin an some brass band’s playin along in the background. An he says, course now I know what he said an I laugh right at it: Note here the typical degeneration of the cheekbones … an he like jabs me wid the pointer … the typical Jewish nose … the flattened palate … here we have Beelzebub’s hump … notice the striking size of the sex organ … proof of pervertedness … depravity … Wull hell, it tickled. An I donno hardly any German, jus the stuff the guards’re screamin, an what wid all those folks in the cattle car sobbin an moanin I figure they’re givin me some special welcome, like I’m some upper crust or somethin, which … now all that’s behind me, things’re diffrent out our way … I figured since all he’s tellin the rest of um is Rechts! an Links! an flippin his pointer back an forth. An so I raise my right hand an go: Heil Hitler, meine offizieren und docktoren an scholars. Ich bin eine kleine tschechische schweine, geboren aus Žižkov,* howdy do, Novák from Prague here. Greetins, everyone, an long live the Fiihrer an the Thousand-Year Reich! Hip hip hooray! An Mengele hears an turns all white an swishes his pointer, an the guards kick me inda the line for the gas, yep nowadays I’m above it all, but what wid the hubbub stoppin an restartin, the lines got all tangled up, an they start tearin dames’ kids away … confusion sets in … an the Jew boyz fly back in wid the whips, chop-chop dividin it up like … like, pardners, kapisch? … but they jus made an even bigger mess, an I’m down there floppin aroun in the mud an they’re at me wid the whips, wull I’m above it all now, an then this one kid kicks me back inda line, wull an that was the wheat line, nowadays, wull, I laugh right at it.
And suddenly I realized, brothers and skippers, I was walking behind Josef Novák the skeleton, and so were you, we were walking across the bones, but it was safe, just a little bit hard on the feet, like concrete. And the skeleton stopped and turned to us. Wull, pardners, that’s like how it was … and then he picked a bone up off the ground, a man’s shin, I think, and said: Fall in!
And all of us, brothers and buddies, obediently fell in line like it was some fuckin army drill.
Wull, pardners, Josef Novák the skeleton walked up to Micka: Let’s see yer teeth, swine! Heh heh, scared ja there, scoutie, he laughed, waving the bone. Rechts! Yer a strong fella, you’da gone on road detail. But watch it! That was ess-ess Bauch’s kommando, an he’da only been happy if you misbehaved, only real pleasure for him was breakin strong fellas. Nice an slow. There there, scoutie, what’s a matter? the skeleton stopped at Bohler and ran the bone over his rags. Cassock? That’s too bad, an yer a strong one too, but preacher men only got three days da live aroun here, kapisch? An then it was nach oven an I’m talkin ein zwei drei! Then Josef Novák the skeleton comes up to me and goes: Hey, scout, whatcha shakin for, ya sure yer not a touch meshuga? But then, noticing my slightly frazzled elbows and the minor permanent sprain in my left shoulder … he bent down and listened to the rhythm of my heels … and Josef Novák the skeleton tossed away the shinbone, threw his arms around me, and said: Colleagues, heh? And I went, yes … Mr. Novák. Wull, ya mighta been able da hop aroun the camp fancy house a while fore ya hopped cher way inda the oven. And then the skeleton passed Sharky and just snickered and let out a hoot: Wull that’s an obvious one, and then he stopped at David. You’re a pretty young good-lookin boy, I’d give ya the road, but if Oberst Prochaska gets a gander a ya, that’s yer tough luck. Wull, boys, alla ya’d, cept for this gent here, he said pointing to Sharky, end up, long as ya got cher paypers all shipshape down at the rathaus! the skeleton admonishingly lifted a bony finger, in an Aryan camp. Wull but it’s twelve a one an half a dozen a the other, as ole Vanecek said durin that blackjack game down at Kalenda’s when he lost the last thou he’d got for those horses he sold to Kropáček from Byteč an hadda dig the coins oudda his pockets, heh! Wull never mind, move it along, pardners. So over there ya got cher tattoos, pricky pricky, heh heh, wull nowadays I’m above it all, an how bout a little shortcut, we’ll jus swing over this hill, keep that spinnin top spinnin, keep those wheels from standin still! Wull then right here ya had jer gallows, yep, got used whenever someone misbehaved, or whenever they were empty … and, brothers and buddies, I took a few steps back because Bohler was kneeling there vomiting, and when he had nothing left to vomit then he began to choke, so I gave him a few manly kicks in the back …