"That's tough," Bee said sympathetically. "I used to bite my nails as a kid. Papa cured it by painting iodine on 'em."
"Why would that help?" Jinetta asked. "Iodine's delicious. I like it on ice cream."
"Finished!" Melvine announced, pushing his empty bowl away. "How about that, Teach?"
I raised my eyebrows. The food was gone. I probed the dish with a mere thread of magikal energy, but it was really empty.
"Hey, wow, terrific, Melvine!" Tolk cheered, always ready to offer encouragement. "Way to go!"
"Impressive, Cupy," Pologne said grudgingly.
"Mmm," Freezia murmured, keeping her attention fastened on what she was doing.
"Well done, Melvine," I said, enchanting a new piece of food and impaling it on my fork. I even made it wiggle for effect.
"Thanks, Teach," the big baby said, leaning back with his hands interlaced behind his head. "Say, that was weird. But, you know, I'm still hungry. I could go for a big bowl of mush. How about it?"
"Maybe you oughtta eat the rest of your dinner first, Mel," Bee said unexpectedly.
The Cupy sat up suddenly. "Huh?"
"Well, I noticed something go whizzing by my nose a minute ago, and I'll swear it smelled like this," Bee said, holding out a stunned glob of goo. "In fact, a while before that, one of 'em landed flat in my plate."
"Why didn't you say something, Bee?" I asked, even though I could have quoted his answer almost word for word.
The sincere brown eyes met mine. "Soldiers in a unit don't rat on each other, sir. But one of these days Miss Bunny's probably gonna find pieces of rotting food stuck around this room. Not that they could smell much worse than they do fresh."
"Watch it, pal," Pologne said.
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Bee said, his cheeks reddening under their freckles. "You don't like my kind of food any more than I like yours, but a task's a task. I learned that on the farm before I learned it in the army."
"Why, you sanctimonious little prat," Melvine said, nastily. "I ate my whole meal all up. See?" He brandished the empty dish.
"Not by yourself, you didn't," Bee said. "I ate at least one bite of it."
"Tattletale!"
"Can you back up your accusation?" I asked Bee.
The rangy youth looked uneasy. "Yessir, I think so." He concentrated hard then pointed a finger upward. Unlike his previous weak attempts to channel magikal energy, this spell, or rather Dispell, packed some punch. Suddenly, we were caught in a rain of sticky globs as wriggling pieces of Pervish food fell out of the chandelier, off the ceiling, out of the gallery that ran around the upper level of the room. I brushed off a few of the crawlers, and bent the most disapproving eye I could on Melvine. The big baby cringed back into his chair.
"You said to use our imaginations," he offered feebly.
"I said to use your imagination to EAT the food, not hide it," I said. Using a wave of magik, I gathered up all the stray pieces and plopped them down in front of him. Melvine grimaced.
"Aw, come on, how can anyone eat this crap?"
"Aaggh!" Freezia cried, spitting out her mouthful of vegetables. "I tasted it! I tasted it! You—you idiot!" she shrieked at Bee, belaboring him with her spoon. "Your stupid spell took mine off, too! Ugh!" She reached for the pitcher of beer and downed it in three big gulps. She threw out her chin in defiance. "I'm done with this experiment, Skeeve. Fail me. I just can't stand it any more."
"You didn't fail at all, Freezia," I said. "You found a good solution to the problem I set. You don't have to finish the rest. See, Melvine, you can do it without cheating."
I put the forkful of food in my mouth.
"So, that was it?" Jinetta asked, her eyebrows rising as enlightenment dawned. "This is what you meant by finding more than one solution to the same problem?"
"Gah," I replied.
The Pervect frowned. "What? Forgive me, did I miss something?"
"Gaaa-aah," I repeated, with more conviction.
It was my own fault. I had been so intent on my lecture that it never occurred to me that Bee's Dispell not only got rid of Melvine's enchantment, and Freezia's, and Jinetta's, but mine, too. The swap spell had been interrupted, leaving me with a genuine piece of Pervect food on my fork. Which was now in my mouth, on its way to my stomach. It tasted worse than I had ever dreamed possible, a ragout of rotting hedgehog simmered lightly in skunk urine with a soupcon of Gleep's breath. To top it off, the creature felt as if it was growing as it went down my throat.
"Gaaa-uuuuh," I said.
Bunny gave me a funny look. "Skeeve, are you all right?"
"Igggaaaah," I stated a little more clearly, feeling my stomach rebel against the intruder, which seemed to have extended a pseudopod to explore my intestines. My abdomen contracted, pushing everything upward.
"Hoogh."
If I was lucky I might be able to run to the garbage heap outside the kitchen door before the morsel made its reappearance.
"Sguusme."
I sprang to my feet.
The next thing I knew, I was lying on my back, with the flickering flames of the dangling chandelier shooting around my vision like fireworks. The pain in my stomach was terrible. I thought my innards were ready to explode. I was about to die of Pervish cooking. I shut my eyes. Not like this, I prayed. Not like this.
"Clear!" Tolk's voice came. I opened my eyes in time to see the Canidian falling towards me, paws first. I goggled, and tried to roll away.
"Don't move!" Bunny commanded, grabbing my head. "You got a taste of your own medicine. Tolk's fixing it."
The canine landed on my belly with his weight on all four paws. I bent in the middle. The purple thing went flying out of my mouth. Pologne caught it neatly in one hand.
"A perfectly good smushlik, ruined," she said mournfully. "My mother would be heartbroken."
"Do you feel all right now?" Tolk asked, helping me to sit up.
The truth was, I did feel better. I should have been bruised from having him leap on me, but I felt a sensation of well-being radiating from my stomach.
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Dogtor magik," Tolk said modestly. "I'm a healer. That's my talent."
"That's great," I said as the others helped me to my feet. "Thank you. That food, er, just went down the wrong way."
He peered at me. "You shouldn't eat anything else this evening. You've had enough solids," he advised. "Tea, maybe."
"I'll make him some." Bunny bustled away to fill the kettle.
The others were gathered around me, most of them looking worried. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?" Bee asked.
"Yeah," Freezia added. "I hope you're not going to drop dead. I don't look forward to trying to negotiate a refund out of your business manager."
"Thanks for your concern," I said dryly. "I'm fine. Tolk was right. I just—overate."
"More than the rest of us did," Jinetta said.
"It was to make a point. Did I get it across?" I asked.
"We don't have to be led from A to B," Pologne said. "Yes, we get it. There's no one single solution to a problem."
"That's right. You all handled it in different ways," I said. "Isn't it best to choose the most expedient and practical way of getting a job done?"
"Hold on," Freezia said, flinging up her hands. "Maybe you were right once. I'm still not going to concede Professor Maguffin's method is wrong."
"Nor am I," Jinetta added. Pologne nodded her agreement.
"Okay," I sighed. "I'm not here to shoot him down. I'm just telling you what has worked for me in the real world. That's why you came here, isn't it?"
"Well, yes," Jinetta admitted.