I waited until the spate of conversation slowed and jumped in. "Listen, Vergetta, what did you tell them I could do for them?"
The old Pervect grinned. "Can you grow them some common sense? No? I didn't think so. I see you," she pointed a gnarled fingernail at me, "as the antidote to those teachers of theirs. Especially that Mr. Magoo-whatever. He knew nothing but what he read in books, but they worshiped him like a god. I thought that, if anyone could, you'd show them there was something more past the end of their noses. If you succeed in teaching them that, you're a hero."
"I'm trying," I said. "Sometimes I think I'm getting through, and sometimes I don't."
"Fifty-fifty isn't bad odds. Well, Skeeve, nice of you to stop by. I have to get an order out to Skloon. Now, don't be a stranger. You should stop by when you have time to take a tour of Wuh. It's shaping up so well, you won't know the place."
I returned to Klah to find a note from Chumley waiting for me. Tolk had been a member of the Alpha Males, Omega Males club where Chumley volunteered as a mentor once a month. Now I had no suspects, and I was none the wiser as to who was causing all the trouble among my students.
And trouble there was. In my remonstrations with the students not to do stupid things, once again I had forgotten to tell them not to swap cosmetics for bird excrement. The Pervects came screaming down the stairs with white goo hardening on their faces, complaining that SOMEONE had tampered with their very expensive cosmetics. Tolk was upset because his shampoo, Gee Your Fur Smells Edible, which did smell like used food, had overwhelmed him with green bubbles, staining his fur. Melvine and Bee hadn't been left out, joining the circle of protesters. My eyes watered when they got close enough. They smelled of skunk.
"It was in the soap, sir," Bee said, weakly. "It didn't start reeking until I rubbed it on myself."
"Who did this?" I demanded.
"He did!"
"She did!"
"He did!"
"She did!"
They all pointed at each other. I glared at them. They glared back. Exasperated, I threw up my hands.
"Forget it," I said, turning away. "Go to bed."
"But, Skeeve!" Jinetta said. "You're supposed to handle these things."
"I'm just in charge of magik instruction," I said. "Nothing else. Read my contract."
"But we don't have a contract with you!"
I looked back over my shoulder. "Exactly."
I stalked into my room and locked the door. The expected grumbling about my being an unfit teacher and uncaring individual arose then escalated into some pretty creative name calling. In about twenty minutes, they all ran out of things to say and stalked off. Relieved, I pulled my blanket up and went to sleep.
BANG!
I sat bolt upright in bed. Where had that noise come from? I craned my head to listen in the dark.
I heard night birds in the distance squawking and fluttering away from the disturbing sound. It probably had originated in or near the inn.
With a flicker of thought, I lit the candle on my nightstand and got up to investigate.
"What was that?"
I held up the candle. Bunny fluttered out of her room, wearing the briefest and sheerest of nightgowns. It did nothing to conceal her considerable charms or her toned biceps. In one hand she held a well-sharpened hand axe.
"Nothing, I hope," I said. "I'm going out to look."
"Be careful!" she said.
The Pervects tiptoed down the stairs. "What happened? We heard a crash!"
Well, they weren't responsible for this disturbance.
"I don't know," I said. "Stay here with Bunny."
The night was clear, with a brilliant half-moon hanging about a third of the way across the sky. I circled the inn a couple of times. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. I went into the stable to check on Gleep and Buttercup.
The war unicorn nickered to me from his stall.
"Hey, boy," I called softly as I came over to rub his nose. "Did that disturb you?"
Buttercup nudged me to the side of his stall with his big head. I ducked under his horn and investigated the enclosure. A few mice squeaked and ran out of the straw bedding. Nothing out of the ordinary was to be found. I checked on his food supply, and forked some more hay into his manger.
"Gleep!" my pet dragon announced sleepily from the middle of the floor. I could see his snaky neck illuminated by the moonlight pouring in the open half-door.
"Is everything all right out here?" I asked. No one knew the secret we shared: that Gleep was intelligent and could speak. "Did you hear that noise?"
"Noise nothing," Gleep said, opening his big blue eyes wide. "Skeeve okay?"
"I'm fine," I assured him, scratching just behind his ears.
"Go bed. Nothing hurt. Gleep love Skeeve."
"I love you, too, Gleep."
Gleep had very keen senses. If he wasn't alarmed by the noise, I shouldn't be, either. I petted him again and went back inside.
Just in case, I put a few more 'feelers' around the door, window and fireplace flue in my room. Better to be safe than sorry.
Chapter Nineteen
"You think you've got family problems!"
I was in my room brooding when a knock came at the door.
"Skeeve?"
"Can it wait, Bunny?" I asked, recognizing her voice. "I'd kind of like to be alone for a while."
"We've got a visitor," came the reply. "It's my uncle. He'd like to say hello."
That was different. Aside from liking him as a person, I was well aware that her uncle was not someone you would ever want to ignore or offend.
"On the way," I called, and started for the door.
Even if I hadn't been forewarned, there was no mistaking the short, heavyset figure sitting at the dining room table. If nothing else, his trademark lavender suit was a dead giveaway.
"Don Bruce!" I said as I approached, then hesitated. As long as we had known each other, I wasn't sure what a properly respectful greeting should be.
I needn't have worried.
"Skeeve!" he crowed, popping to his feet and sweeping me into a massive hug. "How's the old pizano? How's the retirement goin'?"
"Okay, I guess," I said. "How are things with you?"
I had hoped to keep things light, but Don Bruce hadn't gotten where he was by missing things.
"Just 'okay'?" he asked, cocking his head and peering at me. "This wouldn't have anything to do with these students that Bunny's been tellin' me about, would it?"
I shot a dark glance at Bunny. While Don Bruce had been nice enough about my retiring, he had also made no secret of the fact that he wanted me back working for the Mob. As such, I wasn't wild about the fact that Bunny had let him know that I was working again, even if it was just as a teacher.
"Well, yes," I admitted. "This teaching thing is turning out to be harder than I thought."
"The kids givin' you grief?" he asked sympathetically. "Grab some wine and tell me about it."
To my surprise, I found myself pouring out my disappointment with how the class was going. Particularly, how unhappy I was with my own inability to control the bickering and backbiting among the students. I had never really chatted with Don Bruce before other than in a business context, and it was nice to unload my worries on someone who wasn't directly involved in the proceedings. He listened intently, nodding and making occasional sympathetic noises, until I finally wound down.
"I think maybe I can give you a little hand with that," he said when I was done. "Would it be okay with you if I had a word or two with these hotshot students of yours?"
That caught me flat footed.
"Um, sure, Don Bruce," I said. "If you think you can spare the time, that is."